Feeling Good Today
I had a pretty good day today... I got decent sleep (12 hours) and a good nap (2 hours) and went grocery shopping. I got soaked while going shopping, so I came home and had to dry out my clothes. It's a pain in the butt not having a car sometimes. Well, it's a pain in the butt almost all the time, since we can't go out and do the stuff we want to. The only time it's not a pain is when I'm training for my 5k and I'm tired and want an easy out to go home. It's hard being a mile away from home and knowing you have to walk the whole way back. Food was good today, I was in my calorie range and in range for all my nutrients except sodium since I had a cup of ramen.
I've been dealing with something lately and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm going to therapy tomorrow, and she's been encouraging me to write about my feelings more, so here it goes: I sometimes think my stepdad helped my dad die. My stepdad used to make a lot of money, and he and my mom never got married because that meant that they would have to pay more child support. So they just lived as a married couple without the paperwork. But because of this, my dad had to work harder to support all of us, causing him more pain which made him more depressed and he eventually killed himself. Do I think that the money would have made a difference? Honestly, no. I think my dad just wanted to work hard (that's the Mexican he was) and provide for his family the best he could. I don't think that my stepdad paying him more money would have been good for him. I think it would have eaten away at him, making him feel like he couldn't provide for his family, like he was a charity case.
Just deal with me here... I'm putting my feelings out for the first time, so I may come up with a different answer than what I started with. I may not need to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow. I know what causes these feelings about my stepdad- whenever I want to tell him "I love you" I start getting these crazy feelings about him so I don't have to say it again. I know I love my stepdad, so it doesn't make sense that I would be scared to say it, but I am. I think it's just the whole articulating thing that makes it hard. I've never been good at saying those words to someone, unless it's Geo or a partner and I've said it to them a thousand times. Even family is hard to say it to if I haven't said it to them- including my brother and sister. They know I love them, but I don't tell them. I think I'm afraid they will just brush me off or I will get a courtesy "love ya" mumbled really fast. I want them to say it because they mean it, not because they feel forced to. I think with my stepdad it's hard because sometimes he will say it to me and I have trouble saying it back, and then I try and say it to him first so he feels loved as well. We don't say it every time we talk... I think he knows I have a problem with it, so he just lets me go at my own pace.
See, the thing is, he's a good man for the most part... he's helped out my family a lot when he didn't need to, and so it's hard for me to find things wrong with him. There is a glaring black spot on his resume, but I don't want to talk about that in public. I think that's a totally different issue that's very complex. He's been good to my brother and I, helping us out with food, money, a place to live, all that stuff. My brother still lives in one of his houses, and my stepdad is going to send me money to be able to visit him and my family out there sometime over the holidays. I don't know when I'm going to go yet... I just have to time it right between Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and my birthday (Feb 3rd). I think going in January is the best option, since that's when I get the most homesick and I have something to look forward to. I think a nice trip home is just what I need to get me out of my depression that hits around that time. I did want to go for Thanksgiving, which is when I normally go, so it's going to be hard to decide between the two. I do think, though, that going that early in the holiday season is what triggers the depression. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I still have time to decide.
Okay, that's a bunch of feelings for today... I've talked about the major things that I wanted to talk about, and I'm trying to process what I was saying about my stepdad and my dad. I think that overall, he didn't do anything wrong, even though he did deny my dad money that could have helped, or could have hurt. Who knows? Nobody ever will.
I've been dealing with something lately and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm going to therapy tomorrow, and she's been encouraging me to write about my feelings more, so here it goes: I sometimes think my stepdad helped my dad die. My stepdad used to make a lot of money, and he and my mom never got married because that meant that they would have to pay more child support. So they just lived as a married couple without the paperwork. But because of this, my dad had to work harder to support all of us, causing him more pain which made him more depressed and he eventually killed himself. Do I think that the money would have made a difference? Honestly, no. I think my dad just wanted to work hard (that's the Mexican he was) and provide for his family the best he could. I don't think that my stepdad paying him more money would have been good for him. I think it would have eaten away at him, making him feel like he couldn't provide for his family, like he was a charity case.
Just deal with me here... I'm putting my feelings out for the first time, so I may come up with a different answer than what I started with. I may not need to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow. I know what causes these feelings about my stepdad- whenever I want to tell him "I love you" I start getting these crazy feelings about him so I don't have to say it again. I know I love my stepdad, so it doesn't make sense that I would be scared to say it, but I am. I think it's just the whole articulating thing that makes it hard. I've never been good at saying those words to someone, unless it's Geo or a partner and I've said it to them a thousand times. Even family is hard to say it to if I haven't said it to them- including my brother and sister. They know I love them, but I don't tell them. I think I'm afraid they will just brush me off or I will get a courtesy "love ya" mumbled really fast. I want them to say it because they mean it, not because they feel forced to. I think with my stepdad it's hard because sometimes he will say it to me and I have trouble saying it back, and then I try and say it to him first so he feels loved as well. We don't say it every time we talk... I think he knows I have a problem with it, so he just lets me go at my own pace.
See, the thing is, he's a good man for the most part... he's helped out my family a lot when he didn't need to, and so it's hard for me to find things wrong with him. There is a glaring black spot on his resume, but I don't want to talk about that in public. I think that's a totally different issue that's very complex. He's been good to my brother and I, helping us out with food, money, a place to live, all that stuff. My brother still lives in one of his houses, and my stepdad is going to send me money to be able to visit him and my family out there sometime over the holidays. I don't know when I'm going to go yet... I just have to time it right between Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and my birthday (Feb 3rd). I think going in January is the best option, since that's when I get the most homesick and I have something to look forward to. I think a nice trip home is just what I need to get me out of my depression that hits around that time. I did want to go for Thanksgiving, which is when I normally go, so it's going to be hard to decide between the two. I do think, though, that going that early in the holiday season is what triggers the depression. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I still have time to decide.
Okay, that's a bunch of feelings for today... I've talked about the major things that I wanted to talk about, and I'm trying to process what I was saying about my stepdad and my dad. I think that overall, he didn't do anything wrong, even though he did deny my dad money that could have helped, or could have hurt. Who knows? Nobody ever will.
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