Feeling Defeated and Deflated

Ok. So yesterday did not turn out at all like I expected. I found a program that said they had a bed ready for Ben. It was my understanding that they had a 90 day residential program that was free. They said they had a bed available for him and everything. I called the social worker at the hospital and told her if she hadn't found something else to consider this place as an option as I had just talked with them. She said she would call them and call me right back. She called the place and then spoke with Ben who said he wanted to go. She called me back, said she had set it up, and I could come and pick up Ben as they were discharging him to that place. We drove the whole way up there--me very excited and nervous about how to be encouraging with out scaring him away. He was so emotional. He kept saying he wanted to beat this more than anything in the world and he knew he wanted to go, but he was scared to death. He kept saying he couldn't believe he hadn't gotten to a point in his life where he needed to go to a rehab program. He was so sincere and upset, but there was an obvious sense that he was ready to do this. We get to the place and he opened the door and got out. I got out and he got back in the car. I sat back in the car and he took some deep breaths and we talked for a few more minutes and he said he was so scared to do this and cried. He got back out with me after he said he knew he needed to do this and we walked in. To make a long story very short, they were not expecting us, there was no bed available and there is a waiting list for the program. We were caught so off guard that Ben started crying. He told the man that he has been turned away so many times and it took everything he had to come up there. They said there was nothing they could do and they were so sorry. Ben said he wished he hadn't even left the hospital. I made some more calls to no avail. All I could find were programs that are intensive out-patient therapy. We sat in the parking lot for a long time and I just tried to think. I called Ben's mom who was with the kids and she was at a loss of what to do. Ben was finally at the point where he sincerely wanted to get help, he was ready to walk through the doors of a rehab and hand himself over to recovery. What was I supposed to do? As we're sitting in the car thinking and talking, a dealer called Ben's phone offering Ben a double amount for a single price or something like that. He said he had some really good stuff. Ben told the guy to lose his number and stop calling. The guy kept on telling Ben he had good stuff and he wasn't going to lose his number. Ben told him he would give his number to the cops if he called again, but the guy just sort of taunted him. Ben finally hung up. Ben said they are like little demons selling you the stuff; always calling and tempting you, luring you in with "deals" and the "good stuff." We sat there talking for a bit more and Ben begged me to come home. I said no way, but he kept saying he would do anything to prove it to me that he is serious this time. He said he is so ready to be done with this. He has tried to get help before and he swore he is going to work to the bone to beat this. He hates who he has become and how this has destroyed him. Here is what happened next. I called his mom and told her what was going on and asked if he could stay with her. She said she would have to think about it and call us back. In the meantime, we started driving home. On the way home, Ben said he wanted to come home and surrender everything to me to start earning back my trust while working his way through an intensive outpatient program. He called his friend who he works for and told him the situation. He said he needs to set it up so that he doesn't get any cash for side jobs no matter what. He also told his boss that he wants to make sure that he doesn't get his check. Only I can pick it up on Fridays--no matter what. He asked his boss if he could pick him up for work for awhile because he was going to give his car keys up for awhile. His boss agreed to everything and was wonderfully supportive. We stopped and had his cell phone number changed. He erased all negative contacts in his phone and all his call history so that he had no way to contact people in that lifestyle. He also told me that he had robbed the guy the last he went to buy crack. When the guy handed it to him, he drove away and the guy chased after him. Ben said he's scared to death to go back because they are all connected and they obviously know his car after years of dealing with these guys. He said they probably texted everyone they were connected with about his car and license plate. He's scared they'll shoot at him if he ever goes back. We came home and discussed what we're going to do very briefly with the intent to discuss the game plan for this tomorrow morning. I'm so lost right now. Of course he is saying all the right things right now. And I do genuinely believe that he wants to change, but I know it is practically impossible to do without an inpatient program. But there are NO inpatient programs that he can get into with our insurance. It is so frustrating, but like the psychiatrist told us, you could look at like, "Well, we're screwed again," or you could say, "Let's see what is available to work with and use it to the best of our advantage." So... Tomorrow, I'm going to set some guidelines for Ben to stay here and the first sign that he is using he is gone again but for good. I'm going to tell him he has to do individual counseling for drug addiction. We have to do couples counseling. He has to go to meetings regularly, and maybe join an online support group too. I hate to share DS with him, since this is my place to vent and get support, so I'm not sure if I'll follow through on this one for sure. I suppose I should be open to sharing all these thoughts with him anyway though since I'm being so honest. Also, I'm going to stick to the idea of trust by saying that he has to be open about everything. If I call and he doesn't answer the phone, that won't work. I'm spewing out things here and it's pissing me off beyond belief because the past week, I've been working on me and even though it is all very new, I was starting to feel pretty good. Now I'm back to focusing on him and it makes me sick. Most of me wants to say, "Tina, (Ben's mom) he needs to come to your house for this recovery period. You help him deal with it while I work on me." But I start work next week and need someone to keep the kids. But if he's keeping the kids, that means he can't go to meetings anyway at night and he'll be working during the day. I feel like I just tossed everything I've been working toward this week down the drain. I had an anxiety attack last night and woke up feeling completely awful two hours after I went to bed. I didn't even want to get on here before bed and type all this because I'm ashamed that he's back. I know you'll all be supportive, but I feel like I made the worst possible decision letting him come back here yesterday. I didn't know what to do and my emotions were so scattered yesterday. Last night, when I told him we need to sit down and discuss our attack plan first thing in the morning before the kids get up, he said, "You're just going to love having all this control." My heart froze. It is just like the author of "Codependent No More" says in her book. I'm back to focusing on him and his addiction. I'm back to feeling out of control, while I try to control his addiction. I'm not detached. I don't even no how to detach--I read that chapter twice last night in bed and I still don't get it. I'm so frazzled right now and I feel like this is just starting the cycle again. At the same time, I want to be supportive to Ben. I'm trying to be supportive, but not enable. I just don't know what to do. Do I give him a final chance here? Or do I say you need to go to your moms while you figure this out? Or do I tell him to get an apartment and pay child support and pray he finds his own way? I'm so conflicted and everyone has a different idea than the next person. I'm trying to do what's best for me and my kids and I feel like giving him one more chance to prove he wants to do it once and for all is best. I will know that I've done everything in my power to help our family work through this and Ben beat his addiction, and I can work on my issues while he works on his. But in the back of my mind, all I can think about is how hard it will be for him to beat this. How likely relapse is. And can I really handle any more of this insanity? I slept pretty good this week. Now tonight, I'm awake and stressing out over his addiction, and he is sleeping peacefully with Brodie upstairs. I'm like the poster child for codependency and the section on reacting!