Feeling dumb
Hello SOTH - Woke up this morning feeling "dumb" - I have said that today is 6 months ago my Jennifer left this world but it's only been 5 months.....I know the day Jennifer died, the very minute, the second that she died, so why can't I count? Am I wishing that the more time passes it will somehow get easier? I just feel so dumb - my daughter who means more to me than life itself and I can't even count the months right!!! I so HATE THIS - I HATE THAT I'M EVEN REMEMBERING THE 26TH OF EVERY MONTH - I HATE THAT MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED - I HATE THAT MY DAUGHTER DIED.....This morning I'm so sad, crying, can't see the rainbow, only clouds.....
This seems so ridiculous that I am even writing about this - considering what we have all experienced - seems dumb that I'm even upset about this....this whole thing just seems DUMB!!!!!
This seems so ridiculous that I am even writing about this - considering what we have all experienced - seems dumb that I'm even upset about this....this whole thing just seems DUMB!!!!!
Replies
No it\'s not dumb, journal entries are just for this purpose. Sometimes, people don\'t respond not because they don\'t care, but because they\'ve been there, and they know that nothing they say can stop the process of mourning as it turns into grief. You will someday not dread the 26th of any month except the anniversary itself, trust me. I hate what happened in my life also. This morning, I awoke about 4AM and just lay there thinking \"This can\'t be real, this can\'t really have happened to me.\"
There\'s no cure for grief, not for this grief, not for the loss of a child. But there is a way to learn to deal with it, to live with your tiger in that lifeboat. You can. You will.
Vicki, you are not dumb. Just because you miscounted the months since Jennifer left for heaven does not mean that you are dumb or that you care one single bit less for her. Remember, your brain sustained a trauma when Jennifer died. And your heart is broken. Not too long after Eddie died, I couldn\'t find a picture of him and me together from his prom night. I cried I screamed I said what kind of a mother loses a picture like that? Of course I found it at another time but we feel we let our children down in so many ways, even though we didn\'t. Its that mom guilt that we all feel because we feel somehow we should have saved them. I do know one thing. That you and I would have moved heaven and earth if we could have saved our kids. Please be kind to yourself and know that we understand that you love your daughter and miss her desperately. The pain does get lighter and you will start to be able to live and to think more clearly and you won\'t cry as much. But it will always hurt. Sending love and hugs, Linda
As it happened, I messed up my timeline as well...I read your journal and thought that I had skipped a month. Thanks for clearing it up for me with this update. It has only been 4 months after all. Lauri
How you are feeling in only 5months is a naturl normal reaction to the death of your daughter. we never knew our children were going to die and prepare ourslefs for it. I don,t think there is any guidelines to follow when your kid dies. You grieve you cry you feel so depressed so empty you try to get up every day and do the best you can as you endure the depth of dispair my daughter is gone and is not coming back . It took me almost 2 years where I felt normal . now it has been 11 years and I still think of her, I cry, I feel empty I feel guilty about so ma ny things. How could we ever be dumb feeling so lost and sad and pain, Knowing we will never see our children again untill we make it to heaven and they will be waiting for us. my date I hate is 1/18/2003 the day my only child finelly died after 81 days of suffering . (she had Lupus ) You will feel joy in your life again. It is just going to take time. (TIME HEALS EVERYTHING) and that is true but we will never forget that child we carried in our womb for 9 months and so cute when we saw her for the first time. You are not Dumb just going through a horrible tradgety. Bless your special angel. Big hugs and lots of love from another mom who misses her daughter Rosalind.
It sucks. But you don\'t. Our hearts are so filled with emotion, it is hard to process even the most basic things. You miss Jennifer more than anything most people can even imagine. As we hear time and again, one day at a time; and often, one breath at a time.
Love and huge hugs.
I understand those feelings of wondering if half your brain has been lost and might never be found. You are not dumb and far from it. You are grieving and this is that fog that seems to seep in to help protect and cushion when it can.
Your heart knows...
Gentle care as you make your way one second at a time.
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
oh my,,, I find it funny , because I can\'t count either,,, little basic things like that were hard to do for a long time.... you are not dumb.... you are normal..
love ya!!
Thank you moms! It is so nice to know that all these feelings I am experiencing are normal....Have a blessed day knowing you all are making such a difference in my life. Thank you....
My child also passed away on the 26th of the month. For a long time that day was difficult each month. Now other than the month of Feb. it\'s just another day. You are very normal with the momentary brain oops. Most of us can attest that we have been affected this way since loosing our kids. It does not last and seems to resolve with time. Sending you and your Jennifer love and hugs,
Debbie
Losing a child makes you fuzzy headed...it is amazing that we can function at all. Please don\'t worry about this...it is okay...you are normal...love and big ole hugs...Karen
It will happen that eventually you will pass the 26th by and then go...oh, yeah.
I know my date is the 2nd (Sept 2 is Jenn\'s Angel date) and for the first many months the 2nd was a day of sadness
My sisters were slick the first year approaching the date they decided we needed a vacation and the 2 sisters, my dtr Kate and I went to Vegas... we were in a comedy show and that is the opening number: Sweet Caroline... that song has special meaning for Jenn...so I didn\'t get away and she was even there and made sure we knew it by the music.
I no longer fixate on the 2nd of the month unless its Sept 2,,, that day I leave aside to do what I want, and feel any way I want... It is my right...
Hugs dear SOTH
MaryLou...Mom of Jenn
Nothing is ridiculous. And you are normal. I promise that eventually you will quit counting the days, weeks, months. The 22nd of every month is poignant to me, but it falls on different days each year. One year, it was Thanksgiving Day Don\'t stress about days. They are numbers on a calendar. Hugs.