Feeling okay
Have not been keeping track of days, but according to my last journal entry I've been GF since May 4th. I've not banned myself yet, but its GOING to happen. I've just been so busy with family, graduations, Mother's Day etc and am now in the middle of 16 straight days of work.
My Mom lives with me part time (and will be living with me for the entire Summer). She continues to gamble and continues to feel the need to tell me every minute detail about it when she returns. I try to stay mindful of my triggers, knowing my Mom is one of the biggest for me. I don't really care when she tells me her gambling stories. She can be very bossy and demeaning sometimes and its when I feel that stress, I just want to escape.
I realize when I get some distance between me and the casino that it really is not about money at all. Its about escaping to that warm, comfy, cozy, no thinking environment......except its none of those things in reality. No thinking at the casino as I shove my money as fast as I can into machines, quickly leads me back in the kind of thinking I DESPISE. Self loathing, regret, guilt, panic, intense sadness, mental anguish and mostly always is that added bonus of true physical illness from too much drinking, sleep deprivation and not eating.
I have no savings, no money in my checking account and about $8k in credit card debt. Its 0% interest until the end of the year. If I work hard and don't gamble, I should be able to pay it back before any interest charges kick in. That's the goal at least.
Mostly right now, I just want to feel 'OK'.............and i do.
DarlingD
My Mom lives with me part time (and will be living with me for the entire Summer). She continues to gamble and continues to feel the need to tell me every minute detail about it when she returns. I try to stay mindful of my triggers, knowing my Mom is one of the biggest for me. I don't really care when she tells me her gambling stories. She can be very bossy and demeaning sometimes and its when I feel that stress, I just want to escape.
I realize when I get some distance between me and the casino that it really is not about money at all. Its about escaping to that warm, comfy, cozy, no thinking environment......except its none of those things in reality. No thinking at the casino as I shove my money as fast as I can into machines, quickly leads me back in the kind of thinking I DESPISE. Self loathing, regret, guilt, panic, intense sadness, mental anguish and mostly always is that added bonus of true physical illness from too much drinking, sleep deprivation and not eating.
I have no savings, no money in my checking account and about $8k in credit card debt. Its 0% interest until the end of the year. If I work hard and don't gamble, I should be able to pay it back before any interest charges kick in. That's the goal at least.
Mostly right now, I just want to feel 'OK'.............and i do.
DarlingD
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