Feeling hope at the bottom
The last two days have been amazing. Since I found daily strength, I feel hope to recover from depression. The first night I went over a friend's house and made a master piece of artwork. It's been a long time since I could paint with real abandon. The next morning I woke up and went for a drive with the windows open on the highway, without coffee. I felt supreme peace and love in my heart, overflowing. My heart has not been open in a very long time. That morning I went to for my usual job in the park and met a guy who also runs as much as I do. He was a gentleman and we talked for a bit then ran together. I haven't met a guy in a long time either. Things started to change rapidly since I had hope to heal my depression. But I knew it wasn't over. As soon as my family got the news that I was getting help to overcome depression, they put me down. They didn't mean to, but they are also sad and disheartened by life. And it threw me through a loop, the ultimate downer after being up so high. So I called my friend who is also recovering from depression and she helped me out. Without this room and all the support and my decision to seek therapy after all these years suffering, life would stay as it was and just get worse.
One of my family members seems to be jealous. Or something. He lives with me and after I told him how I would seek therapy he didn't congratulate me. I was shocked, because he always told me how i should look up and feel better. How I have to find a religion or way of staying positive. And he wreaks of positive energy on the outside, but on the inside I know there's a demon he is searching to destroy through books and meditation practice. And when I told him I met a guy, he said it would never work out. I told him that was his perspective. Mom said the same thing. I can't live here anymore. I can't breathe here at all. I can't make artwork and I can't keep up with my responsibilities because the air here is like quicksand pulling me down. It's awful. The people I live with are the ultimate pessimists and anything I do wrong is a complete disappointment. Anything I do good is just "ok." It isn't acknowledged. I'm starting to see that my depression runs through the family and being here feeds the misery. Writing this is helping so much and I'm going to use daily strength as a life line. I just want to take all my stuff and move out now, but I have some things to do first. I'm saving money. I'm only talking with people who bring me up, not down. That is so important to me right now because my circumstances are getting worse. Life is getting shorter. And there is so much I want to do and just don't have the energy to do it and I am suffocating here. But I'm going to make it out of this. I am determined to!
When I sell my art, it usually takes me a lot longer to finish projects and my clients get discouraged. I always think it's better that I sell only a little right now, because I couldn't handle making it big yet. Having too many expectations would actually bring me harm at this point. I'm just starting to "get up" so I'm going to take it slow. But it's so hard when I'm drowning. I want to come up for air. Getting out of this house is the only thing that makes me feel better. And there is so much I have to do here to get out. At the very least, I have made up my mind to do so. That brings me hope. I need hope really bad. I have no energy to do these things. But I'm going to keep trying. The negative voice inside wants me dead but I'm going to keep fighting it with words of encouragement when I can. I see now why my relationships haven't worked out. I adopted my familie's pessimistic view. If I do find a sweetheart, I will never tell them about him. When I succeed, they will never know. Right now, I can't afford another put down. I'm in the middle of dark water, treading it violently in order to keep my head in the air for oxygen. That's where I'm at.
Part of me feels ashamed for writing all my negative feelings out. Because there is a catch to this. Growing up, I was told not to cry and be negative. My depression was ignored and therapists were judged. My outlook on feeling my feelings is awkward so it's hard to share. The words don't just roll out easily. The funny thing is, I was told not to cry and be negative by the worst pessimists around- my family. Isn't that strange? For people who go around suffering and being negative so much, they can't cry and like to put it on others not to express their pain? I want to change all this inside me. I want to have a safe bubble around me to do what I need to do and be as positive as I can and learn to break free from my family. And it's sad, because they are my family. My friends are super supportive, so I will go to them One day I'll forgive my family. For me. I learned a lot about forgiveness and I need it. I have memories of being screamed at for crying. So when he left, I would cry for hours. The shame would make it so I couldn't stop crying. This is all messed up, but I am getting help and seeking therapy. That is my hope. I deserve this. I am a good person and have a lot of love to give to my friends, my job which I love very much and need, and a sweetheart someday. They will not get to me. Just for today, I am safe from them and safe from my past and all the things that happened. God wants me to have a good life. That's all I need to know. He is my real Father and my family are his children. We make mistakes. Someday, I will forgive. For now, I have to keep them off me. It sucks being at the bottom but things are starting to look up. It is my view of hope that keeps me alive today. I can't say that things are healthy or good here where I live, but it's hope and a picture of a brighter future that will save me from crashing today. Thank you for listening. I need this daily strength so bad.
I believe their pessimism has become mine. Even if I move out, it will probably still be my monster to deal with. It's not my memory of pain, it's not what they say now, it's me. I've become it. And I am going to work at being more positive and hopeful one day at a time. It's funny how I couldn't see how bad things actually were until I found daily strength. And it's nauseating having to look up from such a bottom, a real low. But at least I'm looking up. Thank you
One of my family members seems to be jealous. Or something. He lives with me and after I told him how I would seek therapy he didn't congratulate me. I was shocked, because he always told me how i should look up and feel better. How I have to find a religion or way of staying positive. And he wreaks of positive energy on the outside, but on the inside I know there's a demon he is searching to destroy through books and meditation practice. And when I told him I met a guy, he said it would never work out. I told him that was his perspective. Mom said the same thing. I can't live here anymore. I can't breathe here at all. I can't make artwork and I can't keep up with my responsibilities because the air here is like quicksand pulling me down. It's awful. The people I live with are the ultimate pessimists and anything I do wrong is a complete disappointment. Anything I do good is just "ok." It isn't acknowledged. I'm starting to see that my depression runs through the family and being here feeds the misery. Writing this is helping so much and I'm going to use daily strength as a life line. I just want to take all my stuff and move out now, but I have some things to do first. I'm saving money. I'm only talking with people who bring me up, not down. That is so important to me right now because my circumstances are getting worse. Life is getting shorter. And there is so much I want to do and just don't have the energy to do it and I am suffocating here. But I'm going to make it out of this. I am determined to!
When I sell my art, it usually takes me a lot longer to finish projects and my clients get discouraged. I always think it's better that I sell only a little right now, because I couldn't handle making it big yet. Having too many expectations would actually bring me harm at this point. I'm just starting to "get up" so I'm going to take it slow. But it's so hard when I'm drowning. I want to come up for air. Getting out of this house is the only thing that makes me feel better. And there is so much I have to do here to get out. At the very least, I have made up my mind to do so. That brings me hope. I need hope really bad. I have no energy to do these things. But I'm going to keep trying. The negative voice inside wants me dead but I'm going to keep fighting it with words of encouragement when I can. I see now why my relationships haven't worked out. I adopted my familie's pessimistic view. If I do find a sweetheart, I will never tell them about him. When I succeed, they will never know. Right now, I can't afford another put down. I'm in the middle of dark water, treading it violently in order to keep my head in the air for oxygen. That's where I'm at.
Part of me feels ashamed for writing all my negative feelings out. Because there is a catch to this. Growing up, I was told not to cry and be negative. My depression was ignored and therapists were judged. My outlook on feeling my feelings is awkward so it's hard to share. The words don't just roll out easily. The funny thing is, I was told not to cry and be negative by the worst pessimists around- my family. Isn't that strange? For people who go around suffering and being negative so much, they can't cry and like to put it on others not to express their pain? I want to change all this inside me. I want to have a safe bubble around me to do what I need to do and be as positive as I can and learn to break free from my family. And it's sad, because they are my family. My friends are super supportive, so I will go to them One day I'll forgive my family. For me. I learned a lot about forgiveness and I need it. I have memories of being screamed at for crying. So when he left, I would cry for hours. The shame would make it so I couldn't stop crying. This is all messed up, but I am getting help and seeking therapy. That is my hope. I deserve this. I am a good person and have a lot of love to give to my friends, my job which I love very much and need, and a sweetheart someday. They will not get to me. Just for today, I am safe from them and safe from my past and all the things that happened. God wants me to have a good life. That's all I need to know. He is my real Father and my family are his children. We make mistakes. Someday, I will forgive. For now, I have to keep them off me. It sucks being at the bottom but things are starting to look up. It is my view of hope that keeps me alive today. I can't say that things are healthy or good here where I live, but it's hope and a picture of a brighter future that will save me from crashing today. Thank you for listening. I need this daily strength so bad.
I believe their pessimism has become mine. Even if I move out, it will probably still be my monster to deal with. It's not my memory of pain, it's not what they say now, it's me. I've become it. And I am going to work at being more positive and hopeful one day at a time. It's funny how I couldn't see how bad things actually were until I found daily strength. And it's nauseating having to look up from such a bottom, a real low. But at least I'm looking up. Thank you
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