feeling depressed..........

i fele really depressed.....i'm pretty sure becasue the anniversary of my second rape in coming up in late january and i can't push it away any more.....i can't cope with it by using sex either.....that's the way i used to cope with it......it was bad and i know it was, i just really needed a release and i felt like sex was the way.....i didn't have an urge to self injure it was an urge to feel good about myself becasue the rape made me feel bad about myself.....now i feel like i wanna self injure......i wanna feel something other than the depression.....the holidays are upon us and i think that's why i'm not cutting.....i'm not sure if i;d be self injuring if it weren't the holidays.....i just gotta paste the smile on my face....tired of doing it, but it's what i hafta do to survive....