Feeling really bad last night.

Last night I watched "Home Alone 2-lost in New York", and when the movie ended I burst into tears.  Not the average response to that movie.  The stress of looking for a job made me think back upon some of the bad things that have happened during my "brilliant career", and some of the times that my depression or anxiety have cause me to behave in a manner not quite "normal". You see, I spent years trying to act "normal" so that I could hold down a job, raise kids, etc. when in truth I felt horrible inside. One thing that counseling has helped me to learn was how to compartmentalize, to an extent, but sometimes the trauma has been too great to pull it off. I made the mistake of tryng to reach out to people I've worked with before in hopes of finding some of them. When the bank outsourced our division, my co-workers scattered to the winds. I've found it hard to get a reference because I don't know where most of those people are now. I found a few of them on Linked in, and asked 6 people for a recommendation and there are only 4 pending requests for recommendation, which means that 2 people declined to recommend me. This brought it all back - years of trying my darndest to persevere through tough times at work because of my depression/anxiety, which had grown to the level where I actually made a critical error.  I sufferred for more than 2 years because of that error, and alot of people knew about it. It's the kind of thing that sticks in the memory. The error that I made, however, was not what was spread about - the error that I made was not defending myself and taking the fall for the person truely responsible for the actual situation. She had been a friend of mine, and she hung me out to dry for the error, yet preserved my job by defending me (to an extent).  While I sufferred for years for it, she went on to get high ratings and a promotion, partly for hanging me out to dry. I, on the other hand, got a low rating (which stayed on my record for 3 years), a demotion, and my pay increases were decreased for years. Only by working hard and being steady did I survive until the division was outsourced. But afterwards, when I was out of work, I found it extremely difficult to look for another job, because I was so afraid of going through something like that again. My job hunt was weak, at best, and I didn't really start looking for a job at all until the severance had ended. By that time, I had spent nearly a year isolated in my house, so depressed at times that all I could manage was to crawl out of bed and onto the couch for a nap. When I finally did find a good job, I learned it well, did it well, but had, in the back of my mind, this trememdous fear that it was going to happen again. And an overwhelming desire to get away from that lifestyle (you know, the get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, and repeat until dead lifestyle).  That anxiety/panic was so overwhelming, that I sold my house, quit my job, and moved to Maine, presumably to start a new life. I've been here 3 years and still don't feel that I actually have started a new life. And every so often the old one rears its head at me. So, last night I was uncontrollably depressed. I'm feeling better this morning, but I really need to discuss this incident with the new therapist to see if he can help me to deal with it and move on. I forgave R for her part in the incident, but hold a real dislike for D for her part, and I need to let go of that if I am going to recover from it.