Feeling sad, and glad, and sad
So much going on right now. I am under stress, due to leaving my husband on Feb 13 and then moving in with my mom, to another state no less, who got a rent to own house for all of us to stay in. Nothing but moving for the past two days. Wow.
I have not told my husband yet that my mom has moved from where she was. I will eventually, as I do not feel it is right to deprive a parent completely, unless there is real danger. But see at this point I do not want him coming and taking them back. He may try to get me for kidnapping, since I took them out of state without his permission, but then again, I cannot be sure he would not have done something to me had I told him what I was up to.
I prayed all the time about it, but I got tired of the abuse and had to go. I hated to make the kids feel so badly about being uprooted from the normalcy of their lives, but then again, staying was hurting me, and in the long run hurting them too. Of course, they don't understand. They may have heard the arguments and witnessed the violence, but they ask about their father a lot, whether he will be joining us soon.
I admit I have been telling the kids only the parts that sound logical to them, like how I needed more help from my family at this time, which is true. I did not tell them about the numerous affairs, the neglect, the intimidation, the controlling issues, the emotional/mental anguish. It's just too much. I was having a hard time dealing with understanding him and trying to love him, and trying to take care of myself almost on my own, with not much assistance or involvement from him, if any.
I felt so alone. I was trying to hold on to a marriage all by myself, and when I got sick, I realized just how much he was taking from me, and how much I was giving of myself. The emotional abuse and distance became obvious and blatant. In front of the kids and people outside the home he was the perfect loving husband and father. Alone with me, he showed his hate. I was just an inconvenience and not worth anything of value, and he made sure I knew it.
So I made my choice, not even sure it was right, but legal services advised me to leave when he was not there, and then get myself some help. That is what I am doing. But I feel badly anyway, because it was a pretty good setup we had, I mean we were blessed. But what could have been good was harmful to me and my health, and I had to do something.
I prayed of course, and I am still praying. I believe my Father has forgiven me for breaking up the family. I have not asked for forgiveness for not telling my children what was really going on, and I am not even sure they would believe me. My husband had started acting more like a father in the last year, probably because of my not being able to do as much anymore. The kids love him more for it, and I appreciated it. But in the meantime his treatment of me got worse.
I think he felt that I wouldn't be able to defend myself or go anywhere since I was so ill and also dependent on him. But he forgot that I was a fighter when he met me, and nothing has changed.
So I feel bad for so many things right now, but I also feel like I am doing myself and my kids a favor by being away from him. I want to teach my kids that you do not allow someone to treat you shabbily.
So at some point I will tell them that their father and I needed to be apart, but that we both love them very much and always will no matter what.
I just wish I could see clearly what the future will bring. I have my babies to take care of. I have no job and don't know when I will, I feel bad health-wise, and the gabapentin really isn't doing much. I upped the dose to two in the morn, two at night, and one in between, starting today. One more time on next Saturday, and I will be at two capsules, three times a day.
I hope I begin to see some relief from it. In the meantime I see a doc on Tuesday, the one who initially dx'd me with FMS in July 2012. Hopefully he can get me to good docs to help me.
My concern right now is mostly for my kids. I pray my husband just gives me the time and space I need to feel better, in all ways.
I have not told my husband yet that my mom has moved from where she was. I will eventually, as I do not feel it is right to deprive a parent completely, unless there is real danger. But see at this point I do not want him coming and taking them back. He may try to get me for kidnapping, since I took them out of state without his permission, but then again, I cannot be sure he would not have done something to me had I told him what I was up to.
I prayed all the time about it, but I got tired of the abuse and had to go. I hated to make the kids feel so badly about being uprooted from the normalcy of their lives, but then again, staying was hurting me, and in the long run hurting them too. Of course, they don't understand. They may have heard the arguments and witnessed the violence, but they ask about their father a lot, whether he will be joining us soon.
I admit I have been telling the kids only the parts that sound logical to them, like how I needed more help from my family at this time, which is true. I did not tell them about the numerous affairs, the neglect, the intimidation, the controlling issues, the emotional/mental anguish. It's just too much. I was having a hard time dealing with understanding him and trying to love him, and trying to take care of myself almost on my own, with not much assistance or involvement from him, if any.
I felt so alone. I was trying to hold on to a marriage all by myself, and when I got sick, I realized just how much he was taking from me, and how much I was giving of myself. The emotional abuse and distance became obvious and blatant. In front of the kids and people outside the home he was the perfect loving husband and father. Alone with me, he showed his hate. I was just an inconvenience and not worth anything of value, and he made sure I knew it.
So I made my choice, not even sure it was right, but legal services advised me to leave when he was not there, and then get myself some help. That is what I am doing. But I feel badly anyway, because it was a pretty good setup we had, I mean we were blessed. But what could have been good was harmful to me and my health, and I had to do something.
I prayed of course, and I am still praying. I believe my Father has forgiven me for breaking up the family. I have not asked for forgiveness for not telling my children what was really going on, and I am not even sure they would believe me. My husband had started acting more like a father in the last year, probably because of my not being able to do as much anymore. The kids love him more for it, and I appreciated it. But in the meantime his treatment of me got worse.
I think he felt that I wouldn't be able to defend myself or go anywhere since I was so ill and also dependent on him. But he forgot that I was a fighter when he met me, and nothing has changed.
So I feel bad for so many things right now, but I also feel like I am doing myself and my kids a favor by being away from him. I want to teach my kids that you do not allow someone to treat you shabbily.
So at some point I will tell them that their father and I needed to be apart, but that we both love them very much and always will no matter what.
I just wish I could see clearly what the future will bring. I have my babies to take care of. I have no job and don't know when I will, I feel bad health-wise, and the gabapentin really isn't doing much. I upped the dose to two in the morn, two at night, and one in between, starting today. One more time on next Saturday, and I will be at two capsules, three times a day.
I hope I begin to see some relief from it. In the meantime I see a doc on Tuesday, the one who initially dx'd me with FMS in July 2012. Hopefully he can get me to good docs to help me.
My concern right now is mostly for my kids. I pray my husband just gives me the time and space I need to feel better, in all ways.
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