feeling very fragile right now
Not long ago I thought of writing that being fragile is not a bad thing. Some of the most beautiful things in the world are very fragile and can break very easily. I say this as an attempt to find more self-acceptance during this hard time I am having. Most of the time I am very hard on myself and don't know how to be more gentle and more compassionate toward myself. The Bible talks about having compassion for others and forgiving them. But it doesn't talk about how to forgive yourself for things you've done in the past. And I know what people will say and what they do say-----you were just a child-----you had no choice about these events. Yes I know that's true but I still carry around a lot of guilt and self-blame. It's a lot of work trying to be nicer to myself. And what about all this fear that I carry around all the time----? How do I stop being so afraid? I don't know......
Was I this bad a year ago? Did the holidays do me in in the past as bad as now? I guess in the past I would be in bed unable to get up and do anything at all. Yes that's what has happened in the past. In the past I just fell apart completely. Would stay in bed----very weak and barely able to speak. And overcome by insane amounts of guilt-----just waves and waves of horrible guilt.
Is it better that I am at least out of bed and somewhat coherent? I would like to think that yes it is better to be up and around, at least trying to get something done. And trying to take care of Josh.
Was I this bad a year ago? Did the holidays do me in in the past as bad as now? I guess in the past I would be in bed unable to get up and do anything at all. Yes that's what has happened in the past. In the past I just fell apart completely. Would stay in bed----very weak and barely able to speak. And overcome by insane amounts of guilt-----just waves and waves of horrible guilt.
Is it better that I am at least out of bed and somewhat coherent? I would like to think that yes it is better to be up and around, at least trying to get something done. And trying to take care of Josh.
Replies
I can tell you, it is an accomplishment to be out of bed and moving. With depression, it strikes and it can get rough even getting out of bed. Hats off to you for your accomplishments, because depression is real, hard to cope with and even tiny steps, or big steps should be taken as well done.
Guilt, being hard on yourself, is all part of depression, and for me, I am finding that I have to take one day at a time. I say what works for me, not what works for others. I have decided in my heart, that one day at a time. Some days, I do good, and other days, I tend to suffer with guilt or the feeling of being left out. I see others doing good, and I wonder, what is wrong with me?
I go to church, but I don\'t preach religion. Forgiving is hard, but if a person doesn\'t forgive, it is not the one who is not being forgiven who is in pain, as they go on with their life. I care about you, and I think you are making progress with this journal.
Yes, it is better you are out of bed and somewhat coherent. Give yourself credit, a lot of credit for that. Also remember, if you have bad days, or feel you are not doing as good as you should, balance it out with what you have accomplished. I am proud of you!
Honeybun, it hurts me to read of your pain about the past. Are you so sure the bible has nothing to say about this? Cos I remember how Peter denied Jesus three times prior to the cruxifixion and when Peter realised what he had done he \"wept bitterly\" (Matthew) - can you imagine that big and tough fisherman crying? Peter was truly repentant and Jesus forgave Peter and Peter became one of His best known disciples. Then there is Paul who persecuted Christians till he was converted - Jesus forgave him too but it must have been hard for Paul to live with what he had done in the past to Christians. What about David who orchestrated a man\'s death because David wanted his wife? David was forgiven but how awful to have that in one\'s past. When I started my prayer list I included people who had hurt me and done me harm in the past and it was difficult to pray for them. I forgave them but pray for them? Funny how the forgiving is easy but not the forgetting. But as recently as 2nd November I looked at that list and started to laugh cos these people used me to feel better about their problems. I suddenly realised what they did to me in the past had nothing to do with me, it was their issues and problems that had ruined the relationship, not me! In fact I believe Satan used them to hurt me but God is good and promises us freedom from the past and shows us how Satan uses the past to hurt us. If I can give you any advice honeybun, its to read God\'s word and if you don\'t understand it find the answer - its there. Studying the word of God was like prayer for me, knew I needed it but so easy to put it off. Joyce Meyer quotes: \"Do you believe that you are all wrong? If you do, you will continue to produce wrong behaviour. Your life will bear fruit on the outside of what you believe about yourself on the inside..... God never requires us to do something without giving us what we need to do it.\" (The Everyday Life Bible).
A friend put this quote on my facebook and I love it:
WHEN THE PAST CALLS, LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL. IT\'S GOT NOTHiNG NEW TO SAY.
So now I starting to do that more and more, letting the past go to Jesus cos Jesus will deal with it allowing me to go forward free of pain and guilt. Yes I do sometimes feel guilt about the past but its so much more rewarding for me now to be in the present moment and live in Jesus as much as I can. Heidi, you have made huge progress from being bedridden due to guilt to managing to get through the day but it doesn\'t have to stop there. You love Josh so much, give him the gift of seeing how you work through life\'s problems finding solutions - that gift will see him cope with life when you aren\'t around. You think God doesn\'t see your problems, try Isaiah 49 v16 \"Behold I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of my hands...\" Heidi, God sees you, your pain, your guilt and every single moment of your life. In Isaiah 66 v 9 God indicates he will not allow you to suffer pain without giving you something new and beautiful to replace the pain. I so hope you will find freedom from the past, pain and guilt, I did with God\'s help and you can too and simply cos I found how to in His Word. Hugs and love xoxoxo.
Sorry my comment was so long Heidi but needed to tell you that I\'ve ordered Joyce Meyer\'s Battlefield of the Mind cos I believe its going to help me more and more with my life. Hugs.