February 7, 2010
8 steps forward, 5 steps back. That seems to be the dance I'm doing. I thought I was on a real roll but here I am anxious again over everything, crying again (not as much) and I don't even know why. I feel like I'm just stuck. Did the rebound relationship, not good. Are they ever? Is that just another thing that you have to go through? What about all those exes who leave their spouses for someone else and stay with that person forever? Isn't that rebound too? The person I chose was damaged from his divorce 5 years ago and has never gotten over it. The least little ripple was totally unacceptable to him, couldn't deal with it. Learned a lot but it still hurts. Doubting my judgment, my feelings, my everything right now. At the time it seemed like a good idea but I think my reason was clouded by my hormones which then got tainted by my emotions. Women CANNOT have sex without feeling, bottom line. We just can't. That's what I should have had in my tattoo so that I never forget it. Doesn't matter how old we are or what our situation, we just aren't wired that way. So now I'm sad. I'm not looking for pity because I should have known better but I'm still sad. I met a guy the other day who was paralyzed on one side of his body. He had a double aneurism and then a stroke on the operating table. This happened 4 years ago in October and he had just gotten married in July. Was in a nursing home for 10 months and while he was in there his wife was with his best friend and not paying the mortgage. So... when he was released, his house was inforeclosure and she was gone. I listened to his story and I thought, "what can I possibly say to this man?" And here I am boohooing with my crappy little problems. I know all that and yet I still am. How sick is that? Maybe I am just damaged goods and will never be okay.
Replies
Hugs to you! So sorry you are feeling down wish I had some great words of advice but I have none.
I think that a part of the healing is continuously doing the dance, one step forward two back, somehow ground is gained, not sure how, but it is.
I haven\'t even ventured out in the dating world, but then again, I haven\'t had many offers, lol. For now I have to be content in making my own life, my own happiness. It\'s hard that\'s all I can say and at times so terribly lonely. Do you ever get used to that?
My ex left in June, and by November had a GF and is living with her now - rebound? I don\'t know but I guess it just pisses me off that I am the one broken over his choices, and I\'m the one that feels unattractive, and everything else that goes with it, I just don\'t have any answers.
I had a setback myself this weekend - I was snooping around and saw something I would rather not have seen now brings all those old insecurities and self esteem issues back to the forefront and I have only myself to blame for this one! Someone was sure right when they said life wasn\'t fair - I could use an even playing ground at times. Just tired here and tired of crying. It\'s funny how one can let 20 years go without a second glance while others seem to heal so slowly.
All I can do my friend is send you a hug and let you know you aren\'t the only one out there doing the dance, let\'s hope for brighter days ahead. I would hate to think either of us are damaged goods!
Hey J..Just been a shitty long winter..We are trapped indoors in more ways than we can think. (mind boggling) Valentines day and all that rot. Hell we made it through x-mas and thanksgiving. The rest should be gravy..Right..We have our ups and downs (so I\'ve been told) but I\'m trying to work on me. I\'m now into week 4 (can you believe it) people say my skin looks better lucky me. My shoes are a bit looser. I guess I\'m working from the ground up.( if you know what I mean) Yeah, I\'m tired,scared and worried I never had a real good job stayed home for 25 years with my kids. No real pension and this bastard is dragging him F---king feet. I warned him not to piss me off years ago. Time is coming and I won\'t give a shit.
When he burns his candle at both ends he\'s going to burst into flames. My friends are worried about me as he has been violent (but not to me)Yet.
Yeah, I still love him ain\'t that a kick in the pants. I wish I didn\'t But you can not love someone who doesn\'t love you..Or who doesn\'t even try to love you.
I\'m really looking forward to Vegas even if just you and I go. Cath
Honey, you are NOT damaged goods and you WILL get better! Trust me on this, as I have been exactly where you are (less the \"rebound\" thing). It just takes time. I continued to see my therapist once a week and then every other week for 6 months AFTER the divorce was final. That was very important to getting me to the point where I am now. I had come to the point where I knew I would be better off ALONE than with a selfish, heartless s.o.b. like the X -- at that point, the only feeling I had left for that man was contempt and in the last almost 3 years, I have gone out of my way to avoid running into him. Out of sight out of mind. You will start to feel better soon, my friend. Get out and get busy. Focus on YOUR needs and YOUR desires. I\'m here for you!
One step at a time, sweetie, and yes, it can be like a dance of two steps forward and one back. The good news is that there is constant progress and that\'s what it is all about. I don\'t know if I\'ll ever date again but I\'m ok with that because life is good for me and I\'m glad every day that I reclaimed mine and my future. Big hugs to you.
Lynne
wow, that\'s 3 steps forward, nice dance. it\'s when it\'s one step forward, 2 steps back, that you end up in reverse.
here today is no steps forward, a foot of snow out there!