Feeling very~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funerals always get me down when I have to do them.  Since my son died. they flash reality in my face.  They evidently trigger my depression because I am feeling pretty tough right now.  I don't understand things in the right perspective I guess.  I look at things the wrong way.  I take things as rejection and it hurts.  I was always rejected by the popular girls in school,  I was told "no" all the tine when I asked girls to go to the movies with me or to go to the sock hops.  If I went alone to the sock hops, I was always told "no" when I asked the girls to dance.  I was told "no" to go to the drive-ins, or wherever.  The only big dance date I had was to the Jr. and Sr. Prom and she became my first wife and God knows what all she did and tried to do to me.
I don't know how people handle rejection.  When I feel rejected, it hurts me still, after all these years.  Rejection is a "trigger" for me.  When this happens to me, I either back way off from the situation or, I flare up and come right straight at whomever the one is who hurt me.
In many areas here on DS, I have been rejected.  I have made friend requests, I have offered my friendship, I have tried to reach out and help people and I have been ignored and told to get the h,,, off of DS.  I have been called names, like "Jesus Freak" "a Bible Thumper", "religious fanatic",  and a "sick soul saving nut".  On the other side of the coin, because I am an ex-biker, people think I am some kind of an outlaw, an outcast and I have even been called a "troll". 
I have gave gentle and caring advice, I have shared my poems, I have counseled with many and tried to encourage them and show them they have worth.  I have shown love and concern and true genuine friendship to everyone.  If I have gone overboard with some of this is because, I have been a victim of some of the same feelings, wrongs, hurts, rejection, and low self esteem that many have here.  I rose above a terrible Biker life of drugs, alcoholism, beatings, revenge, hatred, grudges, retaliation, and things I will never mention.  And I guess it has taken me 3-1/2 years to find this out,  "Who cares"!!!!!!!  Everyone has their own realm they revolve in, everyone has their own cliques, and they do as they choose to do anyway so, why bother them with my 2 cents,  right?  Call this entry a rant, a vent, a pity party, or a sad old man's idea of ultimate failure of something he tried to do, to make life better for others.  Chet Atkins, one of the greatest Guitar players who ever lived once made this statement and I can relate to what he said.  He said "years from now, no-one may remember me or even remember my name but, they have my music and my guitars speak for me".  Years from now, many here will not remember my name either but, maybe they will remember the way I reached out to them in tender love and compassion for them and, tried to touch their hearts and lives,  even if it was but for a short moment in time.  I love you all.  Thank you.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Pee Wee........with tears in my eyes from reading this....... all I can say is you know how I feel..... you know what you mean to me. You know what I think about what you give to others..... you have gone thru so much loss..... and so much pain.... and I know that especially lately things have been so hard for you........ but don\'t you ever doubt your worth........ don\'t doubt what you give to so many......... because you are a blessing....... and I am so grateful to have you in my life........ you are a blessing to me. Love you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Good morning Oldbiker, I understand about needing to vent. I am so sorry for so much rejection I know from experience about rejection and it hurts like hell and leaves scars that are so hard to heal. I wanted you to know that I can relate to the furneral opening up memerories and feelings too. I lost my 22year old daughter four years ago on Feb 17. Triggers can be hell. Just wanted you to know I read your journel and I am sending Heartprints your way.
beachside
beachside

PeeWee
I am honored and blessed to have you as a friend. Your poems and replies to posts have touched my heart deeply. Your a very loving, giving and special person who reaches out and blesses others in so many ways.

You are dealing with so much right now, yet you still reach out with love for others. You\'re a blessing to all who cross your path.

I would be honored to chat with you; for I know it would be a blessing for me.

I keep you, your wife and family in my prayers.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD

Sweetie.. I am so sorry you have been hurt... you are such a loving soul... I know I have said this before but on here people are not lashing out at you but showing their own issues.. there are many people with disorders on here..grief.. things that can trigger anger or people that are just angry people.. please dont take it to heart so much.. I know that you do.. if someone lashes out at me I just ignor it and if it continues I ignor them.. love for you my dear friend... you have been struggling with depression a lot this last year... I think sometimes you take on toooooo much and Peewee gets ignored by you... please love him the way we do... love and a massive hug for you.. Jan