Feelings this a.m.
As most of you know, I went to take care of my baby sister who had major, major back surgery last week. I knew in my heart it wasn't going to be easy as she comes from a very wounded place (just like I have many times) and is a huge trigger for me. I knew this when I CHOSE TO GO. As I shared, she ignores you when you are talking, talks thru her husband and her dogs if she is talking to you, doesn't answer you in conversation and then later will bring up what you asked. Anyway, it doesn't matter how she acts or what she does, it's about 'me' and accepting that fact that I knew all of this before I went.
All the above happened, but on a much more bigger scale because of the physical pain I am sure! I am proud of me because when I was first triggered by her 'ignoring me' I wanted to rip into her; but instead I was able to remove myself and go to my bedroom, shut the door, and ask for help. That is when I heard "ask her if she if scared." Wow! When I returned, I asked her "if she was scared and she started bawling!" Things took a different shift for awhile. I had SEVERL OTHER EXPERIENCES where she lashed out. Once I suggested she not open the door to let the dogs out because the door is quite heavy and her response was "Oh, shut the hell up, you would do the same thing!" Later she admitted it was probably not a good idea.
Anyway, in my "getting away time" I realized how she was probably not just scared, but scared to death. This realization brought me to a place of compassion and I decided to just let her be where she was. It was about her..not me.
Coming home yesterday, I was elated at my behaviour. I was listening to a 13 step process on Radical Forgiveness and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. I am working on doing Radical Forgiveness/non-judgment for myself and it must be working because I was able to not judge her and let her be.
Another twist this a.m. I woke up was a sense of anger. Isn't that interesting. I was thinking how I extended the olive branch to my daughter; how I just handled myself at my sister's; how I had made peace with pretty much all my siblings; forgiven my parents, etc. What the hell was I angry about; almost feeling sad. I realized I was wanting "kudos" for my change; I was wanting to be noticed, Goddammit!" So I took this into the silence and asked to be revealed what was this all about. It was just another step of "little Vicki" wanting some attention; I WANTED TO BE SPECIAL. Look what I have done and no one even notices! No on ever noticed everything I did. Talk about feeling rejected. Anyway, I embraced those feelings, I embraced myself and actually laughed how strong our Ego can be.
Then I thought "what is the point to all this healing; what's the big deal?" For me, it's a sense of peace that has come to me, it's a feeling of love inside versus hatred. I don't feel the fear I once did (although I still do at times). I feel grateful for my journey. I get the gift of having COMPASSION FOR MYSELF AND OTHERS! And if this is what it is all about, IT"S ENOUGH FOR ME.
Thank-you to my sister for being the one who presented me with the opportunity to look at myself!
Namaste!
xo
Vicki
All the above happened, but on a much more bigger scale because of the physical pain I am sure! I am proud of me because when I was first triggered by her 'ignoring me' I wanted to rip into her; but instead I was able to remove myself and go to my bedroom, shut the door, and ask for help. That is when I heard "ask her if she if scared." Wow! When I returned, I asked her "if she was scared and she started bawling!" Things took a different shift for awhile. I had SEVERL OTHER EXPERIENCES where she lashed out. Once I suggested she not open the door to let the dogs out because the door is quite heavy and her response was "Oh, shut the hell up, you would do the same thing!" Later she admitted it was probably not a good idea.
Anyway, in my "getting away time" I realized how she was probably not just scared, but scared to death. This realization brought me to a place of compassion and I decided to just let her be where she was. It was about her..not me.
Coming home yesterday, I was elated at my behaviour. I was listening to a 13 step process on Radical Forgiveness and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. I am working on doing Radical Forgiveness/non-judgment for myself and it must be working because I was able to not judge her and let her be.
Another twist this a.m. I woke up was a sense of anger. Isn't that interesting. I was thinking how I extended the olive branch to my daughter; how I just handled myself at my sister's; how I had made peace with pretty much all my siblings; forgiven my parents, etc. What the hell was I angry about; almost feeling sad. I realized I was wanting "kudos" for my change; I was wanting to be noticed, Goddammit!" So I took this into the silence and asked to be revealed what was this all about. It was just another step of "little Vicki" wanting some attention; I WANTED TO BE SPECIAL. Look what I have done and no one even notices! No on ever noticed everything I did. Talk about feeling rejected. Anyway, I embraced those feelings, I embraced myself and actually laughed how strong our Ego can be.
Then I thought "what is the point to all this healing; what's the big deal?" For me, it's a sense of peace that has come to me, it's a feeling of love inside versus hatred. I don't feel the fear I once did (although I still do at times). I feel grateful for my journey. I get the gift of having COMPASSION FOR MYSELF AND OTHERS! And if this is what it is all about, IT"S ENOUGH FOR ME.
Thank-you to my sister for being the one who presented me with the opportunity to look at myself!
Namaste!
xo
Vicki
Replies
well...I think what you did (being with your sis) was amazing. That must have taken some courage. I agree with you about the \'healing\'...for me it is definetly the inner peace I feel and continue to build on. I still feel scared at times. While I have great compassion for others I know I need to have more compassion for me. something I work on as much as I can. You are quite an inspirationto me Vicky
much love to you...hugs too
Vicki,
Kudos to you.
I needed to hear your experience for it reminds me of a number of things: Yes, how strong the ego is. Yes, how much I want to be noticed and admired. Yes, how hard it is not to fall back into old behaviors and beliefs when triggered. Yes, how fearful my little girl can get. Yes, how my \"story\" of rejection comes to life in both big and small ways and how unimportant and unworthy that can make me feel.
And yes, healing is about remembering that I AM and the great comfort that brings me.
Thank you for sharing your experience and for continuing to grow the compassion that you are.
xx
We all like a big hug sometimes. We all like to hear positive words of encouragement and compassion sometimes. Nothing wrong at all with that. You\'re the first one to extend this to others. Here\'s a big, big hug and smile of encouragement for you.
Vicki, you are strong, wonderful and most of all kind. Sending you the biggest hug and love....to one brave and fantastic lady xxx
Being compassionate with yourself is the end-goal, IMO. And you\'ve come a long way in you studies and applications, spiritually and otherwise, especially in codependency behavioral recovery.
For me, compassion is respect for where others are in their journey, that is separate from MY journey of self-acceptance and acceptance of this world as it is. I\'m getting off them at need or expectation that the world should adapt to me, and instead realize it is I that needs to adapt to the world as I am.
As a recovering CO, I don\'t want my emotions, especially the negative ones about me, be triggered, ignited, and drug around by everyone else\'s difficulties. I want to set boundaries on my emotions about what I can change externally and what I can\'t change, and not feel guilty for what I didn\'t get or can\'t do.
Keep teaching us and sharing your insights for success, you\'re a good teacher, IMHO.
XO
Thank-you everyone! And thank-you all the support you have given me and continue to give me! All of you mean sooooooooooooo much to me!
XO