Feelings

So tired of all of the feelings!!! I want to feel normal and I don't. Everywhere I go I look at other people and think, is their life as peaceful as it seems?I feel so miserable all the time, stuck and like there is no way out.Like there is no hope of peace, contentment, hope, or joy.Every time I think there is progress and I can see that I may get out, something happens and there is a huge setback! I just don't know if I have it,that is, what it takes to get out and stay out. What it takes to stand up for what I think is right for me and renounces what I know is wrong.I don't think I am like others who know how to do what is right for themselves.I feel like such a weakling, so pathetic. I most of all want the best for my children,and what I think is the right thing gets so confusing for me.You see my Mother is Bi Polar and everything that I know that's happened in my marriage, my Mother say's is happening in hers to a great extent! Mom is very delusional all of the time, but Mom can carry on a conversation and make every thing she say's sound so real and she can seem so truthful and so sane!But what her reality is ,is not what she say's it is.I am probably not making any since but I want too.See, all the things my Mother has said and done throughout my life has profoundly affected me to the point of I don't trust my own reality.Because I have all my life witnessed my Mothers misconception of her own life.She is very consumed with herself and the way that all of her family and friends treat her.So for me the way my Mom is, makes me second guess every feeling I have, weather it is real or not,or am I overreacting or not. So I am in a state of complete confusion all the time,as to what is really going on in my life. See I do know that my Husband is a raging alcoholic and a Narc,he has cheated on me and done so many things that I feel I can never overcome.But then at the same time I question myself as to if it is as bad as I percieve it to be, because of my Mom.She has never supported me when I feel I have had enough,nor my Dad or my brother.I mean they want me to do whatever it takes to make my marriage work because there are some great qualities that my Husband does have.Examples are he  is a very successful man,and is generous to me and the kids,we have a nice home, and cars, and all that we need.He does take good care of my children financially.They can go to school and not worry about there bills or how they are going to pay for college and their expenses.I know that this is huge too!But there is the deep down ugly stuff too,you know the infidelities, the horrible things he say's to me in private, the rages, the belittling of me constantly,it is in my head and I can not get it out.I know I have PTSD now it is very obvious to me that I have this, and it is pretty debilating too.I am finally starting to work with a counselor concerning this.I do know all of this is crazy and making me sick, but because of my Mom's illness I wonder all the time, if I am over reacting to my life as she does, because with her she over reacts to everything!!!! So this is my crazy making cycle I live in daily, thinking my life is bad because I'm married to a raging alcoholic who is making me sick and I am always wondering, if today or tomorrow is going to be the day he goes over the line, in a rage or, am I over reacting to the perceived danger that is in my head?So now  you all know how crazy I feel, I have an attorney I have already paid to get me out of this but I am so indecisive from day to day that I can not for the life of me tell him to file, which has been what he has been waiting on for a month or so for me to do. I am just to darn scared to take that leap!!! Horrified of what it will do to my children and by the way he uses that against me too, that my kids will not want to have anything to do with me if I divorce their Dad, because this isn't what he wants, oh and he thinks it is because I have another man that is the only reason I could possibly want a divorce from him.