Feeling Defeated
Hello, I am new to DS and I suffer from depression, anxiety and agoraphobia. I have been mostly house bound for the past 7 to 8 months. I am a stay at home mom to my beautiful 5 year old daughter, and my husband works full time.
I've been battling depression and anxiety for years. I tried medication, but had a terrible experience so I am trying to fight this without medication. Lately it has only gotten worse to the point that I fear leaving the house, even to go to the store, run errands, doctors appointments, etc. I experience trembling, dizziness, nausea and sometimes even vomiting. I worry about ruining family outings with all my weirdness which only makes it worse. My husband has been very understanding, but I know he is getting tired of picking up my slack. I should be able to do everyday activities and my inability to do so makes me feel like a freak. I didn't always have anxiety. The attacks started about seven years ago. Before that I was fearless! I overcame it initially, then relapsed and have been struggling with it since. I feel like I have totally fallen apart. I can remember what my life was like before and I miss the old me. I feel like such a failure.
I know I need professional help, but there is no one to watch my daughter so I could go to multiple appointments every week. My husband has been supportive, but the rest of my family doesn't consider depression and anxiety to be "real problems" and I encounter all sorts of negativity, especially from my parents who think I am just weak minded and overly emotional which only makes me feel even more pathetic. I feel so alone in all this.
I'm honestly afraid to try prescription meds again. I have a phone app to help talk myself down, and I have tried breathing, but nothing seems to work that well when I am really panicked. I keep pushing myself forward and I will either have a successful outing with minimal anxiety (about 1/3 of the time) or I will feel panicked and have a bad outing which discourages me greatly. I read that if you force yourself to remain in a situation instead of fleeing that eventually the feelings subside and you can overcome your fear of the panic. This hasn't been the case for me. It's very back and forth for me. It's such a struggle. I have reached the point where I find myself thinking that I will never get better, that I'd be better off dead or that my family would be better off without me. I feel like I have already died on the inside, but I am still living. I know that I cannot go on like this. I need help.I have to get better so I can be the best wife and mother that I can be to my family. I don't want life to pass me by while I hide out in my house watching Netflix for the rest of my days!
I've been battling depression and anxiety for years. I tried medication, but had a terrible experience so I am trying to fight this without medication. Lately it has only gotten worse to the point that I fear leaving the house, even to go to the store, run errands, doctors appointments, etc. I experience trembling, dizziness, nausea and sometimes even vomiting. I worry about ruining family outings with all my weirdness which only makes it worse. My husband has been very understanding, but I know he is getting tired of picking up my slack. I should be able to do everyday activities and my inability to do so makes me feel like a freak. I didn't always have anxiety. The attacks started about seven years ago. Before that I was fearless! I overcame it initially, then relapsed and have been struggling with it since. I feel like I have totally fallen apart. I can remember what my life was like before and I miss the old me. I feel like such a failure.
I know I need professional help, but there is no one to watch my daughter so I could go to multiple appointments every week. My husband has been supportive, but the rest of my family doesn't consider depression and anxiety to be "real problems" and I encounter all sorts of negativity, especially from my parents who think I am just weak minded and overly emotional which only makes me feel even more pathetic. I feel so alone in all this.
I'm honestly afraid to try prescription meds again. I have a phone app to help talk myself down, and I have tried breathing, but nothing seems to work that well when I am really panicked. I keep pushing myself forward and I will either have a successful outing with minimal anxiety (about 1/3 of the time) or I will feel panicked and have a bad outing which discourages me greatly. I read that if you force yourself to remain in a situation instead of fleeing that eventually the feelings subside and you can overcome your fear of the panic. This hasn't been the case for me. It's very back and forth for me. It's such a struggle. I have reached the point where I find myself thinking that I will never get better, that I'd be better off dead or that my family would be better off without me. I feel like I have already died on the inside, but I am still living. I know that I cannot go on like this. I need help.I have to get better so I can be the best wife and mother that I can be to my family. I don't want life to pass me by while I hide out in my house watching Netflix for the rest of my days!
Replies
You are not alone. I have panic attaches. I think. They are usually short lived. I also have anxiety. Can usually predict these because I have a need to talk. Only a cover for my true feelings.
NO!! \"I\'d be better off dead or that my family would be better off without me.\" Seriously!! Have you thought this through?? Your husband chose YOU to marry. He CHOSE YOU!!!
God chose you to be the mother of your daughter. You plan to take that privilege from her. You think you know better than God what your life should be??
Please excuse the brutal honesty. I sometimes can be quite honest. Down right rude.
But, please, it is as much a reminder to myself.
Let\'s talk!! (pm me)
Thank for your comments. It may seem harsh, but sometimes I need to hear that. Such true words and it is not anything that I haven\'t thought myself. I\'m wouldn\'t take my life, our leave my family, but I have retreated from living my life, and have just been shutting down emotionally and physically. To me, that is almost just as bad, the only difference is that I know I can come back from this, I just don\'t know how. My family is what keeps me going. I pray about it a lot, but I just feel discouraged that it is getting worse. I fear that I will let them down, and I need to just shut down that train of thought, and find some way to get better.
Here\'s thought:
look for God things. The more you look, the more you find!!
Start with going outside. Listen. there might be traffic, there might be birds. Block out the traffic until you hear the birds.
It\'s a start. But, every one needs a place to start!!!