Feeling Better...Again
Right after I wrote last night's journal I talked with my boyfriend. He really couldn't understand what was holding me back from emailing my teachers, attending class after being sick for so long, and why I freak out when my parents start accusing me through text messages. It frustrates him because he thought I was just refusing to do these things because they're such simple and easy tasks.
I told him it's not easy for me. I know they are for everyone else and I feel horrible guilty and ashamed when I can't bring myself to do this normal tasks. Which adds to my anxiety. And when he repeats over and over just do it, you have to, DO IT. I get even more full of panic.
I told him it's like knowing I have to jump into a fire and it's going to burn and I'll feel like I'm dying. Everyone else seems to have protective gear and can jump in the fire with no problem. I can't. Then I feel guilty that I can't jump in the fire because then I don't make it to the otherside where everyone else is. I'm behind because I am too scared. And when he tells me over and over to do something it's like he's forcing me into the fire all the while I am kicking and screaming for it to stop.
I think this analogy helped. He said he didn't know my panic and anxiety were that intense. He said he was sorry for saying what he said that he wants to marry me no matter what. He was just worried that I was going to be stuck in the vicious cycle of my anxiety and depression forever. I told him it will be tough and non of it will ever fully go away.
He agreed to help support me in a different way than telling me what I already know. I just need help getting over the first few bumps and then I can eventually take my training wheels off and ride on my own. But it's very crucial that he supports me with love and acceptance or I'll never get out of the cycle.
I told him it's not easy for me. I know they are for everyone else and I feel horrible guilty and ashamed when I can't bring myself to do this normal tasks. Which adds to my anxiety. And when he repeats over and over just do it, you have to, DO IT. I get even more full of panic.
I told him it's like knowing I have to jump into a fire and it's going to burn and I'll feel like I'm dying. Everyone else seems to have protective gear and can jump in the fire with no problem. I can't. Then I feel guilty that I can't jump in the fire because then I don't make it to the otherside where everyone else is. I'm behind because I am too scared. And when he tells me over and over to do something it's like he's forcing me into the fire all the while I am kicking and screaming for it to stop.
I think this analogy helped. He said he didn't know my panic and anxiety were that intense. He said he was sorry for saying what he said that he wants to marry me no matter what. He was just worried that I was going to be stuck in the vicious cycle of my anxiety and depression forever. I told him it will be tough and non of it will ever fully go away.
He agreed to help support me in a different way than telling me what I already know. I just need help getting over the first few bumps and then I can eventually take my training wheels off and ride on my own. But it's very crucial that he supports me with love and acceptance or I'll never get out of the cycle.
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I could understand the anxiety about school. It took me 40 years to get my BA and another 7 years it looks like to get my MA, still working on it til June.
Maybe you can go to school just part-time to relieve some pressure. Anyway, I hope you and your boyfriend come to a better understand and he be a better support for you.