feel like death

I know I haven't been here for such a long time. My life has been nothing but a jumbled up train wreck for months now. I'm at my 3rd job since May, we'll see how this one turns out. I am actually doing pretty good physically, but because of my past affairs my family has all but consider me dead. I am so sorry for taking them away from my wife. She is so desperately depressed because of that and the most likely affect of menopause. Her face looks like the saggy face of a sad blood hound most days. I really do miss seeing her happy, but I just don't think it will ever come from me. I just flat out don't know how to make her happy. She won't let go of the past, and all the things that she did that contributed to my misery over the years - which I told her is perfectly fine. I don't hold any grudges, and I just wish she wouldn't either. I know that she isn't a bad person but neither am I. I do have to admit that I think our marriage had such a shaky foundation to begin with and we have had some great times over the years but I can't be her WHOLE WORLD! No one should be someone else's whole world. That has been too much of a load for me to carry over the years along with 4 kids to raise to boot. I'm suicidal, she is suicidal, and our kids are stuck in the middle. I could support myself but she couldn't support herself, but I can't support both if we split. It is litterally a HELL on earth that just doesn't seem to go away!!! Please pray for my wife to find true happiness even if it is without me. That's all I really wanted for her anyway. Her name is Desiree and a quick prayer would be so appreciated. I don't care about me, I want her to be happy........