Feeling broken

Today I feel broken, like I do most days. You see, yesterday I managed to 'lose' 5 hours. I normally don't admit these lapses to anyone, but I think it's time to admit them and maybe get some help. I don't know how to describe it other than being broken. Maybe it's depression, but maybe it's something else.
See, I have days or even weeks where I can't focus on anything. I can sit and stare at a wall for hours on end, and at the end of it have no clue what I was thinking about, if I was thinking about anything.
I had one of these days yesterday, after I wrote my last journal entry. I remember it being sometime between 12 and 1pm, and I was thinking about getting dressed to take the dog for a walk. The next thing I knew it was sometime between 5 and 6 and I couldn't recall most of what I'd done in the last 5ish hours.
From looking at my computer I know I was doing things, blanking out while looking at patterns and playing mind numbing games, but exactly what I did, I don't know. Most of the time I don't get anything done while I'm blanking out, I just sit and stare at a tv or a wall and don't register anything and it only lasts an hour or so at a time.
Today I'm looking around my house and seeing everything I need to do to clean up (vacuum, dishes, dust, clear up the clutter that's building up), but I have no desire or drive to do any of it. I can't stay motivated long enough to even get a full workout done. I was all pumped last month to get my bicycle fixed and go for rides. I got it fixed, and my Dad even bought me tools so I could do it myself instead of having to depend on him or my brother to come over with tools to help (cuz I waited over 2 months for that, but that's another story). I was all set to go for a ride on the next good weather day.
A week later we finally get a good weather day and my mood has plummeted and I'm no longer caring about riding my bike or doing anything to lose the excess weight I have. I'm not one to be embarrassed about my weight, so I'll go ahead and say it up front. I'm fat. Morbidly obese according to my doctors. My BMI is at 49, I'm two times the size of a 'typical' woman my height. I'm 5 foot 4 inches tall and weigh 285 pounds (roughly, haven't weighed myself in the past week). I need to lose at least 130 pounds to be in my 'healthy' range. I'm currently hoping I can somehow muster the motivation to at least lose 85 and get down to 200 pounds by next summer.
I just can't find anything that motivates me. I even tried the whole 'my chances of getting pregnant increase as I lose weight' spiel, but it didn't even work. I don't know how to keep myself motivated. My DH keeps trying, bless him, to help me find something to motivate me and keep me moving, but nothing either of us has tried has helped.
Currently there's a poster in the living room the DH has started working on for me, he calls it my 'happy chart'. He made one for me last year, but the pitiful amount of heart and smilie stickers stuck to it are only bad reminders of yet another failed attempt at getting me motivated (he would stick a heart or smilie sticker to the poster any time I hit a 'milestone' like losing 10 pounds or walking 2k). I just wish we could find something that helps, but most times I end up just sitting here thinking about just giving up all together.

Replies

polydoly13
polydoly13

Hey - I\'ve tried a few times to write and my freaking mind is scrambled, I can\'t seem to get out what I want to say. It doesn\'t make sense, but I can totally relate to what you\'ve said, not only about your mom (from your previous post) but to this new post. I too stay at home and wallow in our loss and our struggles. I too am not motivated to lose the weight I need to lose (I\'m 5\'4\" and 250). There are days I\'m not motivated to do anything, I sit around and watch tv or cruise the internet until I look up and realize the day is gone and I have nothing to show for it.

There are some days I don\'t fight it, I just let it happen, if I know AF is here, or if she\'s just shown up, I\'m worthless. Sometimes I\'m worthless on the day I ovulate (just really tired) and other days, I just wake up and know it\'s a bad day. But (for me anyways), I\'ve found that there are some days I can fight it. They are small things, like I\'ll make myself set the timer and tidy up the house for 15 minutes. Not actual cleaning, but tidying. Another day I\'ll plan some other activity, whether it\'s exercising, an actual cleaning project, cooking dinner. I don\'t plan all those things, just one, a little milestone. Once I have a few good days of doing those milestones, I kinda get motivated to do 2 or more milestones.

Plus I don\'t wait for big milestones like losing 10 lbs. I put a star on my calendar for every day that I exercise. I aim for Mon-Fri every week but last week was AF week and I wasn\'t motivated, so I went ahead and took a week off, but got right back on the horse after AF was gone.

Other tricks I do are making lists, not only of what I have to do, but what I\'ve done. I want to celebrate the accomplishments.

It\'s a daily fight. But it\'s worth it. I\'ve suffered from depression in the past, probably suffer from it now, I don\'t really want to go back to meds because of us TTC - so I work really hard to work through this. It\'s a daily thing, sometimes I win, sometimes I put it off for another day.

So long story short - DON\'T look at the big picture, find one little thing to tackle. Celebrate that!!! And who cares if you don\'t fit in a whole workout - do a little something, it\'s better than nothing and then celebrate it!!!

Oh and about my comment on your previous entry about your mom. I hope it didn\'t sound like I was encouraging you to cut ties with her. I didn\'t mean that at all. I haven\'t cut ties with my mom, I just wanted you to know you aren\'t alone. I have the same issues with my mom. I have just chosen to limit my contact with her and I\'ve been able to draw some boundaries in our relationship. I know that\'s not possible with everyone. I\'m here if you need to vent.
calladreams
calladreams

poly, thank you for your encouragement. I will definitely start trying the small accomplishment/milestone strategy, maybe it\'ll help with the overall lack of everything.

As for encouraging me to cut ties, no you really weren\'t. I mentioned it because it\'s something I\'ve totally thought of doing many times. See my mum is my biggest demotivator. For instance, I had a group interview on Monday, they said we\'d hear back by the end of Tuesday if we got a 2nd interview. My mum\'s first response to this, and hearing how badly one of the other candidates was dressed, was to say that if I didn\'t get the job and the other candidate did, it was because of my weight.

For her, every failure I have with jobs is because I\'m too fat and no one wants to hire fat people. It\'s those things that make me want to just cut ties with her.
polydoly13
polydoly13

OH I\'m sorry to hear that. I don\'t understand some ppl and the words that come out of their mouth. Are they truly mean or do they think they are actually helping?? And seems like there isn\'t a decent way to get them to open their eyes and shut their mouths.

I wish you luck on the small accomplishments - it really can be addicting. I find myself setting the timer for 15 minutes and then I still keep working on whatever project I\'m doing. Plus after I started tidying the livingroom, I just kept tidying, then I felt like dusting, vacuuming, etc. Now it looks GREAT!!! And then I wanted the kitchen to look tidier, etc. And it really doesn\'t take all that much more time/effort. But start and start small, you\'ll feel great with what you get done.
calladreams
calladreams

My first small accomplishment today was walking to the library near me and picking up the books that came in for me. It\'s only a 15 minute walk, but I did it (with a friend who happened to be in the area and wanted to go to the library too). I keep looking at my carpets and seeing the dog fur all over and thinking I should vacuum, so that\'ll be my next thing to try to get done. :)
polydoly13
polydoly13

YEAH!!! Walking your errands is GREAT! And vacuuming sounds good too - if it\'s any motivation, I\'ll be vacuuming right along with you.