Feeling hopeless
After the initial sadness of my second failed IUI last week, I called the nurse to tell her that I would be skipping a month until my next IUI to get my bearings and to just try and live regular life for a minute. I had a really good conversation with her about my third IUI and I did ask her if the RE would maybe change something with the third. She said that my body responded really well to the Chlomid so she doesn't see why anything would be changed. She said I had beautiful follies each time but she did remind me that my AMH is .69 and that my husband did have a low morphology. She said that we might have to get more aggressive and I should make an appt. with the RE to discuss this now so I did. Although knew all of this about my low AMH and my hubbies spermies, it still hit me so hard when I got off the phone with her. So I leave my desk to the hallway where no one can see me at work and I call Marcus and cry my eyes out. All I could think about is why is this happening to us? We are good people and we would be wonderful parents. I feel so hopeless, no control, lossed, so angry......all these in on swoop. I'm lost for words on this situation and I honestly don't think the third IUI will work. I have a 20% chance of getting pregnant each IUI and that number just isn't big enough for me to feel good about this.
I know that compared to people who have had failed IVF's,this isn't as bad but in my heart I really feel like this is my breaking point and that I need to get used to the idea that I may never have children. Such a hard pill to swallow, but I just don't know any other way to look at this right now. I'm sure all of us have felt this way. I need to find a way to get me out of this hole I'm drowning in.
I know that compared to people who have had failed IVF's,this isn't as bad but in my heart I really feel like this is my breaking point and that I need to get used to the idea that I may never have children. Such a hard pill to swallow, but I just don't know any other way to look at this right now. I'm sure all of us have felt this way. I need to find a way to get me out of this hole I'm drowning in.
Replies
I wish I was there to give you a great big hug. No need to compare your situation to anyone elses, this is your journey and its painful any which way you look at it.
Maybe it is good for you to take the month off, let some of the pressure off that has been building over the past couple of months, talk to you RE about next steps, recommendations, various options and then devise a plan from there.
Maybe even plan a little weekend getaway for you and Marcus. Just to get away from the reality of IF for short time may be helpful.
You are strong woman, you are very deserving and with a little recharging you will be ready to keep moving. Sometimes you just have to let it all out and then pick up the pieces before finding your strength and carrying on.
Sending you and Marcus lots of love and prayers today.
I\'m so sorry you are stuck in this emotional place. I find myself there often. It is very scary and uncertain. I\'m glad Marcus was there for you when you needed him. A life without children is a very real concept us women with IF have to ponder. I hope for all of our sanities that we don\'t ever have to face that, but it\'s healthy to weigh the options. Is it possible to move towards IVF? I know IVF has much higher success rates when it comes to sperm issues, and will give you a better understanding of your quality of eggs. Good luck girl, i\'m rooting for you both and enjoy your much deserved month off!
I\'m so sorry you feel this way. Don\'t compare yourself to others, we all have seperate journeys, all which are heart breaking. I wouldn\'t let yourself think that you will never have children - there are many other treatments (IVF) that could be explored if you want to go that route. I firmly believe that you will get your BFP. Enjoy your month \"off\" and get out of town for a weekend. Just try to collect yoursefl and hopefully your spirits will turn around!
Ugh! Wish IF wan\'t such a damn roller coaster. I totally get what you are feeling. But, like the other girls said - sometimes we just need a break and to regroup and find some new found hope to carry on. Your RE may have some good ideas for you. Hang in there sweety. Thinking of you and praying for you. xo
I am so sorry. I truly found my failed IUIs were way harder than I ever thought they would be. I think its the chance that things could happen in a more natural way or something so when it does not happen its a big blow.
I know thinking about having to do IVF is scary, but there is a much higher success rate, especially for couples with sperm issues. I am glad you are taking the time you need before your next IUI and also setting an appointment to discuss things more with your RE. Good luck!
I\'m so sorry girl! I really hope the next IUI is a success for you guys. Big hugs!
So sorry.... feeling hopeless is completely understandable. Like everyone said above, no failed cycle is easy- whether it is the first or the fifth. After my 2nd failed IUI I was crushed, lots of sobbing was involved. I felt like so much was being done for us, how could this not work?
I\'m glad you are talking to the doctor, I have a hard time thinking that nothing changes, surely something more could be learned of the cycle. I\'d write down all the questions or concerns you have. I\'ve started doing lots of research on any lifestyle changes I can make to help things (diet, supplements, etc.)-- whenever I go in I ask my doctor more questions. I\'ve had a lot of months off, and they were much appreciated. It gives you time to be normal, and eventually get excited again.
I\'m so sorry you have to go through this. My AMH was .6 when it was last tested a year ago and I decided to take a few months off before we did our first IVF cycle. It was a really difficult decision to make but it was totally the right one for me, as it allowed me some time to just relax - or at least try to - and not have any drugs running through my system! Remember to always take care of yourself emotionally - time off can help achieve that. Sending hugs!
Thank you so much ladies for your kind words. I\'m still down but trying to just go day by day and concentrate on my excercising and meditating. Love ya\'ll ladies!