Feeling low today.....
I think I'm getting sick, or maybe I'm just REALLY exhausted because I am REALLY exhausted all week; nothing I eat is actually staying in my body, and I am covered in bruises that I have NO idea where they've come from. Now, I know he has been physically abusive in the past, but I think I would know if he were beating me in my sleep, and I have bruises and knots on my ribs, the back of my leg, my arm, and my collar bone. Where the hell did they come from? One possibility that actually has me pretty scared is that I may have started sleep walking again. I'm hoping that somebody in my house would realize if I were doing things in my sleep again, because I honestly don't want to end up breaking my neck falling down the stairs or set the house on fire in my sleep!
Anyway, it is a therapy day and for some reason, these days give me heart palpitations. I do like the therapist, I do feel better after seeing her, but for some reason these mornings I wake up with knots in my stomach and feeling like I'm going to throw up all day. I think part of me is concerned that he will find out I (and as of today, the girls) am going to therapy--although he likes to tell me in his fits of rage that I need to get help for my "issues", I know that he doesn't really want me talking to someone about what goes on in our house. Every piece of light that streams in only helps to dissipate a little more of his darkness, or some such shit. Yea, I'm feeling icky today.
I've been busily reading the book "Splitting" about separating from a person with a PD, and preparing for the battles that are likely to ensue. One thing keeps haunting me. The authors talk about taking only your half of the "family money", and ensuring that you have enough to possibly pay tens of thousands of dollars for counsel because these people can be demons when it comes to divorce. First of all, there is NO way in hell I would ever be able to come up with even a thousand dollars for legal fees, let alone 50 or more! And second of all--FAMILY MONEY!?!?--what the hell is that! I've had to come to the painful realization that this situation is even more f***ed up than I thought. There is NO such thing as family money in our relationship. There is only my money and his money. And while my money is busily paying for the basics of living, his money is his money that he has worked hard for. And he claims that due to my irresponsibility with money, he could never let me have unbridled access to that money. Oh, he wants me to have my paycheck direct deposited into his account, so he can make sure the bills get paid, but nope I don't get direct access to anything. And I've been battling him for months over the direct deposit thing. I have stood my ground on that, but each time a fight comes up about money, here we go again. THIS is why he won't take more responsibility for household bills, because he can't trust me to give him my money to go towards it. What a crock of shit.
Oh, and when I bring up the fact that I am going to need to get a part time job to be able to take care of my teeth and the other issues that I need to take care of, I am just being selfish. That will only benefit ME, not the family so I am not being fair. However, he will not contribute any more, again because that is only benefitting ME not the family, and how is it fair that he should have to pay for my mistakes and problems?! And again I say, what a crock of shit!!!
It is painful to realize how much you have been fooled--or let yourself be played for a fool. Because even as these situations were occurring, I knew there was something wrong with the picture, but I didn't allow myself to dwell on it too much. I knew it was easier to give in than to openly defy him because the repercussions were worse than abscessed teeth, infections, illness, and going without to ensure that my kids had the things they needed, oh yeah and the debts that "I" (read WE) incurred in an effort to maintain. I am so damn tired and so frustrated that I really DO look like the foolish, flaky, irresponsible one in this relationship, while he gets to come away looking like the smart one, the responsible one, the "poor guy" who had to put up with it all these years--for his kids' sake I'm sure.
Anyway, it is a therapy day and for some reason, these days give me heart palpitations. I do like the therapist, I do feel better after seeing her, but for some reason these mornings I wake up with knots in my stomach and feeling like I'm going to throw up all day. I think part of me is concerned that he will find out I (and as of today, the girls) am going to therapy--although he likes to tell me in his fits of rage that I need to get help for my "issues", I know that he doesn't really want me talking to someone about what goes on in our house. Every piece of light that streams in only helps to dissipate a little more of his darkness, or some such shit. Yea, I'm feeling icky today.
I've been busily reading the book "Splitting" about separating from a person with a PD, and preparing for the battles that are likely to ensue. One thing keeps haunting me. The authors talk about taking only your half of the "family money", and ensuring that you have enough to possibly pay tens of thousands of dollars for counsel because these people can be demons when it comes to divorce. First of all, there is NO way in hell I would ever be able to come up with even a thousand dollars for legal fees, let alone 50 or more! And second of all--FAMILY MONEY!?!?--what the hell is that! I've had to come to the painful realization that this situation is even more f***ed up than I thought. There is NO such thing as family money in our relationship. There is only my money and his money. And while my money is busily paying for the basics of living, his money is his money that he has worked hard for. And he claims that due to my irresponsibility with money, he could never let me have unbridled access to that money. Oh, he wants me to have my paycheck direct deposited into his account, so he can make sure the bills get paid, but nope I don't get direct access to anything. And I've been battling him for months over the direct deposit thing. I have stood my ground on that, but each time a fight comes up about money, here we go again. THIS is why he won't take more responsibility for household bills, because he can't trust me to give him my money to go towards it. What a crock of shit.
Oh, and when I bring up the fact that I am going to need to get a part time job to be able to take care of my teeth and the other issues that I need to take care of, I am just being selfish. That will only benefit ME, not the family so I am not being fair. However, he will not contribute any more, again because that is only benefitting ME not the family, and how is it fair that he should have to pay for my mistakes and problems?! And again I say, what a crock of shit!!!
It is painful to realize how much you have been fooled--or let yourself be played for a fool. Because even as these situations were occurring, I knew there was something wrong with the picture, but I didn't allow myself to dwell on it too much. I knew it was easier to give in than to openly defy him because the repercussions were worse than abscessed teeth, infections, illness, and going without to ensure that my kids had the things they needed, oh yeah and the debts that "I" (read WE) incurred in an effort to maintain. I am so damn tired and so frustrated that I really DO look like the foolish, flaky, irresponsible one in this relationship, while he gets to come away looking like the smart one, the responsible one, the "poor guy" who had to put up with it all these years--for his kids' sake I'm sure.
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My 2 cents..... From what I\'ve read, he is nothing but a sperm donor.... not a real \"father\" in any sense of the word. Any court in the world (I would expect) would see that you going without, with all the health issues and you solely providing for your children (aside from the $600 that he sometimes decides to cough up) would rule in your favor... I would think that you would be awarded a huge amount of child support due to the recording that you have of him openly admitting that his employer will help him \"hide\" his actual compensation, and lie for his sake. Hang in there.... don\'t let him defeat your spirit, defeat your goal to get on with your life without him. Hugs!