Feelings of Guilt
Thursday, September 11, 2008 – 3:40 P.M. When I woke up this morning, I was feeling good physically, with the exception of a mild cold. On the mental front, I can actually feel my depression worsening, which is not good for anyone. This was pool day for me. I was not excited about going to the clinic. An extra therapist was required to help me get undressed, and then put me on a chair that is connected to a hydraulic left, which swings over the water. The lift slowly put me into the pool. At that point, a flotation device was fastened around my lower back. Then the therapists began stretching and bending my legs, while I worked on mobilizing my arms and hands. I was in the pool about 20 minutes. The main problem I have with all of this is that I feel as though I am a “burden” on whoever works with me. That does not set too well on my conscience. It makes feel guilty. I suspect these feelings came from what I was taught in my childhood. Every time I need some to help me physically, along comes the guilt. I do not know what to do about this. Each time I think about using the pool, I start getting the feeling that I should just call it quits. Added to this is the fact that I only have one pool session remaining unless my doctor prescribes more. I have some conflicting emotions about this. If it is helping me, I do not want it to stop, but at the same time, I do not know how much longer I can keep going feeling that I am a burden. Inspirational Quote: "You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself." -- Carol Burnett
Replies
\"The main problem I have with all of this is that I feel as though I am a burden on whoever works with me. \"
Ok, why would the soldier injured in battle, or the person injured by a drunk driver needing the same pool therapy NOT be a burden, and yet you think you are?
Hmmmm????
Stop it.
\"I suspect these feelings came from what I was taught in my childhood.\'
Well, you and I ascertained last year that the people who taught you that had a few screws loose, and weren\'t right about everything.
So stop that too.
You just happened to be born with a great mind and a body that isn\'t according to the manual.
So stop thinking of yourself as a burden, and think of yourself as someone who keeps those people employed. If they can\'t handle a patient like you, McDonald\'s is hiring...
I like the quote... Now look at how much YOU\'VE survived, and know I am proud to be your friend.
And.... another niggle. Why is everything \'depression\'. I\'m wondering if a more broad repertoire of words is needed here. You\'re frustrated, dissatisfied, sad, angry, hurt, tired, ... I mean, having all those can lead to depression, but if you take each thing as its own, is it actually \'depressing\'.
I\'m afraid you\'re labeling things all-purpose that way, and I\'m afraid it contributes to your feeling self-defeated.
But I\'ve been wrong before. It was just a thought.
Hugs and Mojo to you.....
Weebs
You are not a burden. It is the job of the pt worker to assist you. Try not to feel that way. Do you think that it has been helping you. Remember it is your choice to continue or not to continue. If it is to frustrating you do not have to do it. If you think it helps and you are given the authorization try it. In the end do what makes you feel better.
This is the second time I have written this. The first one got lost in Cyberspace.
\"Ok, why would the soldier injured in battle, or the person injured by a drunk driver needing the same pool therapy NOT be a burden, and yet you think you are?\"
Because i think I need more help than these people would require. I was brought up being told I could do the same things as everyone else - except walk. My parents also said I could walk if I wanted to badly enough. I do remember our discussion that the people who taught me had a few screws loose.
\"And.... another niggle. Why is everything \'depression\'. I\'m wondering if a more broad repertoire of words is needed here. You\'re frustrated, dissatisfied, sad, angry, hurt, tired, ... I mean, having all those can lead to depression, but if you take each thing as its own, is it actually \'depressing\'.
I\'m afraid you\'re labeling things all-purpose that way, and I\'m afraid it contributes to your feeling self-defeated. \"
Do you mean that instead of saying \"depression,\" I should break it down to more specifics such as \"frustrated, dissatisfied, sad, angry, hurt, tired?\" That would make it more difficult since I have trouble expressing my emotions and true feelings.
\"Now look at how much YOU\'VE survived, and know I am proud to be your friend.\"
I, too, am glad to call you my friend. A sincere \"Thank you\" for ALL the help and support you have given me.
Your friend,
Jim
\"Because i think I need more help than these people would require.\"
Nope, they have the same lack of function you do, and don\'t forget, I spent a summer Easter Seals... I\'ve seen it personally, and much worse. So why do they rate and not you?
\"My parents also said I could walk if I wanted to badly enough.\"
And they got their medical degrees from where? Again... my summer at ES... And maybe you could have walked THEN. But this is NOW. So deal with NOW, and STOP using the rules of THE PAST. Unless you think you could walk now, then ask the PTs what you\'d need to do to get there! I\'ll support you either way.
\"That would make it more difficult since I have trouble expressing my emotions and true feelings. \"
And so labeling it depression makes it easier? By doing that you may actually contribute to setting off the chemistry that gets you there? If you change the wordage, you may find that your journalist\'s brain can begin to problem solve.
If it does make it easier, I understand that - to a point. But don\'t stay there too long, ok? Break things down into what they are, smaller things, individual things, and take them one at a time, or group some together IF they fit.
Hugs and Mojo... Sleep well. I posted some magic wands to help ensure that.
Weebs
Wow !! You two really get all fired up.
Touche. I think what we have here are TWO amazing minds and two very good friends. This interaction was interesting...and a little scary to watch.
You people with the great minds and super deluxe vocabularies, do scare me just a mite. might...myte....now see what is happening !! Gosh.
I hate to disagree with you Jim, you are thee man...as in cool dude.
Your Weebs is right. This is a choice for your aids. The McDonald\'s statement cracked me up. Maybe some of these people really do belong there.
If so, I hope a little trail of Egg Mcmuffins leads the way.
But, the ones that stay behind are there by choice.
If you went to McDonald\'s and bought an Egg Mcmuffin, would you feel like a burden when one of your former aids served it up to you, with a nice, have a nice day...schtick ? Of course not. You went there to purchase something that was provided by this business. This service was supplied by employees.
This is just \" business,\" Jim. You are there for services provided by this agency.
Now, if you kept stopping off at someone\'s home...or a family members home and expected to get the same pool therapy...and they did it for you over and over again while not wanting to do so...then you might be a tad bit of a burden.
Of course, they would be nuts for letting you show up every day in swimming trunks.
You can look at this differently.
What a gift, what a blessing ! Now you get to work on an issue that has been with you for a very long time.
Weebs told you where it came from. You knew it, too.
You are a brilliant man.
It does not take a rocket scientist to be able to diagnosis that this is a belief that was put in place by people in your past.
Apparently they did such a good job, it has almost become part of you inner core.
Take advantage of this opportunity.
Your Weebs is right, again. Do break down some of this into smaller groups.
You feel like a burden. This is something you can change.
What a blessing it is to have the availability of pool therapy in my life.
I am overjoyed with my good fortune in having capable assistance during my pool therapy sessions.
I deserve to have this high level of helpful physical therapy in my life.
You could also allow yourself to receive...allow yourself to have a need, then allow yourself to have that need met.
You could practice this repeatedly until it feels like the norm.
I think your standards are much to high for yourself.
Lower the bar a little. Relax.
You are a person who is going to need help and assistance from time to time.
If someone made you feel guilty or feel like a burden, it makes me wonder if they put this controlling and limiting thought in your head, so that THEY would not have to do as much to help you, or they could get off on some superiority complex. They put you on auto pilot to help themselves out. Then, they did not flip the switch back to off when they left your life. Kick em ta hell outta your head.
You are a man who has some physical limitations. You are a man who deserves to have his need met.
You are deserving. You have birthrights. You have entitlements.
This is one of them.
Again with the Weebs. Depression is a medical condition. She is right.
Consider defining what you are feeling when you say you are depressed.
You might be surprised when you find out some of it is anger.
For me, and apparently for your good friend, when I make my feelings known to myself, ....I feel lost, I feel neglected, I feel deep sadness, it gives me a clue as to what I am dealing with.
You cold practice, also.
You could stop yourself in the moment and find what it is that you are really feeling beside feeling depressed.
I hated doing this in the beginning.
After much practice, I found identifying the feeling more accurately, helped me greatly in understanding what I needed to do next to take better care of myself.
Now, I have typed way too much in a very sloppy fashion.
I do care about you very much.
But, have mercy, here guy. I am very tired and should have just went off to bed.
I don\'t even know if I made sense to me tonight.
I could not walk away from your journal, though.
You are not a burden.
Do you realize you sow seeds of inspiration and self discovery in all those aids, nurses, doctors, schmucks...all of em that you interact with daily ?
You are one of the most amazing individuals I have ever met.
Burden does not factor into this vocabulary at all.
Actually, I think they are indebted to you.
Now...good night...oh yeah...would you please get that switch and flip it to OFF? Thanks. That\'s much better.
JIm You are not a burden to anyone in that clinic. They help people like you everday. You are not the only person who needs that kind of help with pool therapy. Futhermore they are being paid to do their work. You are very much like myself. WE THINK WAY TOO MUCH. Very often I think those of us with CP,Bcause our bodies don\'t work too well. Our BRAINS work overtime. What do you think am I right? Many hugs-Stephanie
I seem to have inadvertently stirred up a hornets nest with Thursdays journal entry. That was not my intention, but I felt a need to express my feelings in an open and honest manner. To that end, I was successful. What I did not expect was receiving all the fallout that followed.
Although I may regret saying it later, Weebs was for the most part right on the mark with her comments. She was one of the first friends I met here. There have been times when I have stumbled, and she has always been there pushing me forward.
She is a person in whom I felt comfortable enough to discuss my screwy family. I cannot write everything I have learned from her that would take a book. We are close enough that, upon occasion, she takes risks and tries to set me straight when she feels I am wrong.
We were not arguing in Thursdays journal. I would call it a difference of opinion and beliefs. Some of what was said was an exchange of feelings and perceptions. I am still in the midst of processing everything.
I appreciate all the comments left by vchen, GoodGod, CoolGal, and last, but not least Weebs.
Listen to your other friends too... and not just because of the gracious compliments my direction. GoodGod added some brilliant filler points, YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO IT! Everyone had good stuff here.
Hugs and Mojo to my special friend... JimK.
Weebs
PS - this was not a hornet\'s nest. A \'livelier than usual exchange\' maybe...
(((((((hug)))))))
I did not mean to slight anyone who commented.
vchen, I do not feel that I have a problem with any of the therapists. They have always been polite, courteous, and helpful through their positive encouragement and support. Any problems I have seems to be in my head, and they were passed down to me by my mother.
GoodGod, I am beginning to understand that they are providing a service to me. No one is forcing them. They are doing it by choice.
\"It does not take a rocket scientist to be able to diagnosis that this is a belief that was put in place by people in your past.
Apparently they did such a good job, it has almost become part of you inner core.\"
This belief, and several others, was put there by my mother who was very dysfunctional. My counselor went so far as to say I was \"brainwashed.\"
\"Do you realize you sow seeds of inspiration and self discovery in all those aids, nurses, doctors, schmucks...all of em that you interact with daily ?\"
Oddly enough, I don\'t see myself in that light. I\'ll work on it though.
CoolGal, \"WE THINK WAY TOO MUCH. Very often I think those of us with CP,Bcause our bodies don\'t work too well. Our BRAINS work overtime. What do you think am I right??
I tend to agree with this. Our brains are making up for what is lacking in our bodies. You are a very insightful person.
-\"Do you realize you sow seeds of inspiration and self discovery in all those aids, nurses, doctors, schmucks...all of em that you interact with daily ?\"
I would love to see you work on that, Jim. I know I\'m inspired and discover a whole lot from you and I\'m not even in your presence! Those people are damn lucky.
Sam, thank you for your kind words. I never think of myself as being very much of an inspiration to anyone. I do not know if I was placed on this earth for that purpose, but if I was then I hope I can carry it out in a positive manner.