Feeling Guilty

Thursday, December 4, 2008 – 3:50 P.M.  I don't know why, but it seems as though I am always running into trouble these days.  Nothing appears to be going right, and I am getting back to that old point where I can no longer find any pleasure in life.   Sometime early in the morning, around three or four o'clock, I suddenly woke up to a lot of pain.  By the intensity and location of it, I knew that it was symptomatic of another UTI.  I could do little at that time in the morning, so I finally managed to get back to sleep until 8 a.m.   The two CNAs who get me up in the mornings were both fifteen minutes late today.  I should not be too surprised by this, because they are beginning to make a regular habit of it.  This morning, one of the CNAs asked me if it would be all right if they began coming fifteen minutes later each morning.  I asked her why she was asking me that question, since they were already doing it without even having my permission to begin with.  She replied that she just wanted to make it official.   Upon hearing her request, my blood pressure automatically shot way up.  I told her that when I originally joined the home health care agency, the original agreement was that they would get me up at 7 a.m.  I continued, saying that then they changed it to 7:30.  I told her that soon changed to 7:45, and then 8 a.m.  By the time I finished explaining this to her, I could tell that she knew I was pretty ticked off because she told me to just forget it.   Late this morning, my own health care nurse came to see me.  During her examination of me, she ran a test, which showed that I have a UTI.  While she was still with me, the Director of Nursing also showed up.  She was there to do a recertification for me.   While the Director of Nursing was here, she told me that she had heard that I was having a lot of problems, which was also one of the reasons she came to see me.  I did not really want to tell on anyone, but this nurse said it was extremely important that I do so.  I proceeded to tell her about the request of the change in times of getting me up in the mornings, and the fact that this CNA was now bringing her nine-month-old baby to work with her every day.  That did not go over very well at all.   A few minutes ago, this CNA called me.  She wanted to know if she could stop by tonight and get me to sign her time sheets for the week.  I said that was all right with me.  After she had hung up, I began to think that the only reason she would have wanted me to do that tonight would be if she were no longer working for the agency.  If that turns out to be the case, there will be little doubt in my mind that I will be partially to blame since I told on her.   Although I am feeling very guilty about this right now, I am beginning to realize that this CNA caused her own problems.  There were several days when she talked about quitting her job, thereby leaving me to worry about whether there would be someone else to help me.  I almost considered that a form of making a threat, and that was when I first began to realize she had an attitude problem.   No matter how things turn out tonight, I will continue feeling guilty for a while.