Feeling so lost
I guess I just need to vent. Today has been hard, as a matter of fact all of 2014 was hard. It was the hardest year of my life. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for a few years with no luck. It was finally time to see a doctor. During my first appointment she said, "Don't worry, we will get you pregnant." Two months later after determining that my tubes are blocked she called me to explain there was nothing else she could do for me and that I needed to go to an IVF specialist. I was so mad and hurt that she told me this over the phone. She didn't even give me the chance to schedule my follow up appointment.
Dealing with the diagnosis of infertility has changed me and not for the better. I used to be the happiest, most carefree person. Nothing could get me down. I felt invincible, like a could do anything. Its amazing how my outlook and attitude has changed so much in the last year of dealing with infertility. All of a sudden I was lost and scared. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. I turned into an emotional wreck. I still am an emotional wreck. I find myself crying all the time. I just don't know how to pick myself up.
I always thought I would be a mother. My husband and I decided I would be a stay at home mom when the time came and I became pregnant. I put my career on hold while trying to conceive. Two years of trying and every month thinking and praying this would be the month it would happen. Then the diagnoses came and I realizing it will not happen. I guess the hardest part is feeling like I failed. I feel like I failed my husband. I feel like I failed at being a career women. I feel like a failed my parents because I know they want grandchildren that I am unable to give them. I feel like a failed as mother because I may never know that joy of having my own.
Sorry for the negativity. Today has just been a really hard day. I normally try very hard to mask my emotions to the outside world. I always try to appear happy and carefree on the outside all though I'm always crying on the inside. I do not like others to know how much I have let this destroy me. I tell myself if everyone else thinks I'm happy hopefully soon I will be happy again.
I met a girlfriend for lunch today. I let her insensitivity ruin my day and i'm even more mad at myself for letting her get to me. She asked me how everything was going. As always I sugar coated it and put on the fake smile. She then had the nerve to tell me she understands EXACTLY how am feeling when it comes to infertility. She is unmarried and currently pregnant with her second child. She dealt with PCOS for 4 month before she became pregnant with her first child. I just don't understand how she could compare 4 month of PCOS with my 4 years of trying to get pregnant. Does she really think she even has a clue how I feel? She actually said, " I know exactly how you feel and what your going through." She doesn't have a clue. She has a beautiful child and another one on the way.
2014 was the worst year of my life. I'm hoping and praying that 2015 is a lot better. I hope I can find myself again; my smile, my attitude, my carefreeness, my ability to hope and dream again and everything else I lost last year. I'm trying everyday to became the person I was. I know I will eventually find myself again. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later because I don't know if I can handle another year like last year.
It is a new year after all and I am ready to conquer 2015 and forget 2014 ever happened.
Dealing with the diagnosis of infertility has changed me and not for the better. I used to be the happiest, most carefree person. Nothing could get me down. I felt invincible, like a could do anything. Its amazing how my outlook and attitude has changed so much in the last year of dealing with infertility. All of a sudden I was lost and scared. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. I turned into an emotional wreck. I still am an emotional wreck. I find myself crying all the time. I just don't know how to pick myself up.
I always thought I would be a mother. My husband and I decided I would be a stay at home mom when the time came and I became pregnant. I put my career on hold while trying to conceive. Two years of trying and every month thinking and praying this would be the month it would happen. Then the diagnoses came and I realizing it will not happen. I guess the hardest part is feeling like I failed. I feel like I failed my husband. I feel like I failed at being a career women. I feel like a failed my parents because I know they want grandchildren that I am unable to give them. I feel like a failed as mother because I may never know that joy of having my own.
Sorry for the negativity. Today has just been a really hard day. I normally try very hard to mask my emotions to the outside world. I always try to appear happy and carefree on the outside all though I'm always crying on the inside. I do not like others to know how much I have let this destroy me. I tell myself if everyone else thinks I'm happy hopefully soon I will be happy again.
I met a girlfriend for lunch today. I let her insensitivity ruin my day and i'm even more mad at myself for letting her get to me. She asked me how everything was going. As always I sugar coated it and put on the fake smile. She then had the nerve to tell me she understands EXACTLY how am feeling when it comes to infertility. She is unmarried and currently pregnant with her second child. She dealt with PCOS for 4 month before she became pregnant with her first child. I just don't understand how she could compare 4 month of PCOS with my 4 years of trying to get pregnant. Does she really think she even has a clue how I feel? She actually said, " I know exactly how you feel and what your going through." She doesn't have a clue. She has a beautiful child and another one on the way.
2014 was the worst year of my life. I'm hoping and praying that 2015 is a lot better. I hope I can find myself again; my smile, my attitude, my carefreeness, my ability to hope and dream again and everything else I lost last year. I'm trying everyday to became the person I was. I know I will eventually find myself again. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later because I don't know if I can handle another year like last year.
It is a new year after all and I am ready to conquer 2015 and forget 2014 ever happened.
Replies
I do truly understand how you feel! I\'ve been through all of it. You can read my very similar story in my journal. Let me know if you ever need anything.
One of my friends also told me that they understood because it took her a few months to conceive her son (who is now 7), and that she was so convinced that she was not pregnant that she drank a 6 pack. Then a few years ago she told me that she wanted to tell me that she understood what I was going through with my ectopic and the surgery because she had accidentally gotten pregnant and didn\'t want it, so she drank and took terrible care of herself and lost it. I couldn\'t friggin believe it! Here I had been ttc for over 2 years at that point, and lost my pregnancy in a horrific way, and she is telling me that she understood because she purposely lost hers, OMG!
I wish you the best this year in your journey! Keep me posted on what you decide moving forward. I am here for you.