Feelings
So, last night my H and I were discussing his A and I probably asked one to many questions about the sex that in all honesty I really don't need to know and what started out as me asking as if I was a friend or someone on the outside all of a sudden turned and I became the person that I am the one that is hurt by all he's done. There wasn't any yelling and not really much crying but the hurt that was there on both sides was awful. At the time it really made us wonder what we were doing and how can you rebuild after all of that hurt.
After everything H did I feel for him and his pain, granted it was his choice but I can't imagine what it's like living with what he's done. We're finding out through IC that he may have some type of ADD/ADHD and not that it's an exuse for what he did but I think it's the reason why he the way he is and what may have put him in that situation. He always thought even as a teen that he was above it all and lucky that nothing could touch him. So he's really going through an identity crisis right now. I worry about him and wonder how he'll live with the stress and realize that we need to put it in a box and move on and that is what we are talking about today.
We need to close the door on any unanswered questions and we need to look back on those 2 years not as a farce (sp??) but that there we happy times. He didn't take away from our family time, the A occurred while he was on business. I need to stop questioning the kind of person I was to have not put my foot down when I thought maybe something was going on. I need to realize as someone's post said something about you can't redo the past and make it better than it was and forgive.
I guess the other thing I realized is that day to day I can think of the A like an observer or not personally but then those times that I look at it personally it breaks me down and I wonder what am I doing. I don't know if that's because I always thought A's were marriage breakers. As soon as I get out of that feeling, I can look at the A more objectively. Does that make sense? I'm confused. I love my husband, can't imagine being without him, happy with my marriage and believe that we had to go through this pain to have the marriage that we both always wanted. I just hate that it wasn't like this from the start. That's when I start comparing to other people and that's a whole other story... I know the grass isn't greener but I do feel sorry for myself at times and wish I could have had that storybook life. I don't think it's really out there but for a moment in time it would be nice. I guess if I stopped feeling sorry for myself I'd realize I've had/have those moments.
After everything H did I feel for him and his pain, granted it was his choice but I can't imagine what it's like living with what he's done. We're finding out through IC that he may have some type of ADD/ADHD and not that it's an exuse for what he did but I think it's the reason why he the way he is and what may have put him in that situation. He always thought even as a teen that he was above it all and lucky that nothing could touch him. So he's really going through an identity crisis right now. I worry about him and wonder how he'll live with the stress and realize that we need to put it in a box and move on and that is what we are talking about today.
We need to close the door on any unanswered questions and we need to look back on those 2 years not as a farce (sp??) but that there we happy times. He didn't take away from our family time, the A occurred while he was on business. I need to stop questioning the kind of person I was to have not put my foot down when I thought maybe something was going on. I need to realize as someone's post said something about you can't redo the past and make it better than it was and forgive.
I guess the other thing I realized is that day to day I can think of the A like an observer or not personally but then those times that I look at it personally it breaks me down and I wonder what am I doing. I don't know if that's because I always thought A's were marriage breakers. As soon as I get out of that feeling, I can look at the A more objectively. Does that make sense? I'm confused. I love my husband, can't imagine being without him, happy with my marriage and believe that we had to go through this pain to have the marriage that we both always wanted. I just hate that it wasn't like this from the start. That's when I start comparing to other people and that's a whole other story... I know the grass isn't greener but I do feel sorry for myself at times and wish I could have had that storybook life. I don't think it's really out there but for a moment in time it would be nice. I guess if I stopped feeling sorry for myself I'd realize I've had/have those moments.
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cec, \"I love my husband, can\'t imagine being without him, happy with my marriage and believe that we had to go through this pain to have the marriage that we both always wanted. I just hate that it wasn\'t like this from the start. That\'s when I start comparing to other people and that\'s a whole other story... I know the grass isn\'t greener but I do feel sorry for myself at times and wish I could have had that storybook life. I don\'t think it\'s really out there but for a moment in time it would be nice. I guess if I stopped feeling sorry for myself I\'d realize I\'ve had/have those moments.\"
I could have written this paragraph. My H and I have said the very same, that it\'s so sad that we had to go through this to have the marriage that we both have always wanted. I too have felt so sorry for myself and have lamented over all of the wasted years. However, like you, I am able to see that, even during some rough years, we did have moments of greatness.
Now, I\'m done lamenting. I\'m done the woe is me. I am now embracing all of my present joy and I look forward to creating new wonderful memories, for years and years to come. The past is gone; today is all we have. Hugs.
Thanks and how true. I just have that defense mechanism that keeps popping up. We\'re going to renew our vows and start fresh and I think and hope that it will be the new beginning that we need to let go of the past. I\'d like to have a bonfire and just toss those times in.
I hear you about the bonfire! My H and I renewed our vows, but I think it was too soon. It was only 3 months after dday. I told him that I would like to do something symbolic when I feel that I have completely forgiven and when I\'m 100% ready to let go.
What we decided was this. We\'re both going to write down on a piece of paper every hurt that we have from the other. We will go overnight, just the two of us, somewhere where there is either an ocean or a lake. We will each read our list to the other, then when we\'re done say, \"I forgive you for all of this.\" then we will tear up the list and throw it into the water and TRULY let it all go.
Although I feel I have forgiven my H, I do not feel I\'m done nursing my wounds, if you understand what I mean. Please, do yourself a favor and don\'t renew your vows until you are really ready. I wasn\'t ready and, although it was beautiful, I ended up sobbing uncontrollably that night. He was so filled with love and devotion, he even cried when he recited the vows he had written, but my mind could not reconcile how he could love me so much, yet he was able to do what he did. Wait until you\'ve gotten to a place where you can think about what he did, and not feel strong anger and hurt, when you are absolutely able to think about it objectively and put it in it\'s proper place in your mind. Just my two cents and I hope you get there very soon! Hugs and support.