February

February has come and gone with everything at a stand still. it is causing my anxiety to start acting up that i am starting to feel helpless, for weeks i have been dealing with Sevier pain that it keeps waking me up in the middle of the night and the crying that it feels like that i am running out of tears. i am tired and afraid to go to sleep that every night i count my pain killers to see how much i have left. i dont bother taking them unless its dire but a lot of times i would look at them and the temptation taunts me to take all of them so I can end my life, the agonizing pain everyday, the constant pop-shot from my ex to be my daughter gabby, I just wont have to deal with any of it and always feeling like I'm a nothing or i dont exist. I dont want to exist anymore. i dont want to live anymore. So when do realize enough is enough. There is nowhere to run or to go ??? you try to get some professional help and all you get is an empty room. I am trying to be strong for myself but it feels like an non ending battle with no one to talk to or listen, you get the feeling of ignorance being bestowed upon you as the doors keep closing and the so called support is no longer there. I dont know maybe its me making myself feel guilty that i am trying to do something that would a closure or perspective.

I have had to cancel my clinic appointment for March 11th because i have a travel restriction and that i dont have the funds to get up and back due to no disability check, i havent gotten paid since my last check back in January and the whole thing went to pay the insurance leaving me with nothing using every penny i had saved so i can change my name but that is all but gone.

I just don’t know what to do anymore , my therapist tells me that  he wrote up a letter for me to give to the plastic surgeon but I have request a copy for about 2 weeks now , it sounds like what my wife would tell me , only to have the real truth come out that they didn't do it but I would think and hope that would not be the case. Having this copy would put me in a better place that It  make me feel I am making some progress.  I do realize that they are busy people even though I havent paid a red cent for their services which I am greatly appreciated. All this time I only had to pay $12 for lab work. So I do not want to press my luck to much.

       In a couple of days I will be entering my 7th month of h.r.t. I have done additional research to find out what to expect in this stage of HRT and most of it is quite startling but not confirmed due to not enough research done, what they are talking about is the onset of  diabetes mellitus. which has me majorly concerned to the hilt because I don’t need to come down with it, I just don’t understand why I haven't read any of the issues but I guess I didn’t reach that far in my research. Maybe I should look further down on what to expect during the next coming months instead of going month to month. Im curious to know and I am curious to know what Dr. Pri wants me to do in the mean time because of my injury.

I will say when I write down what is transpiring in my life its affect is giving me a calming sensation that Is channeling my thoughts of emotions into a more different perspective. I hope it continues to distract these disturbing thoughts  as I try to get everyone working in my favor without the disappointments. I have had my fair share for one year.