Feeling alone

Wow its been awhile since my last journal entry. Okay to catch myself and anyone who reads this up. I have recently become aware of my codependent issues. I hear everyone say how drugs and alcohol is taking over their loved one. However my codependence has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. It has to do with my best friend. As a kid I never got the emotional support I needed from my mother. Although she stopped the molestation, emotionally I didn't have the help I needed. So now and in the past I attach myself emotionally to a friend and we become close. Now this is were my codependence shows up. I become obsessed. But she doesn't know. I am an excellent faker (Okay I don't fake that...lol). I have two other best friends that I have been emotionally attached to but I managed to detach and remain great friends with them. Again no one has a clue as to my codependence. I'm finishing up a book about Shame. I am covered in it. Since the abuse I have been ashamed. Of course I couldn't put a name on it but now I know.  Okay so that was a bit of history. Today I'm feeling isolated, alone and abandoned. My best friend has been seeing this guy who is a great guy and they will probably get married. I'm feeling really loneli and abandoned. We don't talk as often. However we do talk. She is not excluding me out of her life its just that she is doing her thing...without ME! That's the part that hurts. I remember this is how I manage to detach in the past . The thoughts in my head are so obsured. Nothing that is based on reality. Not one of those negative thoughts like "she doesn't give a shit about you. She is selfish. You're not worth loving. You will always be alone." These are some of the thoughts I fight. I'm to the point where I rebutt those rediculous thoughts but they don't just go away.  It really hurts. I want to be involved  in her life but i want to do it in a way that is healthy for me. I'm starting to do that. So good for me!