Feeling a little numb
I have been agonizing over whether or not to write this down. What's the point? In the grand scheme of things, is it really all that bad? Compared to all the incidents of the last 17 years? Not really, but it does point to a changing dynamic and one that has me a little off balance right now. Not sure how to take it, or where to go from here.
This really started with the iPod incident prior to Alexis' birthday. Of course, he was angry with me for saying that the iPod touch was better than his phone and he ended up slamming out of the house and staying gone for four hours, but according to him that isn't the real reason he was mad. The real reason was 1) I was angry with him for not purchasing an iPod for her birthday, when if I had only offered to pay half and told him that I needed the other half he would have been happy to buy it for her. (WTF....I don't even want her to have one until Christmas, I didn't seriously consider that he might buy a $200 gift for her birthday...come on I've known him longer than that...it was more or less a "joke") and 2)Once again I embarrassed him in front of his children by "airing my issues" in front of them. (And again I say WTF.....he is the one who brought that argument in to the living room where they were playing a game. I did not even think there was any reason to argue).
Thursday was her birthday. He showed up at the house around 7pm and took his shower. I had dinner ready so I asked him if he was going to eat. He was lying, dressed, on the bed looking at his laptop. He said he might eat when he got back so I asked where he was going, he just rolled his eyes at me and got up and left. I called him to ask him how long he would be gone because we were doing cake and ice cream for Alexis' birthday. He said he was looking for a rotor for his RV so he wasn't sure, but about ten minutes later he was at the house. He immediately (as usual) shut himself in the bedroom and was obviously pouting. When I asked if he found what he was looking for, he said no he just came home because he didn't want to hear my "shit" if he didn't. So, I then asked if he was actually going to come out to the rest of the house to sing happy birthday to our daughter. With a sneer, he tells me I need to stop treating them like babies, for God's sake she is now in high school, why am I still singing happy birthday to her, blah blah blah. Admittedly, I got a little hurt from his tone and the implications he was making again about my parenting, so I said something to the effect of "at least they speak to me". I'm not even sure what exactly I said, but after I said it, I realized how hurtful that comment could be and I apologized and left him alone. Needless to say he refused to eat cake, ice cream, or dinner.
Along comes Friday. I had to stay home with my youngest who was really ill. I had taken her to the doctor the day before, who said she just had a virus, but her vision was going blurry and she was having bad headaches so I was afraid to leave her home alone. I called him in the morning to tell him I was staying home with her. Surprisingly, he didn't call me fifty times during the day. (I should have taken that as the warning it was.....) He shows up around 5, while I am cooking dinner, takes a shower, and refuses to so much as speak to me or the girls. I'm not really sure what has happened throughout the day to piss him off--silly me, I should have known it was something that had been rubbing him wrong for a long time. He takes a shower and just leaves (which in itself is not uncommon, it is our usual modus operandi, but this time he actually slammed the door, which isn't always common). Instead of letting it get to me, I tried to ignore it and to reassure the kids that nothing was wrong with daddy. By this point I was starting to feel pretty bad, I have been having chest pains for a couple weeks which I took to be anxiety, I'm pretty sure now that I may have severe bronchitis so I am scheduling a doc appt for Tuesday. Anyway, just suffice it to say I was tired, feeling badly, and not in the mood for his crap, plus I had to be at work at 8am (meaning I have to leave my house by 7) the next morning.
Five minutes after he left, he called me and asked me to please go somewhere where I could talk to him in private. He sounded reasonable and calm, but I know that this can be deceptive. He wants to know what my problem is this time?! I can't even figure out what problem he might be talking about to be honest with you. I was as fine as could be all things considered. He thinks he should just move out because he can't take any more of me having his head all fucked up. I don't even know what to say to that because again, I didn't know what the hell he was talking about at this point. Rather than fight with him, I tell the girls to get dressed we are going for a ride. I figure I will be gone when he gets back and this will enable him to cool off before he starts something in front of them.
We get home about 9, his RV is sitting in my spot in the driveway and he is sitting on the porch steps. We pretty much ignore him and go upstairs. I start getting ready for bed, take my shower, etc. He calls and asks me to come outside to talk to him. He is on the RV and he is drinking (which is the first thing he points out to me---"I'm even drinking which I don't do anymore because I am so confused and frustrated with you.") He keeps on for over an hour with how he's been googling my behavior and has pretty much determined that I don't want to be with him at all, that he needs to move on. I am never clear about what I want, I won't take responsibility for anything in the relationship, how I need to be more careful about what I say to him, I really hurt his feelings with the comment about the kids not talking to him, it is my fault I drag the kids into the middle of our disagreements and they have no respect for him, in short every fault I have and how this is making him not want to change and he gets so angry and frustrated. There is nothing causing him to stay here besides those girls upstairs and he doesn't even think they will care. He can go anywhere and get a job, he is that talented, but what I need to understand is that once he leaves that will be it. How he has never left me before because he wants to do the right thing. He is now going to start thinking of himself, since I don't want to be with him (he keeps saying this) and since I am not getting what I need from him I must be either actively getting it elsewhere now or I will be soon. I tell him at midnight that I need to get some sleep because I don't feel good and I have to work in the morning. I tell him to come upstairs and get some sleep because whatever he is going to do he can do then.
A little background is that I just told him last week that my wages are being garnished by our old landlord. Nearly $700 per month is coming out of my checks. He knows that I can barely afford things with him paying half the rent, if he leaves I am going to be ass out of luck right now. And he knows I was diagnosed with emphysema nearly a year ago and when I get sick it freaks me out because I don't want to be sick. Now here I am coughing up a lung and burning up with a fever and the only thing he keeps harping back on is that he wants me to beg him to stay (oh this isn't the way he put it, but it was definitely what he was going for). I refuse, I will figure it out myself, however I am not foolish enough to say anything negative to him either. He is drinking and violence tends to ensue no matter how "calm and rational" he pretends he is being, if I try to be honest with him. Anyway, he woke me up several times until he finally passed out around 4. He is still not really speaking to me. He says we have issues that I don't want to work on so he thinks it is best if he just leaves. Rather than leave though, he is still coming around and just his presence is threatening to me. Financially I am at a loss what to do. Is he really going to leave or is this just a threat? Is he just trying to see if I will admit to some wrongdoing? Or is there a more sinister meaning behind this?
This really started with the iPod incident prior to Alexis' birthday. Of course, he was angry with me for saying that the iPod touch was better than his phone and he ended up slamming out of the house and staying gone for four hours, but according to him that isn't the real reason he was mad. The real reason was 1) I was angry with him for not purchasing an iPod for her birthday, when if I had only offered to pay half and told him that I needed the other half he would have been happy to buy it for her. (WTF....I don't even want her to have one until Christmas, I didn't seriously consider that he might buy a $200 gift for her birthday...come on I've known him longer than that...it was more or less a "joke") and 2)Once again I embarrassed him in front of his children by "airing my issues" in front of them. (And again I say WTF.....he is the one who brought that argument in to the living room where they were playing a game. I did not even think there was any reason to argue).
Thursday was her birthday. He showed up at the house around 7pm and took his shower. I had dinner ready so I asked him if he was going to eat. He was lying, dressed, on the bed looking at his laptop. He said he might eat when he got back so I asked where he was going, he just rolled his eyes at me and got up and left. I called him to ask him how long he would be gone because we were doing cake and ice cream for Alexis' birthday. He said he was looking for a rotor for his RV so he wasn't sure, but about ten minutes later he was at the house. He immediately (as usual) shut himself in the bedroom and was obviously pouting. When I asked if he found what he was looking for, he said no he just came home because he didn't want to hear my "shit" if he didn't. So, I then asked if he was actually going to come out to the rest of the house to sing happy birthday to our daughter. With a sneer, he tells me I need to stop treating them like babies, for God's sake she is now in high school, why am I still singing happy birthday to her, blah blah blah. Admittedly, I got a little hurt from his tone and the implications he was making again about my parenting, so I said something to the effect of "at least they speak to me". I'm not even sure what exactly I said, but after I said it, I realized how hurtful that comment could be and I apologized and left him alone. Needless to say he refused to eat cake, ice cream, or dinner.
Along comes Friday. I had to stay home with my youngest who was really ill. I had taken her to the doctor the day before, who said she just had a virus, but her vision was going blurry and she was having bad headaches so I was afraid to leave her home alone. I called him in the morning to tell him I was staying home with her. Surprisingly, he didn't call me fifty times during the day. (I should have taken that as the warning it was.....) He shows up around 5, while I am cooking dinner, takes a shower, and refuses to so much as speak to me or the girls. I'm not really sure what has happened throughout the day to piss him off--silly me, I should have known it was something that had been rubbing him wrong for a long time. He takes a shower and just leaves (which in itself is not uncommon, it is our usual modus operandi, but this time he actually slammed the door, which isn't always common). Instead of letting it get to me, I tried to ignore it and to reassure the kids that nothing was wrong with daddy. By this point I was starting to feel pretty bad, I have been having chest pains for a couple weeks which I took to be anxiety, I'm pretty sure now that I may have severe bronchitis so I am scheduling a doc appt for Tuesday. Anyway, just suffice it to say I was tired, feeling badly, and not in the mood for his crap, plus I had to be at work at 8am (meaning I have to leave my house by 7) the next morning.
Five minutes after he left, he called me and asked me to please go somewhere where I could talk to him in private. He sounded reasonable and calm, but I know that this can be deceptive. He wants to know what my problem is this time?! I can't even figure out what problem he might be talking about to be honest with you. I was as fine as could be all things considered. He thinks he should just move out because he can't take any more of me having his head all fucked up. I don't even know what to say to that because again, I didn't know what the hell he was talking about at this point. Rather than fight with him, I tell the girls to get dressed we are going for a ride. I figure I will be gone when he gets back and this will enable him to cool off before he starts something in front of them.
We get home about 9, his RV is sitting in my spot in the driveway and he is sitting on the porch steps. We pretty much ignore him and go upstairs. I start getting ready for bed, take my shower, etc. He calls and asks me to come outside to talk to him. He is on the RV and he is drinking (which is the first thing he points out to me---"I'm even drinking which I don't do anymore because I am so confused and frustrated with you.") He keeps on for over an hour with how he's been googling my behavior and has pretty much determined that I don't want to be with him at all, that he needs to move on. I am never clear about what I want, I won't take responsibility for anything in the relationship, how I need to be more careful about what I say to him, I really hurt his feelings with the comment about the kids not talking to him, it is my fault I drag the kids into the middle of our disagreements and they have no respect for him, in short every fault I have and how this is making him not want to change and he gets so angry and frustrated. There is nothing causing him to stay here besides those girls upstairs and he doesn't even think they will care. He can go anywhere and get a job, he is that talented, but what I need to understand is that once he leaves that will be it. How he has never left me before because he wants to do the right thing. He is now going to start thinking of himself, since I don't want to be with him (he keeps saying this) and since I am not getting what I need from him I must be either actively getting it elsewhere now or I will be soon. I tell him at midnight that I need to get some sleep because I don't feel good and I have to work in the morning. I tell him to come upstairs and get some sleep because whatever he is going to do he can do then.
A little background is that I just told him last week that my wages are being garnished by our old landlord. Nearly $700 per month is coming out of my checks. He knows that I can barely afford things with him paying half the rent, if he leaves I am going to be ass out of luck right now. And he knows I was diagnosed with emphysema nearly a year ago and when I get sick it freaks me out because I don't want to be sick. Now here I am coughing up a lung and burning up with a fever and the only thing he keeps harping back on is that he wants me to beg him to stay (oh this isn't the way he put it, but it was definitely what he was going for). I refuse, I will figure it out myself, however I am not foolish enough to say anything negative to him either. He is drinking and violence tends to ensue no matter how "calm and rational" he pretends he is being, if I try to be honest with him. Anyway, he woke me up several times until he finally passed out around 4. He is still not really speaking to me. He says we have issues that I don't want to work on so he thinks it is best if he just leaves. Rather than leave though, he is still coming around and just his presence is threatening to me. Financially I am at a loss what to do. Is he really going to leave or is this just a threat? Is he just trying to see if I will admit to some wrongdoing? Or is there a more sinister meaning behind this?
Replies
I just sat and read EVERY single journal entry you\'ve written.
your H sounds SO much like my ex H in so many ways.
except that your H is ten thousand times more abusive and scary than my ex.
omg. I want you to get out of there SO badly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there HAS to be something you can do where you go ABOVE the local police.
what about going to a shelter and telling them EVERYTHING, including how he has friends in the local police.
then going to court, getting a protection order. and if he breaches it, there\'s nothing his buddies can do!