Feeling Down

Its been a while since I've been this down. I've been feeling so good recently, optimistic, happy. But I fear that wasn't as real as it could ahve been. I have stayed busy, really busy, mucis, church, lessons, volunteering, charity work, all these things have kept my mind occupied and not left any time for feeling sad. So why do I now? I've run across homeless people, missionaries working withempoverished people, all these people I would like to help.  I befriended a woman who was on the verge of losing her home, had no income, barely enough food, no meds. I tried to help, did somewhat, but she got the wrong idea about me.  The idea that I liked her, more than just friends. Even though I say the words, she didn't hear them.  So I don't think I can help her any longer. I've been thinking about my failed marriage, my stbx.  I am wondering what I would do if she had a realization, if she could see the world, see us, the way I see it.  I am wondering if I would actually get back with her. she has hurt me so, so has denied me the caring, the love, the respect, the courtesy that no two people on earth should deny, I don't have any feeling at all for her anymore. Yet I remember her, I remember the woman she was, or at least the one I thought she was. I remember us having fun together, I remember us laughing, I remember promising in front of God friends and family that I would keep her happy and safe, honor and cherish her, now and forever.  Our marriage has been over for years in reality, even though the divorce is not final quite yet. Sher turned her back on me at the times when I needed her the most. When I told her I needed to have open heart surgery, her first statements were how could I, don't I know how difficult her schedule is now getting the kids back and forth to school? She didn't know if she could take me to the doctors or the hospital, the kids were more important to keep them on track. Let's not even tell them, OK?  Is it wrong for a man to turn to his wife when he thinks he's facing eternity? She couldn't be bothered.  How I felt, what I was thinking, imagining, doing, none of that was anything to her.  What I wanted her to say, what would have been so wonderful for me, if she could have held me, hugged me, told me that no matter what happened, no matter where my spirit went, whether on earth or in heaven, this hug would always be there, this protective cocoon of love.  But no, no live there, not for me. Not from her.  So since then, I've lived with this person, knowing that we were not married anylonger. Together in the same house, in separate bed rooms, so we could both be with the children daily.  Now I have moved out, and am moving on.  I have friends, people in my life, in different stages of relationships. My oldest and dearest friend, he sees this woman weekly, every friday, for dinner, as friends. He wants to change this, want to advance the relationship, but is scared of losing her if he does. My second bestest friend, he has reconnected with Jill, this woman we knew 30 years ago. She was marvelous then, and even more so now.  Yest he holds back, add I fear he is going to lose her over his fear of commitment.  Me, I know that I am not ready for romance, yet I've been thinking.  I know that I can be with a woman, I haver firends that are female. I know that I could easily lose myself in the good (well great fantastic overwhelming fantastisimcalyy) feelings that can take over when you fall in lust. And its been so long, so long, I know that could easily happen.  So why do I hold back???  I know that my heart is still tender, I am scared of facing the hurt and rejection that I received from my wife.  I do not know how to get beyond that. I know I could have a girlfriend, per se.  But I fear that would just be another trick to make myself feel better now, instead of curing the real issues of my heart.  I fear that I would be pushing myself farther behind in recovery, making it all the much harder to truly heal. So I'm down.