Feeling Alone.

Until very recently, I have always been ashamed of the fact that I have Myasthenia Gravis. I think part of that is because I never really had the opportunity to talk with other myasthenics. It can be a very lonely disease for a young kid. Another part is that telling people that I have Myasthenia is admitting that there is something wrong with me. It would be admitting that I am some sort of defective or damaged goods. When I was young I spent the better part of 2 years wearing dark sunglasses. It didn’t matter if it was day or night. If I was going in public, I was wearing them. I also made up stories as to why I had to wear them. I had a teacher send me to the office for not taking them off. I was in a new class and he probably thought I was just being defiant. The next day he asked me to stay after class. When everyone was gone he asked if he could see me without the sunglasses. When he saw my eye he told me he was sorry for putting me on the spot. He asked me why I didn’t just tell him instead of getting in trouble. That was a good question. Why didn’t I just tell him? Because, I was ashamed.
 
Looking back, it would have been much easier to simply tell the truth. Not just to that teacher. But to everyone. I have even lied to my wife. Nothing major. Little stupid stuff. There have been times when she was telling me about memories form school and I have led her to believe that I was cooler than I really was. She read my journal entry about how I had never really kissed a girl and asked me about it. I got really embarrassed and didn’t want to talk about it. I never really talked about how difficult it was for me in school with my own wife. I guess I don’t want her to be ashamed of me. I know it’s stupid to think like that. My wife has always supported me in everything. She is one of the most genuine, unassuming, and kindhearted people I have ever met. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I want her to think I’m cool. Because I hold her in such high regard.
 
   I think that being sick at that age really took its toll on me from a self esteem standpoint. I have close friends who know I have a disease, but that I have never explained to them what it actually is. They can tell it’s something I don’t like to talk about.
 
Well, it’s time for me to start talking. Talking to you guys for the last couple of weeks has brought back a flood of emotion for me. Emotions that I have pushed far down inside me a long time ago. It’s time for me to start letting people in. I told one of my closest friends about MG a few days ago. He told me that he had no idea what was wrong with me. He said that he was always curious but didn’t want to ask. He could tell I was uncomfortable talking about it. I still am uncomfortable talking about it, but talking to you guys has helped me a lot. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m not alone.