Feeling Better Today

I'm feeling better these days. I had some rough days these past couple of weeks but I think I made it through another rough patch. I know it won't be the last one, but I"m glad to be over it now. My life is settling into more of a pattern these days.  Keeping busier for now.  I still need to find a full time, good paying job, but I'm looking and I'm learning to live on basically nothing.  It's sad that I have to borrow from my own kids just to make it through to the next paycheck.  But I'm thankful for their help.   I know my stbx is paying all our bills and helping with food plus he's been helping the kids lately too.  I know money is tight, it always was.  He never believed me when I told him but now he's finding out for himself all the little things that pop up that you need extra money for.  I really could use some spending money, but i won't ask him.  He makes me feel like a beggar everytime I need money and I've instructed the kids to start asking him themselves and stop asking me because I just don't have it to give any more.   The really sad part is I've always been a giver.  It makes me happy to be able to give little gifts or buy lunch for somebody.  I know I probably wasted a lot of money doing this over the years, but it made me happy to see smiles on the faces of my kids, friends and family.  Now when I go to lunch with my kids and their friends, I have to ask if they have money to buy for themselves.  This breaks my heart.  Even on the vacation we took, I had to make sure the two kids we brought with us had money of their own.  If I was rich, I would take all of them on vacation for free.   I guess I should've titled this journal "Broke Again" but that is not the only reason I'm posting.  I guess I just wanted to jot down how I'm feeling today.  Today I feel pretty good - considering everything thats happening.  Considering how much my life has changed in 4 short months.  It's truly amazing that I can survive this kind of heartbreak and upheaval.  4 months ago I couldn't even imagine that I would ever be ok and right now I am.   I've noticed that I'm starting to laugh again.  I'm eating again too, normally anyway.  I'm sleeping better, not completely normal, but better than I was.  No more 3am wake ups - now I can last until 4 or 5am.  Little by little my life is getting more balanced. I'm trying to be strong through all of this.  What choice do I have really.  It's not an option to curl up in a ball and wish it all away.  I've got to show my kids that life is for the living and I can't do that if I show them I'm dying inside so it's time to start living again.   I know my life will never be the same.  I know I've got some rough roads ahead of me, especially financially, but I've got to trust in the Lord that the path I'm on right now is the right path.  I have to believe that somewhere waiting just around the bend is the happiness I am looking for.  I know this sounds corny, but if I don't believe than there's nothing to keep pushing me forward.   My life is very lonely these days.  I really miss that one on one talk that I had with my husband.  The every day conversations that didn't mean much except companionship.  I can't say I miss the affection and intimacy because there wasn't much of that the past 10 years - his fault and mine.  I look forward to the day that someone loves me unconditionally.  Someone who accepts me faults and all and doesn't harbor any resentment towards me for things that were out of my control.  I look forward to the day that a man in my life wants to spend time with me more than anything else in the world.  Someone I can shower love and affection on and just make happy.   Someone I can enjoy everyday life with - who wants to share his time with me. I know that I was a good wife.  I wasn't a bitch (most of the time), I wasn't an alcoholic, a shopaholic, a gambler, a cheater, or a  slob.  I was just a normal everyday wife living a very in a normal marriage.  But I guess that wasn't good enough.  He wanted more, but so did I.  I wanted more from him too and after years of trying I knew it was hopeless, yet I never knew he would end it all - end our marriage.  I guess I'm still in shock over that one. I think about Thanksgiving these days because it will be here before we know it.  I wonder if his family will still come over for dinner.  I've done all the Thanksgiving dinners for the past 20 years, but this year may be different under the circumstances.  I won't blame them if they choose not to come here this year.  I'm thinking our divorce could be final by then and what would I do anyway - invite him too?  I can't invite his family and not invite him so I'm thinking the kids and I will be on our own this year.  That's ok though because we'll be on our own eventually anyway.  Might as well start it now, it will just make next year all that much easier.  Christmas too.  That's another decision........ I know I'm going to be ok eventually.  I hope to get back into the workforce and start meeting new people.  That's just another advantage he has over me - he works in a corporate atmosphere where there are many single women to choose from (that's already been obvious from his behavior).  Plus I'm starting DivorceCare next Wednesday and I'm looking forward to that.  At this point I think I can be helpful to someone just starting this painful journey and I'm sure there will be people there who can help me too.   It's been a long, painful journey so far and I know it's not over yet.  But what I do know is that I am in a better place emotionally than I was 4 months ago and 4 months from now I hope to be in yet a better place than where I am today.  Time heals all wounds - it make take a lot of time, but the saying is true.  I'm living proof of that.