Feeling Lost!
My daughter is so upset! I am so lost and just feel like leaving to make all of the pain for them go away. My daughter asked me "why is mommy is so mean to you, why does she talk to you like that". How does a father answer that question. How do I tell her that mommy destroyed us financially, almost cost us our home and cheated on daddy? I cant do that, I cant as much as I want to, I cant make them feel that bad about their mother. It is their mother and always will be. I am having such a difficult time hiding the pain and the hurt that I am feeling. I thought we were hiding the arguments well but my daughter asked me why does mommy yell at you when you go in your bedroom and talk. I asked her how she knew this and she told me that when we would go into our room she should sneak into the bathroom and listen to us arguing. It makes me sick to my stomach that she heard these things. I feel like I am a push over loser. Is taking the high road really the right thing to do. It has to be, but feeling like a piece of crap is killing me. I worry that my kids are seeing this and look at me like that. I am sure people outside of my immediate family feel that way but I only care about my kids. I feel like it is making me physically ill. I dont know what to do. I was doing so good, making progress, doing the right thing and look where it got me.
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Your kids need you now, more than ever. Whenever you feel like leaving to make the pain for them go away, just remember that. Dude -- I\'m so there with you with what you\'re describing -- maybe not in the exact reasons (this father/Daddy has decided he\'s had enough of narcissistic emotional abuse...), but certainly in the processing of it all, from making sure I\'m connected with the kids to taking the high road and knowing that they still need their mother. And yes, many\'s the time I\'ve gritted my teeth through taking that \"high road,\" and fought the temptation to just flat-out call her on her bullshit -- but I will not do that, because the short-term satisfaction just isn\'t worth it in the long run.
You\'re not a loser. Please realize and remember that. And again, your kids need you now, more than ever. The pain is tremendous, I\'m sure, and there will be many more \"dark nights of the soul.\" If you have outlets for the pain (exercise, talking to friends, music, etc.), use them. If not, it may be time to create some.
So sorry you and your kids are going through this. We\'re all here for you, man.
What you are showing your kids is that when people are mistreated they dont\' have to take it. That sometimes it\'s better to let go of something that\'s not good for you. I get tired of people preaching that divorce teaches shildren to give up. You know what? There\'s a whole bucketload of unhealthy, unwanted crap that should be given up in life! Show your children that you are strong and full of love for them. And yes, take the high road. I\'m up here on it and it\'s frustrating at times, but I can always see that it\'s the right road to be on for my kids. That said, don\'t always rush to defend your ex of squash what the kids are saying about her. This is a good time to foster their ability to think critically and draw some conclusions of their own. I often ask my daughter now, \"well, what do you think might be the answer to that?\" And then I don\'t tell her if she\'s right or wrong. I defended her dad long enough. I\'d like her to learn to rely on her own instincts so that she can deal with him in a healthy way as she gets older. I still think you should get the Sandcastles book I mentioned. Truly, it is SO helpful. There\'s a section on the dangers of \"rescuing\" our kids, something I wasn\'t even aware I was doing. Very valuable lessons in there.