Feeling lonely....
Lately I have just been feeling lonely...there can be plenty of people around me but at the same time it feels like only me...we had our Thanksgiving dinner last weekend and everybody was there...it was nice to have everybody together but I just went through the motions. My mind and thoughts were a million miles away. These days I just can't seem to focus on what anybody is saying. I'm in my own little world with my thoughts. I feel like I am living a lie...when marriage comes up in a conversation and somebody asks me how long we have been married I feel like I am lying when I tell them. Yes I am married to him but we don't live like that and haven't for so many years now. It makes me so uncomfortable when people talk about their marriages. I have a few friends from years back that I email and I never mention H when I talk about my family. Somebody asked me if I was still married? I didn't know how to answer that question so I just simple wrote back..."we live in the same house!" I don't know what to say. People will invite me to places with him and I don't want to go..I don't want to go anywhere with him! Its a odd situation to be in..yes we are still married on paper but in everyway else we're not. We are merely existing day to day......
Replies
I can feel your pain and it is so familiar to me. You described the last 10 years of my marriage. You deserve so much more and I hope you can find the strength to change this bad pattern. I\'m here any time you need to talk.
So sorry for you. I also been there far to long. I also need to move on but don\'t know how so am just trying to push on and find happiness for myself. Best wishes!
I know your pain well. You ARE \"a million miles away\" in thought. I also believe that there are so many others that don\'t come here that feel that way too. It isn\'t a healthy way to live - but it\'s a way for you right now. Someday you will find \"your way\" by just moving forward. Keep building the bridge that you are. There will be a day when you\'re ready, that you\'ll decide to either walk over it or stay (but, empowered) knowing that it\'s there for you at any time.
I read your posts with an open heart because I DO know what your feeling. I spent a lot of my marriage feeling like a zombie at times. I too stopped wanting to go anywhere with him. My best times were being alone in my computer room or bedroom. Anywhere that he wasn\'t. And when we were together - I just felt like a thing - not a wife - not even a person - just a thing.
I know that you probably get tired of hearing your support group here telling you to \"leave\" - just leave. All are in so many different places in their lives right now, as you - but, they\'re struggling to get through the after-math of leaving. They\'re in pain too, just the same. Sometimes the biggest hurt for me is \"the leaving\" - I know that it took everything that I had to do it, but I\'m still reminded everyday that in doing this, I lost a dream - my family as a whole. I know that in time - I will have a better life and my family will exist again, only in a different way - a stronger way. Sometimes I cry - just out of no were - the tears flow. So you see - the hurt doesn\'t go away just because you leave - but you know in your heart that THIS hurt is for a better life eventually - and I know it will come.
You may feel when you post or read posts that everyone is in a better place then you right now, but that\'s not true. And, if you post you\'re going to get the \"get out\" lecture, which is what \"anyone\" would want for you and rightfully so - you deserve happiness. What you do for me is inspirational. When I\'m feeling low, confused and unloved on my new journey, you remind me of what I left. You help me. I don\'t think you realize that. Please don\'t think in any way that I find pleasure in your quest - I ache for you. I know exactly what your going through AND that you WILL and are doing all that you can to make things right for you. You\'re a strong and intelligent woman. But, when my heart is broken and confused you give me strength and encouragement by reminding me that what I left is truly not what I want to go back too. Am I making sense to you?
In just this one journal you reminded me of ME. And why I did what I did. As you will do what you need to do. I\'m no hero here because I left - don\'t forget it took a 37 year marriage to finally decide (AND health was an issue too!) to do it! That\'s a long time. I think your posts help others remember what they left too. It helps them wipe away their new tears and new fears in a good way. I wish your journal was a post. And, sure you\'d get the \"get outs\" again - but right now you\'re in a place where a lot are coming from and it\'s a helpful reminder to most of us knowing that we were feeling all these things in our marriages too - to let go of all our thoughts of what could have been - because it never was. I so appreciate you strength and your determination - you WILL make it - with or without him - I promise you this. Thanks for all your support (unknowing to you). I pray for your continued guidance and a healthy and happier you. Your friend.