Feelings, thoughts, emotions, some updates. needing to write it out <3

Hi angel friends, an early morning journal i want and need to write, about some things. i've been talking with friends, Holly, and my mom a bit too about things.

We've had some days close to normal lately, and that's been very good for our hearts. keeping with routines, weekly traditions, our nature walks, gardening. i've been dealing with some thoughts, and i know others have been also. Holly and i talked for a good 30 minutes last night,and i talked with my mom today. i've wanted to write, but so many thoughts, emotions, feelings, it's been hard getting started  with how to write it out. i've had lots of my heart, and in my mind, about things that happened on july 30th. i usually can let the thoughts flow, and then move forward, but some gears inside my thoughts, seem a bit stuck, and i've struggled with it at times ,during the day. almost like that feeling of nerves being wound up, and not fully unwinding. it's like that. like those times when i first began to go to the supercenter back in 2007, and wrote about those experiences, and i felt the nerves unwinding within my writings, and it felt better. i haven't felt that unwinding fully, but am hopeful that not just me, but others can have a full feeling of comfortableness, and normalcy also, after all we went through, and endured. i've been reading some online health articles, about emotional symptoms people can feel, if they've been through a traumatic experience. i read about emotional trauma, and i believe i've been experiencing that, in a severity level,  i'm not sure of.

i've been able to function in the days, but that feeling of just existing in the moments of the days, i've felt that sometimes lately. i've had some nightmares, and also feelings of depression, anxiety, but also some feelings of feeling shyly embarassed for us. i read up about it,and talked with Holly and my mom a bit too. people with social anxiety, sometimes can experience the feelings of embarassment for others, that can make someone shy, feel super extra shy, and awkward feeling. it's not like a responsbility ocd, but for example, like a cringe-worthy moment, you witness. like, if someone accidentally fell, and other people noticed, and the person who fell, saw you seeing them fall, you can feel bad for the person,but also can feel embarassed, and almost to the point where you wish you were invisible in those moments, to take away the embarassing feeling they may be having. i  believe, i've been feeling some victim guilt, about things. on July 30th, i was kinda put in a situation, very uncomfortable situation, where i needed to react, and help, and to help try to reasonably  restore peace,even though i was met with, being yelled at, insulted, and  then hit. i feel like, embarassed, that i was put in that position unfairly, even though i was doing what was right, i still feel upset that it was  brought upon, by my sister jenn, and i feel embarassed for her, and what she put us all through. i think if it was the first time, it would be easier to move forward, but there's a traumatic feeling of feeling ashamed of her, but also ashamed for her. being a shy, and socially anxious person, it can be hard, to want to get involved in any way, when it comes to those experiences.

i have been talking with Holly, about self-care, after experiencing traumatic situation, and witnessing i, and how sometimes pulling back, distancing ourselves and coming up with boundaries, is healthy for us all, when we have these times come up in our lives, when having to do the right thing, and even when you do, sometimes it can traumatize you, in a way that affects you with depression ,anxiety, stress, and  can make you feel that  guilty feeling, like "why me, and why am i always in these situations?" it can put a lot of questions into your thoughts, and can make you feel bad, and upset, frustrated, depressed, anxious, stressed, and can make you feel embarassed for the person/s who put you through that. i feel some anxiety when i'm outside, in our front yard. i told Holly,that July 30th evening, when i had to go out into our road, right in the middle, and talk with 3 police officers, because i was a witness, but also a victim to what happened. i knew other neighbors had to be watching, wondering,and then seeing afterwards the cops arresting jenn. i feel socially more aware, and conscience of me being out there now, wondering what the neighbors are thinking of me. i feel upset, i was unfairly put into that  situation,and experience, and worried about what they think of me. even though my mom has talked with them, and they saw me walking back indoors that evening,  it still has a traumatizing effect on me, being shy, and having social anxiety.Everyone's been amazingly supportive of everyone, Kayla, my mom and dad, Holly and i, and everyone in our family, all of the well wishes.

i think some members of my family, can easily move forward, some have a tougher time. i've felt some numbess lately about everything, and trying my best to keep busy, with the garden, nature, my writings, writing it out. sometimes just writing about nature, gardening, it gives me strength to make it through rougher moments, but sometimes the writing doesn't fully get me over the hurdles, you know, like it's a hurdle in front of another one, shyness, social anxiety, feelings of  embarassement, the emotional trauma hurdle. i've felt very bad for my parents, this is their home, and they have done so much for all of us over the years. i've also felt very bad  for Holly, with her past traumas she's experienced, and her coming here to CT to live with us, for a more peaceful life. this has shaken a lot of us to our cores, and we want that feeling of comfortableness back, the feeling of normlcy, and feeling like we can be ourselves around eachother. everyone knows, my journals in recent years, things have been pretty well with jenn, mike, the kids, some of our best get togethes,have been with them, the holidays, birthday's, and more. i think the first picture i shared of Holly and i side by side, was Christmas 2019, at jenn's and mike's, and family's. i think part of me feeling victim guilt, is the feeling of feeling very bad for Jenn, due to the fact, all that she did on July 30th, could have been so very easily avoidable. she has more control when it comes to things than she knows. she has this knack, for not asserting herself in a positive way, when it comes to her relationship with my mom. in recent weeks, when jenn was upset, that Alyssa's kids were getting a bit rough, playing outside with jenn's kids, i believe, if jenn could have talked with my mom privately, and told her, for example,. "hey, i'm worried my kids may get hurt by Alyssa's kids, can you please have a private word with Alyssa, so that we feel more comfortable there". jenn could have done that, my mom would have talked to Alyssa and her kids in a heart-beat, and all of the July 30th incident, would have never happened, and all of us wouldn't have been vacuumed into it all. it's  very upsetting, and shouldn't have ever happened. when there's potential for a fire of emotions like that, and the ability to extinguish it before it gets to an emotional fire, it's very sad, that it got to the point where over-flowed.Holly and i personally, won't want to get vacuumed into the situations, when things are like they were on July 30th, unless it's absolutely necessary, like it was on that day.

angel friends,i want to say, jenn and mike, and the kids, have invited us, to Mikey's birthday party on tuesday, August 10th, and she has invited Alyssa, and the kids too. jenn told my mom, she's not ready to be around Kayla, understandbly,about all that happened. i feel a great relief myself personally, that jenn invited us, but also an extreme nervousness also, about it. i think it could be good, for family relationships  going forward. the emotional trauma part, the hurdles, it's rough, it really is. i think today, talking more with my mom, and Holly, and talking more at the same time, will be healthy,and this is healthy here,me writing, and sharing heart-feelings, and emotions. we've all had a lot on our minds, and it's been very hard to focus, and had to have an appetite at times. if we go tomorrow, we don't know how to react, or how to be, or if we'll get talked too. that uncertainty,and the unknown, can feel like very deep. we all can do a lot, to make ourselves feel comfortable, but when made to feel uncomfortable,it can put that ball in court of the person who acted in a way, to make others feel  uncomfortable, and i believe in those situations, the person responsible, should bear some of the responsibility of making things feel comfortable, and normal again, for the affected people. for now, trying to focus on one thing at a time, losing focus at times, but also finding peacefulness in our joys, is being helpful. sometimes our joy and peace can be taken from us, and learning to gain it back, in a healthiest way possible, shows the inner strength,to keep moving forward, on matter how tall the hurdles, or the walls can be, there's always a  way to make it through the hurdles, or for new doors to be installed within those walls, so that  it can feel comfortable again. we're hopeful for those doors to become there again, so we all feel welcome <3 thank you angel friends, for listening, for all of your support, and for being the most wonderful friends :) we all couldn't have made it this far without you all, and your comforting guidance, reassurance, and helpful kind hearts :) i'm going to write another journal this evening :) i'll continue to get back on  my normal track with my writings :)

we're all gonna be ok <3

-never lose hope :)