Feeling Weak
Sometimes I have my ups and my downs. Some days I do really good and feel full of energy. Other days I'm pretty lethargic. Today happens to be one of those. I'm extremely tired. I think the constant pain just wears away on me at times. When I have enough of this, I put all my motivation into doing "stuff," but then that just drains me.
I've never been one to pace myself. I have always been either all in, or all the way out. I just don't believe in doing things "half assed." That's awfully hard to reconcile when you are in constant pain. The pain tells me that I can only go so far, but the spirit within me rebels and says, "No, you're going to do it right. Nothing ever worth doing..."
There's a fear that I live with constantly. It's the fear that comes from knowing that if/when I do something, it's going to hurt. Its fear from the knowledge that I'm going to pay for it for quite a while. It's not like banging your shin against something hard where you have sharp pain, but it goes away rather quickly. No, its as if you cut yourself and you know that you'll be hurting for a while as you heal up.
The thing is, everything I do comes with pain. Hell, even sitting and sleeping comes with pain. So I live in constant fear.
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” I really don't consider myself a Star Wars nerd. I can enjoy the series, but I don't hang on it. In fact, I haven't even seen the latest movie yet. I hear another one is coming out this winter, but I feel no strong drive to watch it. However, writers write, and sometimes little tidbits of wisdom are found in their material. The writers of Star Wars stumbled upon a good one, and I think it describes to a "t" what I experience. Fear, at least for me, does lead to anger. I get angry because I can't do what I want to do. I get angry because I feel useless. I get mad because it all feels so unfair. Why me? Then that anger leads to hate. Its true. When I'm constantly angry, the slightest thing pushes my buttons. I starting hating people in the opposite "political spectrum." I hate people who attack my faith. Its very easy for me to hate. In the end, I do suffer emotionally because of all of this. Sometimes even physically, as all that anger and hatred causes my body to get into "fight mode," which causes muscles to tense, which causes more pain, etc. sometimes I feel psychotic, but I know the source of all of this - my pain.
Growing up, I was not in control of a lot of things around me, and life was literally "fight or flight." I had a very abusive mother, and was constantly walking on egg shells. I still have memories of age six and younger when she used to beat me, and when she wasn't doing that, she'd be yelling at me. I was a troubled kid as I grew older and ended up dropping out of school in the 9th grade. Eventually I ended up living on the streets. The only thing that saved my was my anger. Well, it saved my physical life but destroyed me internally. Hate allowed me to have "power." When on the streets, you were either the victim or you were the taker. I vowed that I would do my best to never be the victim (although I was a lot of the times). so I lived with hate. If you looked at me wrong, I hated you. But this wasn't just a "bad feeling," it was an instinctive gut reaction, and I used it to my advantage. I hurt many people. I used many people. What's worse, I took pleasure in it. Immense pleasure because I enjoyed finally not being the victim.
When I found God, or should I say, when He found me, that hatred was replaced with love. I went many years without hatred. Sure, I'd get angry, but I would never get back to the base hatred that used to rule my life. But with the pain, it has brought all of it back.
The pain is causing me to revert to my instinctual nature - the nature to survive. I was conditioned from an early age that the only way to survive was to get mad, fighting mad. I had to, else I would have been hurt even more than I was.
I see it happening in me, in my heart. The crazy thing is, it's angering me even more to see me get angry! I don't want to go down this road, and at times, I can keep my anger in check. Yet I feel it constantly simmering inside of me.I can't go to church, not unless I want to convert to a false religion, because that's all there really is around here. The closest Christian one is a 40 minute drive from here. Even if my pain would allow me to make that drive, sit through a two hour service, and take a 40 minute drive home (which it won't), I can't afford it. Seriously. We are constantly playing "catch up" with the bills. You can read the Bible so many times, and pray so many times before it ends up being futile. And that makes me angry as well.So all of this leaves me weak. And Tired. And Fearful. It's a vicious circle.
I ended up not going to the counselor because really, what can they do for me? Nothing. Someone in their 20's or 30's who have no where the amount of life experience I have can ever tell me how to live. They haven't lived yet themselves. What's worse, some of my struggles come with the dominant religion in this area, and the counselors are all a part of it. How can they even understand?I'm just very tired and weak.
I've never been one to pace myself. I have always been either all in, or all the way out. I just don't believe in doing things "half assed." That's awfully hard to reconcile when you are in constant pain. The pain tells me that I can only go so far, but the spirit within me rebels and says, "No, you're going to do it right. Nothing ever worth doing..."
There's a fear that I live with constantly. It's the fear that comes from knowing that if/when I do something, it's going to hurt. Its fear from the knowledge that I'm going to pay for it for quite a while. It's not like banging your shin against something hard where you have sharp pain, but it goes away rather quickly. No, its as if you cut yourself and you know that you'll be hurting for a while as you heal up.
The thing is, everything I do comes with pain. Hell, even sitting and sleeping comes with pain. So I live in constant fear.
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” I really don't consider myself a Star Wars nerd. I can enjoy the series, but I don't hang on it. In fact, I haven't even seen the latest movie yet. I hear another one is coming out this winter, but I feel no strong drive to watch it. However, writers write, and sometimes little tidbits of wisdom are found in their material. The writers of Star Wars stumbled upon a good one, and I think it describes to a "t" what I experience. Fear, at least for me, does lead to anger. I get angry because I can't do what I want to do. I get angry because I feel useless. I get mad because it all feels so unfair. Why me? Then that anger leads to hate. Its true. When I'm constantly angry, the slightest thing pushes my buttons. I starting hating people in the opposite "political spectrum." I hate people who attack my faith. Its very easy for me to hate. In the end, I do suffer emotionally because of all of this. Sometimes even physically, as all that anger and hatred causes my body to get into "fight mode," which causes muscles to tense, which causes more pain, etc. sometimes I feel psychotic, but I know the source of all of this - my pain.
Growing up, I was not in control of a lot of things around me, and life was literally "fight or flight." I had a very abusive mother, and was constantly walking on egg shells. I still have memories of age six and younger when she used to beat me, and when she wasn't doing that, she'd be yelling at me. I was a troubled kid as I grew older and ended up dropping out of school in the 9th grade. Eventually I ended up living on the streets. The only thing that saved my was my anger. Well, it saved my physical life but destroyed me internally. Hate allowed me to have "power." When on the streets, you were either the victim or you were the taker. I vowed that I would do my best to never be the victim (although I was a lot of the times). so I lived with hate. If you looked at me wrong, I hated you. But this wasn't just a "bad feeling," it was an instinctive gut reaction, and I used it to my advantage. I hurt many people. I used many people. What's worse, I took pleasure in it. Immense pleasure because I enjoyed finally not being the victim.
When I found God, or should I say, when He found me, that hatred was replaced with love. I went many years without hatred. Sure, I'd get angry, but I would never get back to the base hatred that used to rule my life. But with the pain, it has brought all of it back.
The pain is causing me to revert to my instinctual nature - the nature to survive. I was conditioned from an early age that the only way to survive was to get mad, fighting mad. I had to, else I would have been hurt even more than I was.
I see it happening in me, in my heart. The crazy thing is, it's angering me even more to see me get angry! I don't want to go down this road, and at times, I can keep my anger in check. Yet I feel it constantly simmering inside of me.I can't go to church, not unless I want to convert to a false religion, because that's all there really is around here. The closest Christian one is a 40 minute drive from here. Even if my pain would allow me to make that drive, sit through a two hour service, and take a 40 minute drive home (which it won't), I can't afford it. Seriously. We are constantly playing "catch up" with the bills. You can read the Bible so many times, and pray so many times before it ends up being futile. And that makes me angry as well.So all of this leaves me weak. And Tired. And Fearful. It's a vicious circle.
I ended up not going to the counselor because really, what can they do for me? Nothing. Someone in their 20's or 30's who have no where the amount of life experience I have can ever tell me how to live. They haven't lived yet themselves. What's worse, some of my struggles come with the dominant religion in this area, and the counselors are all a part of it. How can they even understand?I'm just very tired and weak.
Replies
Hey sweetie. I\'m glad you journaled all of this and thank you for sharing it. I can understand what you said \"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. That\'s a pretty profound quote to describe what you feel because I truly can see how that happens when you fear knowing that if you \' push yourself \' and go \' all in \', you will indeed suffer. That makes you angry... and ofcourse it does. Who wouldn\'t be angry at that? Knowing that your pain is a constant presence. It\'s a constant FEELING that you can\'t escape from. I wish so much that weren\'t the case. I\'m so glad that you found God ( or , He found you ) and you replaced that hate with love. You don\'t have to go to church to feel your faith and feel close to God. I rarely go to church but I feel like I have a strong faith. I get mad that I hurt every day too. I also see those around me who go on their merry way each day happy go lucky and I get envious of those people. I don\'t hate them, I just wish I could have a day like that. It\'s not fair that you suffer like you do. There\'s not a dang thing fair about it. I know though that you are strong and you perservere through it. You know how much I hope that things get better for you. That you can find a doctor who will be able to help you. As far as counseling, that\'s your choice and I do understand what you are saying. If you don\'t feel like your counselor can help you, then there\'s no point in going. If you feel like you need to go, then I hope you will. I understand that your tired... pain is an exhausting thing to live with, both mentally and physically. Know that I keep you in my prayers and I\'m here for you.
Comforting hugs ~~
G
i\'m so sorry u experience this an yet your desire to not allow it to hinder u is nothing less than aspirational.. have you tried acupuncture before,, i\'m uncertain exactly what your daily experience is but as a person myself that has fears that come an go that place isn\'t the safest place to spiritually reside,, i also mentioned to u i went to a hypnotist an that one session helped me greatly perhaps that\'s something you\'d consider,, feel great today my friend,, Merciful Healer create calm in our bodies an mind,, uplift us repair us restore us an keep us in great health today an everyday ,, Amen
So sorry you went through that. Thank you for opening up.
I don\'t know when your pain started, I don\'t have the concentration to remember if you mentioned it or not. If your pain is recent (last few years) Your anger is pretty normal. I was so angry at all the things I could no longer do. For a full year I was in so much pain and very angry. I bet I thought about suicide 15 + times.
We are a lot alike. I don\'t do things half-assed either, I am like a tornado when I do something.
I wish you had a church close to you, I know your faith is important. Does your wife feel the same way? Maybe you could set an hour aside and talk about your faith-like a home version? call me crazy lol.
I understand the therapist totally! I went to a young gal and said I felt stupid because I couldn\'t remember things or did stupid crap and she said \" Oh, I do too\". Uh NOOOOOOOO you don\'t get it! She was like everyone else who didn\'t understand. Grrrrrrr
Hope you are having a better day today. Will pray that you are and he will guide you through your anger.
;)
I totally get where you\'re coming from regarding the all consuming anger too. When you lose your life, income, most of your friends etc etc and thats replaced with non stop pain and mind blowing boredom is it really any wonder we end up permanently pissed off and depressed...I don\'t have any great advice for you but I wanted to let you know that it does, slowly, eventually, start to ease a little over time..I not sure if it comes with acceptance about your new life or, like I think was for me, is that constant anger on top of constant pain is just so damn exhausting that it all becomes impossible to sustain. I still fantastise about what I could do to my surgeon that would cause him to have cp lol but I don\'t dwell on it as much as I used to cause hes just not worth wasting my, limited, energy on.
I was so happy to read that you had such a great talk with your daughter! Try to focus on that when things feel overwhelming, hopefully that call was the start of a new, closer relationship between you two.