Fed up
Well, I already mentioned in my previous journal entry, but I am so sick and tired of dealing with depression and everything that surrounds it. I hate it through and through I despise it I detest it I loathe it with an intensity and viciousness that is nearly unimaginable for even myself and I refuse to accept that I have to keep dealing with this shit over and over again. I refuse to accept this situation of just being 30% or 50% of the usual me and just performing moderately in academics and my social life. My grades are lower, my anxiety is higher, my stress is increased but less gets done, the more tired I get the more pressure to perform comes and socially everyone keeps forgetting me because I'm such a grey mouse where usually I'm more 'the life of the party' kind of girl. I'm this shadow of myself walking through the outside world where everything scares or stresses me and I can't help but compare myself to how I am usually. My mom said I shouldn't do this because now this is also part of who I am. Even though I know she's right, my first thought was no. I refuse to accept that this belongs to me. The times of diplomacy and coexistence are definitely over. The only thing I want is for it to stop. Now.
Because even though I get a lot of things done because of my medication, it feels unnatural because it's pushing me like XTC, giving me energy when I feel so tired and worn out. I feel very strained physically and mentally and I really don't know how I keep going but somehow I do. All the time I'm wondering when I will break down because it feels like I live my days close to the edge. I'm constantly stressed over my agenda because I'm never sure if I'll be able to get it done. I have to struggle every day to get to a level of performance that in no way measures up to what I can really do. It's frustrating and unrewarding but most of all so, so very tiring.
If it has to be like this, I would rather lay in bed and be left the fuck alone to get some peace and quiet, than force myself to try to be normal when I'm not. Really, I'd rather not be there at all than be this half-wash surrogate pathetic excuse of me that's wandering about out there now.
I know why I'm being like this. I went on a weekend holiday with my commission and even though I cut back on the alcohol I still pushed myself too hard and went to bed too late for the sake of fun. And yes I did have fun but it was also nerve-wracking since I feel like they're getting to know the "wrong" me. I felt boring and insignificant. And even from that tainted little bit of fun, I'm now getting the backlash. Thank you, depression. Now get the fuck out?
Because even though I get a lot of things done because of my medication, it feels unnatural because it's pushing me like XTC, giving me energy when I feel so tired and worn out. I feel very strained physically and mentally and I really don't know how I keep going but somehow I do. All the time I'm wondering when I will break down because it feels like I live my days close to the edge. I'm constantly stressed over my agenda because I'm never sure if I'll be able to get it done. I have to struggle every day to get to a level of performance that in no way measures up to what I can really do. It's frustrating and unrewarding but most of all so, so very tiring.
If it has to be like this, I would rather lay in bed and be left the fuck alone to get some peace and quiet, than force myself to try to be normal when I'm not. Really, I'd rather not be there at all than be this half-wash surrogate pathetic excuse of me that's wandering about out there now.
I know why I'm being like this. I went on a weekend holiday with my commission and even though I cut back on the alcohol I still pushed myself too hard and went to bed too late for the sake of fun. And yes I did have fun but it was also nerve-wracking since I feel like they're getting to know the "wrong" me. I felt boring and insignificant. And even from that tainted little bit of fun, I'm now getting the backlash. Thank you, depression. Now get the fuck out?
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