Feeling so down and alone

Today I am really struggling to cope somehow. partly because I started my period today and it just brings back the most painful memories of when I bled. after I bled I still had symptons and my belly grew as normal, only found out at 12 weeks scan so it prolonged the heartache. my belly still not gone in fact it is getting more swelled up!  I am trying to have fun for my little boy's sake but I just feel like i cant engage. All I want is my baby back, would have been 14 weeks now, It just seems so unfair. life is so cruel, god is cruel for giving me babies I cant keep. I would have much rather he never ever botherd. We tried to concieve for months and months and it will more than likely take just as long. to make things worse the sonographer said my uterus looks very thin? dont know if she meant too thin for pregnancy or too thin to concieve. I am 33 so I know that maybe time has run out for me now. I need to find a way out of this depression but it hurts so much. it brings back bad painful memories, one of them is the miscarriage I had at 17 weeks, I am in so much pain, the missed miscarriage at eight weeks also, five years ago.  that pains me still now . the only light is my son but i dont seem to be able to engage in happiness right now. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and not bother. why does this happen and why cant i just have one more baby, just one then I am done. life is cruel !