feel like I am back to square one

 I have not been here for awhile.  I was busy in cultivating that relationship with Richard.  I thought it was heaven made...he Iost his son from suicide too.  How I jumped in conclusion too fast n too soon n too devoted n oo giving.  Over the last 3 yers, I Ave been trying to make his family members to accept me by bending all my standards, attending their family gatherings when extensive alcohol or pot were used.  I don't drink, I felt I was so out of place but for his sake, I was there.  Brides the conflicts with his family, we have issues - incompatible says it all.
With great courage, I ended it be free he was thinking of proposing in a few months.
now depressed n the wounds reopened.  
Siblings think I should move on in life in general.  Go n apply for a job!  our aged parents deserve a peaceful living rather they worry about you.  Many others have worsen situation the you.....
sometimes I feel like joining my son.  He had the easy way out,!  Meanwhile I try to offer myself to god when i feel not living among the living, perhaps I can save a few souls this way.
I am making this short,  I am struggling.