Fed Up

Never in my worst nightmare would I imagine that I would be here almost 4 and a half years on, and feel as horrible as I do. So lost! A completely broken person, broken in mind, broken in body, broken in spirit.
I get up everyday and go through the motions, but this isn't living. Just surviving. I don't know how to move through this, how to find my way back to myself. I feel constantly guilty, guilty to my friends and family, for not being the Mum or the wife or the friend that I want to be, that I used to be, guilty to my Mum! for not honouring her memory by grieving 'well' and coming 'out the other side' to that happy place where life is wonderful again, and you write a novel and start a blog inspiring or supporting others...
Mostly I just feel scared. Scared and worried about everything. Scared about living without Mum, scared of how she died, scared of dying - scared of the kids losing me, scared of losing the kids, scared that life is too hard, too sad, too full of pain. So exhausted of feeling scared all the time. 
I have been in therapy since Mum died, I exercise, I 'detox', I eat well, I meditate, I journal, I practice gratitude, and pray, and stay connected to my friends and family........but all I feel is dead inside. 
When does this end!!!! What am I doing wrong!!!! FED UP