February 7, 2010

8 steps forward, 5 steps back.  That seems to be the dance I'm doing.   I thought I was on a real roll but here I am anxious again over everything, crying again (not as much) and I don't even know why.  I feel like I'm just stuck.   Did the rebound relationship, not good.  Are they ever?  Is that just another thing that you have to go through?  What about all those exes who leave their spouses for someone else and stay with that person forever?  Isn't that rebound too?  The person I chose was damaged from his divorce 5 years ago and has never gotten over it.  The least little ripple was totally unacceptable to him, couldn't deal with it.  Learned a lot but it still hurts.  Doubting my judgment, my feelings, my everything right now.  At the time it seemed like a good idea but I think my reason was clouded by my hormones which then got tainted by my emotions.   Women CANNOT have sex without feeling, bottom line.  We just can't.  That's what I should have had in my tattoo so that I never forget it.  Doesn't matter how old we are or what our situation, we just aren't wired that way.  So now I'm sad.  I'm not looking for pity because I should have known better but I'm still sad. I met a guy the other day who was paralyzed on one side of his body.  He had a double aneurism and then a stroke on the operating table.  This happened 4 years ago in October and he had just gotten married in July.  Was in a nursing home for 10 months and while he was in there his wife was with his best friend and not paying the mortgage.  So... when he was released, his house was inforeclosure and she was gone.  I listened to his story and I thought, "what can I possibly say to this man?"  And here I am boohooing with my crappy little problems.  I know all that and yet I still am.  How sick is that? Maybe I am just damaged goods and will never be okay.