Feeling Abandoned

Sunday, June 22, 2008 – 10:40 A.M.   The past week was good for the most part. The trial of using traction for my scoliosis seemed to have been successful. After using this treatment for two days of physical therapy, most of my pain had decreased a lot. My life seemed to be going much better. Things were good. I should feel that way today, but I do not.   My mood has dropped and I feel a deepening of my depression. I had thought that I made a major gain in my life, but I no longer feel that way. A sense of loneliness has set in again.   For all practical purposes, I have little, if any, contact with my brother and his family. I should be used to it after the last two or three years, but I am not.  I feel abandoned, and it hurts.   Later this week, my sister is going on a vacation for one week. As a coincidence, her son and his family are also going on a vacation. With the exception of my sisters’ daughter, and her family, I will be stuck here – alone and abandoned again. That seems to be the story of my life. I am tired of it.   One of the main reasons I moved to Denver was because my family said they wanted to be closer to me. Even when no one is out-of-town, we only get together on some birthdays and holidays.   Sometimes I feel as if my family would be happier if I no longer existed. That can be arranged.  Today I am having some suicidal thoughts, but am not quite close enough to acting on them. Making a choice between life and death is not easy. I want to feel better so I will not have to take that final step into eternal darkness.   Quotes for Success:   “Happy the man who, like Ulysses, has made a fine voyage, or has won the Golden Fleece, and then returns, experienced and knowledgeable, to spend the rest of his life among his family!”   Joachim Du Bellay