Feeling pretty good
It's been a while since I've spent much time on this site. I check in on people's journal entries but that's about it. I look at the main posts and pick and choose if there is something there for me. I used to look for the big H-E-L-P, but have been feeling better so don't feel like I need it as much.
Interesting, isn't it? That what I needed perhaps more than anything was a listening ear, a sense of belonging, a little bit of somethin'-somethin' to get me through another day.
When we feel better we are DOING. I have been trying to DO. I have been trying to re-frame my thoughts, shift my consciousness, surrender, let go of my resistance.
I found some pretty major relief with some new insights. A lot of it I read about in the past, but this time it actually sunk in to a deeper level. I can't explain why there has been a change in my ability to feel, but something - and by something I mean a power beyond my consciousness, has made more of a perceivable presence.
I think there was a lot for me to learn about these past eleven and a half years. I'm not done learning by any means. But I'm trying to be more conscious of what this illness is been all about - trying to feel healthy, think healthy, live healthy.
I collect my stack of books from the library. I research. Always a feeling of urgency to know more. I talked to my brother over Memorial Day weekend and he said something helpful when I told him I felt like I needed to do something but I don't know what it is.
I've always felt restless. Always felt like no matter where I was there was some place else I needed to be. So, this isn't entirely a new feeling. Furthermore, I wonder why anyone could tell me what it is I am to do.
For, as my brother said, "You will always be one step ahead when it comes to knowing about yourself." Good point.
Still a feeling of urgency and unaware of the direction to take. I've always been spiritual. I've read about shamanism, spirit guides, etc. I'm curious as to how to find the path that is specifically for me. My curiosity, creativity, intelligence, humor, and insight are causing more and more pressure inside of me.
I have had many experiences of feeling like I am going to burst. I can't figure out where the path is for me to start a new journey. I feel like I've been filling my back pack with information, experience, compassion, and grace. I'm shifting my thoughts from fear to hope.
So many years of praying to make a difference. And, I have to look at the INCREMENTAL steps of making a difference in ONE here and ONE there. The lesson of patience returns again and again. I feel like I have to keep preparing for a journey that has yet to reveal itself.
carry on,
katy
Interesting, isn't it? That what I needed perhaps more than anything was a listening ear, a sense of belonging, a little bit of somethin'-somethin' to get me through another day.
When we feel better we are DOING. I have been trying to DO. I have been trying to re-frame my thoughts, shift my consciousness, surrender, let go of my resistance.
I found some pretty major relief with some new insights. A lot of it I read about in the past, but this time it actually sunk in to a deeper level. I can't explain why there has been a change in my ability to feel, but something - and by something I mean a power beyond my consciousness, has made more of a perceivable presence.
I think there was a lot for me to learn about these past eleven and a half years. I'm not done learning by any means. But I'm trying to be more conscious of what this illness is been all about - trying to feel healthy, think healthy, live healthy.
I collect my stack of books from the library. I research. Always a feeling of urgency to know more. I talked to my brother over Memorial Day weekend and he said something helpful when I told him I felt like I needed to do something but I don't know what it is.
I've always felt restless. Always felt like no matter where I was there was some place else I needed to be. So, this isn't entirely a new feeling. Furthermore, I wonder why anyone could tell me what it is I am to do.
For, as my brother said, "You will always be one step ahead when it comes to knowing about yourself." Good point.
Still a feeling of urgency and unaware of the direction to take. I've always been spiritual. I've read about shamanism, spirit guides, etc. I'm curious as to how to find the path that is specifically for me. My curiosity, creativity, intelligence, humor, and insight are causing more and more pressure inside of me.
I have had many experiences of feeling like I am going to burst. I can't figure out where the path is for me to start a new journey. I feel like I've been filling my back pack with information, experience, compassion, and grace. I'm shifting my thoughts from fear to hope.
So many years of praying to make a difference. And, I have to look at the INCREMENTAL steps of making a difference in ONE here and ONE there. The lesson of patience returns again and again. I feel like I have to keep preparing for a journey that has yet to reveal itself.
carry on,
katy
Replies
Hi Katy
I am so glad that you are feeling in a better place, so that you don\'t need this place so much. I can really understand that and I also identify with the feelings and interests you describe regarding your path in life, spirituality etc.
I think that remding yourself of what the illness is teaching you etc., is like grounding yourself again... it\'s so easy with these chronic/tough health issues to become so lost in your own whirlwind of pain, vulnerability, stress, confusion and so on that you no longer recongise what your life is about. Even in the sickness we can find meaning. I watched a programme a week or so ago about people (mainly children) in Africa who have contracted Noma disease and half their faces have literally been eaten away by a bacteria (usually they contract this due to malnourishment). The programme really touched me in a way that little has touched me for a long time. I realised how fortunate I am, even though I am sicker than I have ever been before, and how I can always find a different (better) perspective on life if I choose to.
A good book, not deep, but very uplifting and can be dipped into is http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Moments-Stressful-Days-Meaning/dp/1580174280 - my sister gave it to me a few years ago and I really treasure it.
Vicky
Katy,
I\'m reading a book right now called \"Walking with God\" by James Keeley. He\'s on the faculty at The University of Spiritual Healing and Sufism in CA. What you write above, about a journey, reminds me of something I just read that was helpful to me in a chapter entitled \'Issues with God\' (which I\'ve been having recently). Thank you, I feel like God may be speaking to me again through your writing and what I read from the book, which I\'ll share here:
\"We also get upset with God when we turn to the Divine in times of need and it doesn\'t work...there are two fundamental beliefs required for spiritual healing. First, Divine support is available in every situation. Second, because we don\'t know what we are growing into, we don\'t know what experiences we need to go through in order to become it. When we turn to God to get us out of our problems we turn our connection into a strategy of resistance. It is easy to take issue with God, but it is not always so easy to face what we do not like in life and acknowledge that what we believe about these events needs guidance and support.\"
I thought several months ago I might be teaching language arts this Fall, but God may be thinking something else. I am definitely reading things right now I might not otherwise have read.
More to say, but running out of brain juice...
Peace,
Brent
I may have to contact a lawyer about this, it looks like you\'ve been plagiarizing my ME story...lol.
Seriously, though, you are walking along the same paths I traveled...searching for meaning...all the rest of it.
You find the inner strength you did not know you had...and those new insights you find are like little packets of trail mix on the journey...somehow they rejuvenate us and keep us going.
None of it\'s easy, though. In the end, being sick all the time doesn\'t make any sense. It just is. We do the best we can with it.
hi Katy..I have kept this email of this entry as new in my inbox because I had wanted to reread it when I was more alert and could reply.
I will probably have to reread it a few times but I totally understand the meaning behind it.
will reply again soon!
I have felt less of a need to be here at DailyStrength too.
I\'m an old hand at this CFS stuff.
Ever since I got issues with my in-laws worked out, I just don\'t feel the need to have to come here as often. And also worked out some things regarding my parents.
I have unloaded a lot of emotional baggage here.
Hugs and Mojo to you,
Weebs