feeling lost and hopeless

I am feeling extremely depressed and sad right now, and I don't know where else to turn besides my journal. For the first time ever I think I am upset and it has nothing to do with gambling. The gambling is actually going really well, or I should say the not gambling. I haven't gambled in about 37 days I think now and I haven't really even been thinking about it. 
There has been so many other things keeping me busy and I've been happy and productive. I've started to coach an ultimate team, teaching, working part time, and plenty of gardening and work to do around the house. Things were also going really well with my wife, we seemed to be really doing a lot better.
Then on Monday night we went to watch a tv show on my computer and we had to use a different program to play the video. It was a program we hadn't used in over a year, and the video wasn't working and my wife clicked on something and a list of past videos popped up. There was two videos on the list, one was a regular movie, the other was a porn. My life has been an absolute nightmare since that precise moment.
My wife was shocked and extremely upset, words can't describe just how angry and upset she is. The things she has said have been absolutely horrible and I honestly can't believe just how bad it is. We tried to go to counselling yesterday but I think my wife only hears what she wants and used it as a chance to validate her own anger. She thinks I am a scumbag, she thinks I am horrible, she feels violated, she wants to separate. I have been in exile for four days and I honestly do not know anything I can do to make her understand how sorry I am and how badly I want to make things better. We are living in the same house, sleeping in different rooms, and she will barely look at me or talk to me, let alone touch me or let me touch her.
The video was from nearly a year ago most likely, not that I can remember, but I admitted that I did watch it occasionally because I didn't want to lie to her. Maybe that was a mistake. I don't know. I have tried to help her understand what it is like for a guy, the culture that we live in and how much porn is out there and so easily accessible. She doesn't want to hear any of it. If other people want to do it she doesn't care, she just can't stand the thought of me getting aroused by those "filthy horrible dirty whores".
I feel like she has a lot of pent up issues, something has to be causing this irrational and misplaced anger, but I can't have a rational conversation with her. I don't know what she wants. Does she want me to hurt myself? Does she want me to grovel on the ground? She doesn't seem to want to see me or talk to me but she also gets mad when I just leave her alone and leave the room or the house too.
Last night while waiting for counselling I said I wasn't sure if I would go to practice for ultimate, and she said that it might be good for me. After counselling we went home and we did a few chores and things around the house, watered the gardens together and it felt like maybe we had taken a step forward. Then I started to get ready to leave and said goodbye, and she seemed surprised I was leaving. I thought she was just surprised about the time, that I was leaving early or something, but this morning I find out she is even more upset and didn't want me to leave and says I never asked or even told her I would be leaving, and that she wanted to talk to me last night and felt like I just walked out on her. Again she says I am not doing anything, accusing me of not caring and saying that the marriage could be over.
I am so lost, I'm such a wreck. I don't really know what to do or who to talk to. I'm facing some big decisions, like what do I do tonight, tomorrow, Sunday? How do I not lose my wife but also not lose my sanity? She has said she will be busy most of the weekend. She has a practice of her own tonight. Then tomorrow she has a buck and doe for a friend that I was supposed to go to but she has said over and over that I am not going with her. Then Sunday she is going for a ride with some friends which will take up most of the day.
What do I do? Do I avoid her? Do I try to ask her to let me come with her? Do I arrange for plans with friends of my own? I was also asked to play in an ultimate tourney this weekend, do I play or not? Or if I do anything for myself will she see that as not caring. Am I supposed to go into full mourning, wear a burlap sack and tear out my hair and gnash my teeth, moaning and wailing alone at home until she forgives me? Or do I give her space and time and live my life, go hang with friends or go play ultimate and hope she gets over it?
Hoping for some hope.

Replies

victoria2014
victoria2014

Alex,
sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation.
I will write the following in female perspective and gambler perspective.

Gambler;
Please stay strong to not run away from this issue by gambling. It is very important for you to keep things simple as gambling will complicate things more. You need to deal with this important matter head on with clear mind.

female perspective;
She is angry and no matter what you do, you will be wrong.
you will need lots of patience, more patience then you ever know you could.
make sure you are listening to what she is saying, not just hear what she says.
she needs lots of empathy. You can start this by genuinely apologizing for your behavior. It may have been a past behavior to you but it is her recent reality.
Let her know how that you are aware of how much this has hurt her and you are commited to not only fixing this flaw but also commited to helping her to heal her wounds.
Talk with her about what you can do to help her easing her pain. Do not expect her forgivness, she will only forgive you in her own terms, not on your term.

she will need to forgive herself being angry and hurt by your mistake by greiving loss of trust in your relationship. Right now she feels very low because no matter how it\'s explained she is not willing to accept it has nothing to do with her.

It is evident that you love her very much. You need to show her that you love her. You can look up the bible what that love is.

Let your pride go completely no matter how she seems so unreasonable in her behavior.

this is just a my two sense and ofcourse it all depends on how willing and how much you want to go repairing your relationship.

Again, I am sorry you are in this position and if I can be help of anything, I am here.

stay strong and wish you and your wife nothing but the best.

love,
victoria
Alex-Scott
Alex-Scott

thank you so much for the response... very good, kind advice!
victoria2014
victoria2014

Also, remember you have alot to juggle with as far as healing yourself. Don\'t forget to grieve yourself for all the emotions you are dealing with.

this too will pass slowely but surely.
ll2live
ll2live

I am so sorry you are going through this Alex. I remember a time when I acted the same way as your wife. My husband was an alcoholic. He had promised to stop drinking for the umpteenth time and I had found an empty bottle or something. I was so angry and hurt and terrified of my lack of control over the situation. I was so hurt because I took it personally, like he didn\'t love me enough to stop drinking. On the outside, I acted like I wanted nothing to do with him. I banished him to another bedroom. I looked at him with disgust. I threatened divorce. BUT on the inside I mostly wanted him to prove to me how much he loved me by not giving up on us, when I was basically forcing him too.
I can see this all in hindsight now, but I was very confused about it all then.
The thing that was missing in our relationship was open, honest and sincere communication - and I had as big a part in that as he did.

What would happen if you read this journal entry to your wife? You have placed your truth in words so clearly here - doesn\'t she deserve to hear your truth? Don\'t you deserve to have it heard? It is so clear in this entry how much you love her, and how bad you feel, and how much you want to do better and be better and make things right.
Take care of yourself and remember that no matter what happens, gambling will only make it worse. ~ Lisa