feeling low

I never thought I would have to fight anxiety or panic attacks.  I never thought I would feel so very overwhelmed inside by a conition that I try to stay on top of...but here I am tonight feeling as though i'm slowly imploding inside.
Everyday I relive my son's entry into this world and how his troubles could have been avoided if only IF ONLY the nurse would've believed me when I said I was in labor.  I think of all the dreams I had for my son, all the places I would've taken him to,  all the things that we would've done together...things that now seem so far from reach...
When I was pregnant I pictured us walking hand in hand down town Christmas shopping, I thought of how much trouble I would've had to get him to come inside from playing so that he could eat his dinner...Pictures that may never come to be in the sense they were originally pictured.
I watch my friends become pregnant one after the other, I smile, I bring gifts, i'm even Godmother to some, but inside i'm crying - they'll never know-  why couldn't MY son be normal too???!
I watch my son who is so cognitively alert, yet trapped in a body that he just can't make do what he wants it to do...I watch his effort in trying to say 'bye bye' and he can only manage 'buh buh', or I watch him realise that he can't physically get out of bed, so every morning he says 'Uck!' which is his attempt to say 'up', and I run from what ever i'm doing to heed to his small yet powerful command..
and it hurts...it hurts so bad, to see that the son i carried for 9 months was then subjected to a life thrust upon him, one in which he will have to work twice as hard as the 'average joe'  to accomplish things that come so easily and sometimes taken for granted by many.
He's my pride and joy and I try not to hate myself everyday for not screaming at the nurses harder or screaming for my doctor.  I feel to blame for his now long journey in life, and whereas feeling guilty accomplishes nothing, it is how i feel and 10,000 therapists cannot take my guilt away.
But i will make sure that he knows the meaning of true happiness for as long as i am spiritually,  physically and mentally able.  I cannot protect him forever, so I must prepare him to protect himself and this can only be done in a nuturing environment.  Whatever needs to be done I will aspire to do it, because at the end of the day, my son must be given the best possible life I can manage.  He deserves so much more, but my best is all I have and God's willing my best will be good enough to make him the best that he can be....
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am sorry that this has happened to your son but it does sound like you are emboldened to give your all to provide your child with the highest quality of life and prepare him for the journey ahead.

It may be a little difficult but I am living proof the success is possible.
deleted_user
deleted_user

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deleted_user
deleted_user

i am going to keep it short since it is late - sorry that you are so low right now - i have definitely been there - the what if\'s, the regrets, the pain - it is all so familiar. the only advice i try to give myself is to maintain my own health because if i cannot stay balanced and in harmony with what this life has dealt, my son will certainly be affected negatively....... you cannot be with, advocating for and nurturing a child all day without taking excellent care of your own mind, spirit and body. needless to say, nearly 3 years later i am feeling ragged and in need of heeding my own advice. every day i say to myself \'hold it together.... find happiness deep within yourself and it will be better that any therapy you bring your kid to\'. if only i could rise to this task.......why is it so much easier to ignore ourselves and beat ourselves up over something we can not change??
deleted_user
deleted_user

I can relate to your situation. My son has cerebral palsy, so I know what you\'re going through with your son. But my son is the absolute happiest person I\'ve ever known. He\'s not cognitively up to his 8 year-old level. He doesn\'t know there\'s anything wrong with him. He just thinks that that\'s how it is and he\'s totally okay with it. But every day is a struggle for him, just to help the caregivers with getting dressed, walking in his walker with braces on his legs from his dorm to his classroom, not being able to feed himself or hold a cup. But despite all these obstacles, he\'s HAPPY and that\'s all that matters to me. He\'s also visually impaired to that throws another \"wrench in the works\" but he\'s doing just fine. 3 years ago I decided to send him to the school for the blind in our state of Wisconsin and it\'s the best decision I ever made. The school is 3 hours away from our home, so he lives there during the week and we only get to see him on the week-ends, but it\'s all worth it to see the progress he\'s making. Just please try to keep your head up and realize that there\'s a lot YOU can learn from your son. God bless you sweetheart. Send me a message anytime you want to talk :)
optimsitic
optimsitic

thanks guys for your words of comfort and support. It means so much to know that they are others who can relate exactly to how i am feeling.

Pray all is going well in each of your circles...