Feeling Vulnerable
My
nerves are frazzled. I had a panic attack Monday morning at like 5:30 am. It
was scary but it didn't last long because I took a "happy pill". It
was still violently scary and it left me feeling weak and shaken. I called my
mom and she helped me through my breathing exercises. All I could do was curl
in a ball on the floor and scream the name of Jesus while my soul felt as if it
were being drained from my body.
Not
only that, but my insomnia is back in effect also. I should definitely be
sleeping right now but that's nearly impossible. I feel so alone when I'm like
this. I'm awake while everyone else is sleeping and sleeping when everyone else
is awake. I miss my boyfriend like crazy. He makes me so happy. He makes me
smile but I don't know if he really understands what I go through. I can tell he tries to understand but I think
it scares him as well. I cant say I
fault him because its quite scary to me too.
I still feel like it is asking a lot for him to 100% understand. I can tell he wants to. It seems as though time he swallows one pill
I am cramming another down his throat. I
dont want him to leave me but I wouldnt be shocked if he did. This is a lot
to handle. Having HS makes me cry more
than anything else. It hurts mentally,
physically, and emotionally.
On
Saturday, my family gave my niece her first birthday party. Shes only one years old but that party was
fit for a queen and it took a lot of work too.
It was warm early in the day but I still helped decorate the yard and
went into the house when I because warm to cool off my skin. I dont have to explain what heat does to
someone with HS. I went into the house
to get cool but it seems as if I were only getting hotter. I was standing in the kitchen talking to my
sister when my aunts husband, who was cooking in the cool house all day, asked
me for a mop. I looked in the laundry
room but there wasnt one in there. My
sister told him it was probably outside.
I tell my sister I am getting water out of the fridge because they were
frozen and it may cool me. He says to
me, Shelia would you get the broom! I
go to the fridge and grab a water bottle.
I tell him that I am hot. He says
we are all hot. I say yes but I am the
only one with a skin condition. I reach
out the door and grab the first mop looking thing I see and turn around when I
hear him say, You need to be working. Nobody cares about your skin! I throw the broom towards him and just as I
am about to tell him where to put the broom my mom walks in and grabs me and
tell me to take a shower to cool my skin off.
God knows I was about to tell him some things he had never heard before. My mom called me and said she knew I what I
was about to do and that is why she sent me away. I am kind of glad she did because it was going
to be bad. LOL. She said after I left
from the kitchen my sister and cousin were standing there frozen because they
knew it was going to be bad if I opened my mouth. I am very slow to anger but when I do get
there, well, I shut it down. Lol. He
just kind of stayed out of my way for the rest of the day. My nieces party was a blast though!
nerves are frazzled. I had a panic attack Monday morning at like 5:30 am. It
was scary but it didn't last long because I took a "happy pill". It
was still violently scary and it left me feeling weak and shaken. I called my
mom and she helped me through my breathing exercises. All I could do was curl
in a ball on the floor and scream the name of Jesus while my soul felt as if it
were being drained from my body.
Not
only that, but my insomnia is back in effect also. I should definitely be
sleeping right now but that's nearly impossible. I feel so alone when I'm like
this. I'm awake while everyone else is sleeping and sleeping when everyone else
is awake. I miss my boyfriend like crazy. He makes me so happy. He makes me
smile but I don't know if he really understands what I go through. I can tell he tries to understand but I think
it scares him as well. I cant say I
fault him because its quite scary to me too.
I still feel like it is asking a lot for him to 100% understand. I can tell he wants to. It seems as though time he swallows one pill
I am cramming another down his throat. I
dont want him to leave me but I wouldnt be shocked if he did. This is a lot
to handle. Having HS makes me cry more
than anything else. It hurts mentally,
physically, and emotionally.
On
Saturday, my family gave my niece her first birthday party. Shes only one years old but that party was
fit for a queen and it took a lot of work too.
It was warm early in the day but I still helped decorate the yard and
went into the house when I because warm to cool off my skin. I dont have to explain what heat does to
someone with HS. I went into the house
to get cool but it seems as if I were only getting hotter. I was standing in the kitchen talking to my
sister when my aunts husband, who was cooking in the cool house all day, asked
me for a mop. I looked in the laundry
room but there wasnt one in there. My
sister told him it was probably outside.
I tell my sister I am getting water out of the fridge because they were
frozen and it may cool me. He says to
me, Shelia would you get the broom! I
go to the fridge and grab a water bottle.
I tell him that I am hot. He says
we are all hot. I say yes but I am the
only one with a skin condition. I reach
out the door and grab the first mop looking thing I see and turn around when I
hear him say, You need to be working. Nobody cares about your skin! I throw the broom towards him and just as I
am about to tell him where to put the broom my mom walks in and grabs me and
tell me to take a shower to cool my skin off.
God knows I was about to tell him some things he had never heard before. My mom called me and said she knew I what I
was about to do and that is why she sent me away. I am kind of glad she did because it was going
to be bad. LOL. She said after I left
from the kitchen my sister and cousin were standing there frozen because they
knew it was going to be bad if I opened my mouth. I am very slow to anger but when I do get
there, well, I shut it down. Lol. He
just kind of stayed out of my way for the rest of the day. My nieces party was a blast though!
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