Feeling so torn. I need advice and support
This will probably be longer than I want but I need to give some background info. DS's GF gave birth to a little girl on Dec.24 - 4 years ago. Previous to that son cut off communication for 1st time in early summer or when she knew she was pregnant. Since then, our lives have been a constant roller coaster. Life is good when we give ES whatever he needs at the time, a few weeks or months will go by and then he gets upset over some thing and we are totally cut off. This is the first time (2 months ago) that things have gotten this ugly. We were always given access to GC but this time he even took that away from us. My DH is so tired of picking up the pieces of my shattered heart each time. Christmas Eve was beautiful with the miracle, celebration and gift of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Of course our focus, as always, is on Him. When we got home, there were 2 gifts on our breezeway steps from ES and GC. This present estrangement has been exceptionally painful since he told me what he thinks of us and never wants anything to do with us. Because of this attitude and deciding we've had enough of this on again off again merry go round, we didn't expect any kind of Christmas contact. My DH is especially upset by the way he did it knowing we would be at church so no reconciliation. They just didn't buy anything for any of them although we usually give each of the 6 children a few very nice gifts. Oldest GD who has a foul mouth and attitude contacted me via FB wanting to know if they could come over (this was Christmas day) at that moment. I told her that I wasn't prepared and perhaps we could get together later in the week as we usually do. She said then it would have to suit their schedules. DH refuses to keep all of this nonsense going since it's just about what they can get from us. I, on the other hand, am so desperate to see GC that I would go out and buy gifts. He has told me that we are not going to do that because it will only bring further hurt within a couple of weeks. I certainly don't want all of this to come between us and I know in my brain that he is totally right. But my heart wants to do whatever is necessary to see them. Please give me some advice and guidance. The only time they want contact is when they want something from us. thank youo
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You raised your son with Christian values. You have to believe you did the best you could, and probably would never have changed anything. His girlfriend sounds like she controls him now, its jealousy. Your son deep down probably does not want it this way. Just goes along with her to keep peace. Some people just live off of drama. I know you hurt. I hurt for my four year old grand daughter. I did not raise my daughter to be like this. Her personality was always a little difficult and she mirrored the people she was around at times. My son in law is just flat evil. I hate saying that, and boy I have prayed and prayed. He knows how I feel about my daughter and granddaughter, it is jealousy and he cant control him self. I find myself now, saying I am going to have to quit trying because it hurts my granddaughter. I realize he is just and angry person and hates himself and doesn\'t want anyone to be happy. Everytime I try to see my granddaughter he says it is rude of me, because we are not welcomed. They have always lived in another state. Everytime we make plans to go I have to get permission from my daughter and then it gets cancelled, because they change their minds. We have lost thousand of dollars to no refund airlines. We know better now. I drove down a few weeks ago to deliver gifts to my granddaughter and daughter because he said anything delivered he would throw out. Turned into a nightmare and we left crying again. We have done nothing but want to visit and make sure everything is ok. I have had my phone blocked, facebook blocked, and threatened with a restraining order. For absolutely nothing, but a controlling manipulative person. My heart breaks, but what can I do. I am going to quit trying to reach out for a while. You probably should too. I think they know that I care too much and will always be here, so they don\'t mind hurting me. Sounds like you too, your son knows he can always count on you to be there, even though he treats you with no respect. I realize I probably will not have a relationship with my granddaughter till she is grown. I know they will try to poison her about us. I trust God will turn it all around for the good. I have to hold on to that. I am here anytime you need to talk.
Dear missing. I can totally understand your desire to do anything to see your gc\'s. Your hubby is right too, but i have often told mine that he does not feel toward our kids as i do. I carried them inside me for 9 months, then nursed them, cared for them in every way even through 12 years of homeschooling. It is baffling how of estranged kids can tell us how much they despise us then leave a gift as though nothing is wrong. I would tell your granddaughter to take the issue up with her father since the last time he spoke to you, he wanted nothing to do with you. If she is old enough to be foul mouthed, she must be old enough to understand what is going on. If you do meet and want to give them something, I would just give each a gift card with a set amount of money on it so each can get their own gift. It shows you care, but takes away the strain of deciding who gets what, especially since it is such short notice. That way too, they could not say you didn\'t give them anything. If it were me, I would not meet in my own home. I see my home as a refuge and sanctuary. I choose not to allow people into it who are my enemies since they bring with them what seems to be a \"presence\" that lingers long after they leave. I have enough bad memories and i don\'t want my home to remind me of more. I would meet in a neutral place like a park, ice cream shop or restaurant. If you have them in your home, I would invite a close friend who supports you to be present. You don\'t need to advise you son of this since it is your home. It is a way for you to shield yourself from abuse. Most people will not say horrid things in public places or when a third party is present. You would also have witnesses things get ugly. I can only give this \"advice\" in theory since i have never had to deal with what you are dealing with. Try to make it clear that you did not expect to hear from your son because of a decision HE made, not you. Don\'t let him, your dil or gc\'s try to blame you. You will be outnumbered which is another reason to have a friend present, for backup. I hope you come to a conclusion that will be do-able for you. God bless you my friend.