Feeling taken for granted
Wow...it's been a super long time since I have written a journal entry. So much has been going on in my life.
We went to see our original doctor who explained the whole donor process. We will be going down that road eventually but I first have to lose at least 30 pounds. In the interim, my doctor suggested I post an ad in the local college classifieds for all potential donors and offer a portion of the cost of what his donor pool are charging. My doctor also has patients that donate their extra embryos back which is also good. The problem that I am faced with is a financial one...my husband and I bought a new home in July and used most of our money for the down payment. Our house was on the market for several months and when it looked like we couldn't sell it, we ended up renting it out. We borrowed a small loan from his Mom and even then I am regretting it becuz she acts like we borrowed a million dollars from her. She even made us sign a promissary note as if we wouldn't pay her back. She is a real piece of work. She's a whole separate journal entry. Anyway, while we were looking at homes, even down to the wire, I had my doubts and wasn't sure if we were making the right decision. Should we stay where we were at and continue paying rent for two storages or take advantage of the market and buy a bigger home. I know we made the right decision but my heart is weighing very heavy right now because the feelings of being a mother continue to go strengthen. Our new home is everything we wanted and is really nice but I still yearn to be a mom. I dream about babies quite often and that emptiness never goes away. And then my husband has the balls to tell me, 'why aren't you happy? i thought you would be happy once we bought the new house?' yeah, i'm happy about the new home but geez, don't you f'ing get it??? what is it that you don't get?? we just dumped a boat load of money into a home but yet when i talk about ivf/donor eggs, we don't have the money for that. WTF?? My realtor suggested that I apply for an equity line of credit -- what do you guys think??
And then, today is my wedding anniversary -- 4 years. I took a half day from work because we had to go pay our property taxes. But before then, we were meeting my husband's best friend who was taking us out to lunch. Lunch was very nice and after we took care of the whole taxes thing, we were on our way home and I got to thinking how unhappy I really was. The day started out good but as the day went on, just got crappy. When I met him at the restaurant, he said he didn't get me flowers because he thought they would melt/wilt because it was in the upper 90's today. I have told him I don't know how many times how I enjoy getting flowers at work. Goes in one ear and out the other. He's gotten me flowers for my birthday and previous anniversaries in person but I don't know what happened with this year. And then when we got married, we decided that for my wedding band that instead of getting one with diamonds all around it that to save money, I would get a plain band and add a tiny little diamond on each anniversary. And every year, he would buy the little diamond and give it to me. Since we had spent a lot of money for the house and watching our spending, I told him that we shouldn't exchange any gifts for our anniversary. For once, he really listened to me and didn't buy a darn thing. He says he got a card but I have yet to see that either. And then when I told him that I wanted to see our wedding video, he didn't want to do that either because he would get emotional over it. I just don't get it...I really don't. I never thought I would be so miserable on my anniversary. I just feel that if I don't do the planning with anything, he won't do anything. I get tired of planning everything. Shouldn't he be doing that? What the hell? Am I asking too much? This is the second time this year that I am feeling like I don't matter. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told him 'nothing'. I told him that I wanted to spend the day at the spa with my best friend and I was gone all day. When I got home, my sister in law had made dinner for me and he had bought me some roses from the supermarket but he didn't even take me to dinner. We were vacationing in California with my family and he said that we would do something when we returned home but we never did. I always feel like I get the short end of the stick. It's not about material stuff, I know. But come on, at least make an effort. It is very hard not doing tit for tat, it really is. I just felt like when it's his bday, i'm not going to do jack shit either, see how he feels. But then I cave. He saw this jacket while we were vacationing and it was a bit pricey but I ended up getting it for him. And then I organized a bowling outing with my family on his bday. I don't see him reciprocating a whole lot. We always have bday parties for him but he's only done it for me once and that's only because I bitched about it.
We went to see our original doctor who explained the whole donor process. We will be going down that road eventually but I first have to lose at least 30 pounds. In the interim, my doctor suggested I post an ad in the local college classifieds for all potential donors and offer a portion of the cost of what his donor pool are charging. My doctor also has patients that donate their extra embryos back which is also good. The problem that I am faced with is a financial one...my husband and I bought a new home in July and used most of our money for the down payment. Our house was on the market for several months and when it looked like we couldn't sell it, we ended up renting it out. We borrowed a small loan from his Mom and even then I am regretting it becuz she acts like we borrowed a million dollars from her. She even made us sign a promissary note as if we wouldn't pay her back. She is a real piece of work. She's a whole separate journal entry. Anyway, while we were looking at homes, even down to the wire, I had my doubts and wasn't sure if we were making the right decision. Should we stay where we were at and continue paying rent for two storages or take advantage of the market and buy a bigger home. I know we made the right decision but my heart is weighing very heavy right now because the feelings of being a mother continue to go strengthen. Our new home is everything we wanted and is really nice but I still yearn to be a mom. I dream about babies quite often and that emptiness never goes away. And then my husband has the balls to tell me, 'why aren't you happy? i thought you would be happy once we bought the new house?' yeah, i'm happy about the new home but geez, don't you f'ing get it??? what is it that you don't get?? we just dumped a boat load of money into a home but yet when i talk about ivf/donor eggs, we don't have the money for that. WTF?? My realtor suggested that I apply for an equity line of credit -- what do you guys think??
And then, today is my wedding anniversary -- 4 years. I took a half day from work because we had to go pay our property taxes. But before then, we were meeting my husband's best friend who was taking us out to lunch. Lunch was very nice and after we took care of the whole taxes thing, we were on our way home and I got to thinking how unhappy I really was. The day started out good but as the day went on, just got crappy. When I met him at the restaurant, he said he didn't get me flowers because he thought they would melt/wilt because it was in the upper 90's today. I have told him I don't know how many times how I enjoy getting flowers at work. Goes in one ear and out the other. He's gotten me flowers for my birthday and previous anniversaries in person but I don't know what happened with this year. And then when we got married, we decided that for my wedding band that instead of getting one with diamonds all around it that to save money, I would get a plain band and add a tiny little diamond on each anniversary. And every year, he would buy the little diamond and give it to me. Since we had spent a lot of money for the house and watching our spending, I told him that we shouldn't exchange any gifts for our anniversary. For once, he really listened to me and didn't buy a darn thing. He says he got a card but I have yet to see that either. And then when I told him that I wanted to see our wedding video, he didn't want to do that either because he would get emotional over it. I just don't get it...I really don't. I never thought I would be so miserable on my anniversary. I just feel that if I don't do the planning with anything, he won't do anything. I get tired of planning everything. Shouldn't he be doing that? What the hell? Am I asking too much? This is the second time this year that I am feeling like I don't matter. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told him 'nothing'. I told him that I wanted to spend the day at the spa with my best friend and I was gone all day. When I got home, my sister in law had made dinner for me and he had bought me some roses from the supermarket but he didn't even take me to dinner. We were vacationing in California with my family and he said that we would do something when we returned home but we never did. I always feel like I get the short end of the stick. It's not about material stuff, I know. But come on, at least make an effort. It is very hard not doing tit for tat, it really is. I just felt like when it's his bday, i'm not going to do jack shit either, see how he feels. But then I cave. He saw this jacket while we were vacationing and it was a bit pricey but I ended up getting it for him. And then I organized a bowling outing with my family on his bday. I don't see him reciprocating a whole lot. We always have bday parties for him but he's only done it for me once and that's only because I bitched about it.
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