Feeling much Regret
Before I became pregnant i didn't think I was ready for a child. I would look at all my friends with children and think to myself "I don't know if Ill ever be ready to be a mom." I just recently got married in Oct. 2011 and although my husband and I were not planning to become pregnant, we were not preventing either. When I took my first pregnancy test I was in shock, still having thoughts of not "ready" to be a mom. My husband was so excited but my initial reaction was shock. The next day (which was to too soon to spread the news) we told our family and within the next week I became very excited. I also told my co-workers, I was just so excited and because I work around radiation, I had to tell them. I started feeling as though I was showing to soon, and someone mentioned to me about a fibroma and I began to panic. I contacted my doctor immediately and I had an appointment before the 8-10weeks that my doctor likes to see patients for their first visit. She explained to my husband and that there was definitely a pregnancy but it was too early to determine if it was a healthy pregnancy or not and too soon to hear a heartbeat. The next week I began to spot lightly, we contacted an on call doctor to see if we should go to the emergency room or not. He told me to take it easy and keep off my feet the next day, so I did. The next day after my day off, I began to bleed heavier and left work early to go to the emergency room. I prayed and prayed the whole way there and my husband and I prayed together and read the bible while awaiting our results. That day at the emergency room they said there was still a pregnancy and that it looked normal, I was relieved. The nurse told me, it was up to me if I wanted to go back to work the next day or not. I went. While at work the next day, we had a staff meeting and during this staff meeting my boss and another co-worker announced they were pregnant as well. Almost half way through my day, my doctor called and told me I shouldve stayed home that day from work and also the next day. So I took the next two days off work. That next day I spent the entire day in bed and reading God's word and praying for protections over my baby. My bleeding subsided for a few hours then became heavier. That night I began to have extreme cramping and pain in my lower back. I knew this wasn't not a good sign. My mom and husband though I was just panicking and told just to try and good to sleep. I slept for a few hours and was awakened in the middle of the night by a massive amount of blood and cramping. I immediately went to the E.R. and they gave me the bad news, I lost my baby. This was the worse day of my life. I never even considered a miscarriage, I didnt realize how common they were until joining this site. Tomorrow will be a month since the loss of my baby, and every since then I have been feeling so many different emotions. I feel so much regret, maybe I shouldn't have been working once I start spotting, maybe I had too much caffeine, maybe my husband and I shouldnt have had sex while pregnant, maybe I shouldve ate better, or maybe I shouldve felt more excitement when I first found out I was expecting. I blame myself. I feel so much regret about feeling like I wasnt ready to be a mom initially, now I want to be mom more than ever and my baby is gone!!