feeling sorry for me

today I will write in journal instead of posting until the feeling sorry for self.  do not want to be angry any more.  it is hurting me and every one I am around.  lost mom 6 mo later lost husband put life on hold for 3 yr while son was dying.  bruce told me take vacation after paul died or I would crash and burn. our spouses dies at same time.  david died and I realy crashed and burned.  the hate is the worse, I never hate and do not like to get angry and hate fighting at all. the anger is down to a small rour but way to much.  feel nothing is going to get better.  I had open heart surgy .  son and I were in same skilled nursing home he had gang green and cutting off his foot/leg 4 operationg each time telling me each day he wasn't going to live.  each day was like dying a lot each day.  I was stong for him and didn't let him see me cry would only leave room to eat and bring food back to room.  I would cry only out of room.  only left hospital every 5 or 6 days, sleep in chair when I passed out for a little while.  also didn't leave paul either david got me a room one time and I took shower and sleep in a realy nice room.  with david I woud drive 50 miles take shower and drive back to hospital set in chair until I passed out and repeat agasin in week or so.