Feelings

Every day is a struggle for anyone dealing with mental illiness.    I have been dealing with anxiety my whole life.   The depression came after my mom passed away 20 years ago.   Before that I think I might have had bouts with depression on and off.   But it really became a part of my daily struggle after my mom died.    

After she passed away I didn't feel like there was anything to go on for.  I sank into a deep, dark place and I didn't care about anything.   I was living in my parents home, my father had passed away 4 years before my mom.   I wasn't as close to him as I was to her, but I miss him too.   

I have an older brother, but he was not there for me.  The only person he has ever been there for is himself.   He likes to talk, saying that he was going to be there.  But he was not.  I had to handle my emotions myself.   I had no support at all.   I had a cousin, she helped me when my mom was in the hospital and I needed to get her to sign a health care proxy.   But after she wasn't there.  

I didn't have anywhere to go and I couldnt' stay in my parents home because the house had a mortgage on it,  and I had already tried to keep the house by paying for it myself.  Which I shouldn't have.   My parents house was free and clear until my brother wanted to buy a house for he and his wife and needed collatoral.  And talked my parents into putting another mortgage on the house.   SO I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't think clearly.   I should have made my mom sell the house.  But then my brother probably would have wanted that money too.   He has used all of us to financially support him.    

I lived with my brother for 8 years,  until he and his girlfriend decided to move to FL and I was not going to go with him. I moved in with a friend in NH,  but things didn't work out there so I moved in with another friend in VA.    I lived there for 9 years until they moved 2 years ago to Oregon.   They were not the most stable people to live with.  And I couldn't see myself moving cross country.  

so I'm living with a neighbor, there is very little drama.   I think I've been so used to drama that I'm not used to things being calmer.    

Some days life feels so empty.  Today I feel sad.  I've been fighting the sadness.   I feel so worthless and that no one would really care of anything happened to me.   Maybe some would even be glad.   :(