Feeling Lost

Woke up this morning wondering "will my life always be defined as the mother who lost her daughter?" It seems like at work, that's what people say when conversation comes up. I was at a meeting at church (not related to grief, death, children) and after I finished introducing myself in this small group of women, one of the women said - Vicki's daughter is with Jesus now. Of course these other women then looked at me differently.... I don't have the energy to spend a lot of time as to what was the point but it has me wondering this morning -- will I always be defined as the mother whose only child is with Jesus? Will I always be defined as the mother who cries at work? Will I always be defined as the mother who is so sad and sometimes even my closest friends just don't know what to do.....
Six months tomorrow....1/2 year that my Jennifer is not here physically with me. Six months that I feel so often like a robot, just walking through my day but mentally often in a fog... My life is forever changed but I truly hope it won't always be defined as this! I have so much more compassion, so much more empathy so much more understanding but sometimes I feel like people look at you with sympathy and sadness in their eyes....
Oh, Sisters of the Heart, will my life forever be defined as the mom who no longer has her daughter? Does this make sense? Jennifer has given me another dimension of my life and has expanded what I think, what I feel, what I understand, and sometimes HOW CAN I HELP SOMEONE ELSE? that 6 months ago I wouldn't even thought about it. Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer - you are my sunshine - your life touched many - so in writing this morning - I am proud to be Jennifer's mom and that's what I want my life defined as - NOT the day that Jennifer went to heaven.....
Vicki

Replies

babiboismom
babiboismom

Vicki....oh how we can relate! When I read your journal.... at the end of it you said you want your life to be defined as being Jennifer\'s mom. That is so understandable.....seems we all want that.

Perhaps if someone speaks of you in the future, as the mom who\'s daughter is now with Jesus, you can simply state something like \"yes.....and I am proud to still be her mom.\" Seems we find ourselves in effect, teaching others about how we truly feel & what helps us deal with our grief. No....it\'s not really fair that we need to do that, heavens knows I don\'t like it one bit. But the reality is they don\'t understand.....they have not felt what we have. Say what makes YOU feel better, which at times may be nothing at all.

Let others know how you want to be defined, that your precious daughter is your sunshine, that she touched so many & you are proud to be Jennifer\'s mom. Others will no doubt appreciate your willingness to help them understand & at the same time you will be caring for your own needs. I wish you strength as this is a difficult journey, one we all travel together, yet possibly differently.
We hold each others hands feeling a bit of security knowing we aren\'t traveling alone. Sometimes during the roughest times we need to tighten our grip even more. I am squeezing your hand with gentleness & understanding.
Loving hugs dear sister of the heart.......Vicki
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Yes, it is all encompassing at first and I remember too not wanting the essence of who I am to be defined as a grieving mother. It takes time and just as Vicki so wisely stated you will become a teacher for others on how to be with someone who has suffered a loss.

Six months feels like a lifetime yet it is such a very short, short time. You are in that womb and cocoon like state where you must be for awhile. The robot is okay, I call it the automatic pilot time too because it uses little energy and you just need to do the things that you must with as little brain drain as possible. It is a protective fog that is a very necessary part of the healing path.

I am a vivid dreamer and I remember telling one of my dear friends that when I slept it was all just black, like a hole that had no bottom. She asked me to reframe it as a womb type experience where growth and healing really was happening and just to trust and enter into it. That seed she planted changed drastically how I viewed that darkness and fog like state.

You are forever Jennifer\'s mom and need this time for YOU... Opportunities will come your way when you are ready and not a moment before. Keep putting one foot in front of the other as you are and trust the process.

Loving care and so much understanding my friend. YOU are Vicki and forever will BE Jennifer\'s mom and her life as does yours matters greatly.

XO Joanie
deleted_user
deleted_user

You will NOT be \"defined\" by everyone you meet in the future, since most of them won\'t know unless you tell them. And what you share with them three years from now is quite different from what you share with them now. That woman was gossiping: she had no right to make that statement about you, she was drawing attention to herself. And you have every right to feel betrayed, hurt, judged, pitied, and possibly now avoided....none of this is from God. Suppose this: you are walking down a dirt road wearing simple hand woven clothing and, coming toward you, is a man surrounded by friends and followers. He stops in front of you and puts His hand on your shoulder. Do you not share your grief and agony with this One Man? Of course you do. And what is His response, does He turn to the people with Him and announce you as one who has \"lost\"? OH NO HE DOES NOT. He embraces you as one who is FOUND, by Him. and that embrace gives you strength, courage. and perseverance. That is Whom we should meet in \"church\" but often (in fact very often) do not. It is the nature of Human beings and His two commandments ring in our ears:

Matthew 22:36-40

36 Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?

37 Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

You will find far and few between who love you as they love themselves; you will find far and few between who have learned to love themselves, because this means the must forgive themselves. People seem unable to accept the fact that Jesus forgave us for the very nature that makes us Human and He knows what that is, because He became Human.

Your daughter left you such a short time ago, little sister. You have a journey before you. Robert Frost wrote,

\"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.\"

The narrow path, the one taken the least, is the one we have to follow because at the end there is Light and Peace.
Robin4
Robin4

I\'m so sorry for your loss. I remember actually giving myself that label...\"the mother of a dead child\". I thought who would want to be around her. As grief entered my life, it slooooooooooooooowly began to teach me and I had to re define myself. One definition that we will always have is \"mother\". That cannot be taken even though our child is gone. People may look with sympathy and sadness because they genuinely are sad for you right now, but one day that will look at you as are becoming more each day...more compassionate, empathetic, a survivor, fighter, and a strength to others. Continued support and much love. Robin
zzztop
zzztop

i,AM SORRY YOU LOST YOUR DAUGHTER i LOST MINE TO. I MISS HER ALL THE TIME. I DON,T THINK THAT WOMEN IN \"CHURCH\" SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT AT ALL. TO ME THAT IS IGNORANT. I NEVER GAVE IT MUCH THOUGHT. IF SOME ONE REFERRED TO ME AS ROZ. MOTHER I WAS HAPPY BECAUSE IT WAS NOT LIKE SHE HAD DIED. LIKE THE OTHER MESSAGES SAID SO TRUE IT HAS ONLY BEEN 6 MONTHS \"GRIEF IS A LIFE TIME PROCESS\" in 3 years you will feel betternot this intence turmoil the waves of anxiety, grief, deep dispair. you will not have that. but you will always thinking of your daughter. how could we ever forget our children. we have all went through what you are right now. so we understand what you are going through. bless your angel hugs mary ann.
KandL
KandL

Hi Vicki, I love what you said..proud to be Jennifer\'s mom and that\'s how you want your life defined. That is beautiful and no one can take your bond to Jennifer away. The cord reaches to Heaven and your love for Jennifer endures.
Love and peace, Linda
BinkyH
BinkyH

Hugs to you Vicki. I have come to accept that yes, I will always be a mom who lost a child. But acceptance is my answer. Six months is just the beginning. You will go through many changes until acceptance is the answer to it all. At least, this is how it was for me. Just because Jennifer lives in a different realm than we do does not make her less your daughter nor you less a mother. We just understand more deeply than others.
Peace.
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

I have a friend who tends to tell people that I lost my daughter. I am used to it now - she is a dear friend who would do anything for me. In a way it is good; then I don\'t have to worry about how to respond when people ask me how many children I have.
When I think back, for a long time, I saw myself as \'the mother who lost a child\'. Life is so different after the loss of a child. Eventually, we evolve and become more than just, in my case \'the mom whose daughter died\'. I will always be Lisa\'s mom, and will always grieve. Life will never be the same, but it can be good.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
lynette22
lynette22

I\'ve often said I don\'t like being defined as you\'ve said. My aunt in Indiana lost a son and my cousins called me begging me to come because they didn\'t know what to say or do for their mom. All I could do was be there with her, cry with her, miss him with her. In the end it did me good, but I always say, I don\'t know how I\'ve gotten to today, certainly wouldn\'t have happened without FMO and my teachers and hand holders here! It will change, give it time!
dougadoug
dougadoug

At six months in I could barely function. At the one year mark I almost lost my job because they thought I was too sad. Five years later I am doing more than functioning, I am finding joy and happiness in life. When other moms told me I would I did not believe them, how could I ever survive the loss of my son? But with their loving support I have somehow come this far. Try to find moments to nurture yourself, be gentlen and kind with yourself. Sue xo
PLA58
PLA58

The office manager at work used to tell people that I lost my son. To myself I used to think what right did she have telling people that Mike died I should be the one to pick and chose who I want to tell and when and how I tell them. Like I was the dead one. Those early days are very hard. I asked a dear friend what do I say when someone asks me how many children I have. I still gave birth to two children and I found the words I have 2 children. I now can say I had 2 children but then it is to people I choose not some other persons choice.

It sounds like I am rambling on, I hope this will make sense to you
Hugs Penny