Feeling confused
We had a really nice Father's Day! Things are going ok. I feel the connection coming back and we've been communicating well.
Here's the thing. Im feeling confused. There really were problems with our M. My H behaviors, the way i reacted to them. Very unhealthy. We got to a point where we talked of a separation, twice! Now that the OM is out of my life, how is it that i can feel connected to my H again and NOT want a separation?! I think, how cld i have ever thought i had fallen in love with and planned a future with OM? And was ready to walk away from my H and M? It seems so simple to say that it was bc i was watering that grass and it seemed greener. But when i really think about things, it scares me to think i came so close to destroying something so wonderful.
Then i think, my H really is p/a. Always has been. It's just that it got so bad the last few yrs. But i see changes in him now and in my feelings towards him. He is taking more responsibilities with our children. Doing things without me having to ask first. Realizing what needs to be done and just doing it - like i always did.
Im rambling. Im sorry. I guess what im trying to say is, things feel ok between us. How could i have contemplated lvg just a few weeks ago?!
I was buying Father's Day cards and felt guilty about getting certain cards bc they said soulmate, true friend, lifetime.... And it made me feel weird. Like i tainted all of that. I allowed someone to come between me and my H. I never dreamed in a million years i wld ever have done that. I was always the insecure one. He always had a lot of female friends. I always worried HE wld cheat.
How cld feelings just flip flop like this?
Here's the thing. Im feeling confused. There really were problems with our M. My H behaviors, the way i reacted to them. Very unhealthy. We got to a point where we talked of a separation, twice! Now that the OM is out of my life, how is it that i can feel connected to my H again and NOT want a separation?! I think, how cld i have ever thought i had fallen in love with and planned a future with OM? And was ready to walk away from my H and M? It seems so simple to say that it was bc i was watering that grass and it seemed greener. But when i really think about things, it scares me to think i came so close to destroying something so wonderful.
Then i think, my H really is p/a. Always has been. It's just that it got so bad the last few yrs. But i see changes in him now and in my feelings towards him. He is taking more responsibilities with our children. Doing things without me having to ask first. Realizing what needs to be done and just doing it - like i always did.
Im rambling. Im sorry. I guess what im trying to say is, things feel ok between us. How could i have contemplated lvg just a few weeks ago?!
I was buying Father's Day cards and felt guilty about getting certain cards bc they said soulmate, true friend, lifetime.... And it made me feel weird. Like i tainted all of that. I allowed someone to come between me and my H. I never dreamed in a million years i wld ever have done that. I was always the insecure one. He always had a lot of female friends. I always worried HE wld cheat.
How cld feelings just flip flop like this?
Replies
Happens to me every other day. Flip, flop. Sometimes I ask myself if I am better off with or without H or om. Hard to say. I have about decided to just let nature take it\'s course. Whatever happens happens.
Praise God and thank you Jesus for this eye(heart cleansing) opening for you....I am so glad you have been chosen to receive such a gift now don\'t let the devil steal back this victory, keep praying, keep seeking God\'s will for your life and your marriage, and for your husband, become a prayer warrior and defeat satan at his own stinking game...\"Let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends.....\" look this song up on line...\"Worn\" 10th Avenue....I did post the words on a thread here somewhere, but go listen to it on youtube, smiles and laughs to you, keep up the fight, I think you will find it is worth it :)
I feel better that I am making a choice. We never really worked deep on our issues, because I got into the habit of running to the OM - or rather taking him back whenever he ran to me. Honestly, i\'m appalled at some of the things he would say to me. I find it hard to believe that he\'s had a revelation like this and is working on himself bc he never had any guilt or remorse or shame. I feel for his W, I really truly do.
I feel strong enough that I will stay on this path and not succumb to OM anymore. Thats an amazing song. Of course it made me cry. I cry so much lately. I honestly am still struggling with telling my H. We always could tell each other everything. We had this connection that was pure and comfortable and loving. SO many things changed over the last few years. I\'m am committed to being open and honest again with my H and hopefully will be able to work through my guilt and shame and get things to a better place. Some days are great between us and some days, maybe it\'s in my head, but I feel so bad that I feel like things are weird between us.
guilt will do that, satan is the enemy of reconciliation and will use whatever means to his end...it is funny to me that I feel compelled to say these things to you, and I also felt compelled to feel this for the ow and my husband, I guess that must be the Holy Spirit in me, but my flesh is a whole other story....still have lots of triggers and nightmares, moments of drifting off to who cares anyway mist, I just don\'t think I can stay with my H, I don\'t think I will ever feel what felt right, and yet I can\'t stand to be away from him, so I guess I am not ready yet, we hold hands everyday, look into each others eyes, feel the pain, feel the love...I just can\'t stand what he did, how he did what he did and lived with himself in peace, that now tortures him daily, I JUST CAN\'T GET THAT, and I have \"loved\" two men at once, so I guess it is maybe my pride, \"how dare he do this when he promised\".....I may never know and die sad, still living with this betrayal and pain
At the height of the A, I too felt like I loved both men. My relationship with my H had become strained and we grew more and more distant as I opened up more and shared thoughts, dreams and feelings with OM. I actually found it easier to talk to OM about things. He had a different view and it was refreshing. It\'s moments like that when I would wonder, did my H and I just grow apart? Did I want someone who had different views, had I found someone who related better to me? It\'s all so confusing. If OM and I were both single and met, could we have been in a relationship - I don\'t know - I think so. But the thing is, I should never have tried to find out. I really have to see if with all the changes my H and I have been experiencing as we grow older, are we still right for each other? Do we still truly love each other? My H is not an affectionate person. I used to be hurt and felt rejected when he pulled away from me in the early years but we talked about it back then and he just isn\'t that way. His parents never were either. Lately I feel I\'m missing out. I need to have the affection. He\'s good in other ways, helpful, etc. But that was a huge reason why I felt like maybe we\'re not right for each other anymore. That and the fact his p/a behaviors and the way he would talk to down to me at times, even in front of my family, have really helped add to that wedge between us. Those feelings of rejection have been stirring up and I know he\'s not going to change now - he never changed back then - I just had to accept it.
Maybe you guys are going through all of these changes for a reason too. Maybe things are not supposed to be the way they were, because maybe they can be better? I\'m sure you will not die sad. You guys need to give it time and figure out who you are, whats missing, what you both seriously want from a relationship. I can\'t imagine what you\'re feeling, but I can say - even though I KNOW I brought this upon myself - I am struggling with my horrible choices and trying desperately to figure things out and work on myself. I ultimately want my H and I to be everything for each other - I hope we can be someday.
I think in both states - during the affair and now - you probably have a warped perception. The truth of the situation and your marriage likely lies somewhere in between the two extremes.
I agree with Jaded.